Did I say that.

Bye

2007-01-27T13:01:00.000+05:30

I am done blogging here. Nothing much more to tell, even if there is I aint telling it. Had a nice enough time bloggin. BYE.

The Agony that is thought.

2006-12-28T01:43:00.000+05:30

Leviathan weight of thoughts on my mere mortal mind has send it reeling. The flight of thoughts, has left me bereft of any semblance to sanity. I who had arrogance, to think of becoming invulnerable, is being ravaged! Walls that stood are being pulled down from within.

The burning talisman that binds me to this earth, burning me un to my death. Should I get scalded or let go ! The agony that is existence, That exiquisite pain that makes me crave for even more. The hunger carves my guts out alive, ah the white hot pain inside, is it one that cleanses or one that kills.

Let it be sadness, or even pain! I can overcome that. I am strong enough for that and more! But... insanity that has sprung up from within, insanity that has made me cringe from my self. Where do I take refuge? Whatever can I do to combat that? I stand bare , of all the protection that I have built around my SELF, to the white hot fury of my own mind.

Bah is it fury or is it pain. Indistiguishable, maybe neither ,maybe more. My Knees has buckled, Shoulder bear on the weight now. Who is strong enough to bear even a part of it. The wanderer warrior is but a shadow of his self, he who had the strength within him ,to move mountains ,is at his wits ends.

No One knows and No one can comprehend. He alone struggles on.....

oh BOY! did I really blog this!

2006-12-25T22:22:00.000+05:30

Its not exactly usual for me to recount my experiences in my blog.. But somewhere other I am doing that lately. Dont know why... maybe because I dont want to say anything else anymore I guess.. maybe because everything seems an effort in futility or maybe.... nah....

Anyway... I was travelling from pune to tvpm two days back.. the whole trip felt different.. for once I wanted to just reach home as fast as possible. I am not exactly a what you call home sick person.. still wanted to go home really badly this time around.. hmm..So what do I do? I book tickets by flight to tvpm @ friday night from mumbai to cochin which is the only one available. and affordable.. the flight is scheduled at around 2 in the night. So I leave pune from around I guesss 7.15.. the volvo that was slated to start by 6.30... was obviously late! somehow or other we reach vashi by 9.30 or so.... but then.. lo... theres the mumbai traffic to deal with. It took us better part of two hours to reach santa cruz fromvashi.. I dont exactly know whether that was fast or slow.. but Something I liked was the traffic ,although really heavy and slow at some points, was moving! :D

Finally made it to the airport after that helluva traffic.. check in and.. everything went pretty smooth!!!!!!!!....... and then.... had to wait another 4 hours!!! @ airport.. the plane was late by two hours due to run away in the runway i guess... so messed up all my calculations... hmm.. was thinking about gettin a bus from ekm by around 4 in the morn and reach...home asap.. anyway In the end got into chennai mail which was jam packed :D... but had a lotta fun!!! in that was er near the edge of the door all the while till thiruvalla..
That was the best part of the journey all said and done to see the greenery that is kerala... through the morning mist and all.. :) with the wind on my face :D.. Gave me a kick to see the ground beneath me moving.. :D especially when it was going over those... bridges... was making myself accustomed to heights I guess.. :).. hmm.. Oh... it was like one of those thrill rides.. :D hmm but with no sleep for practically two to three days.. I was getting tired and all.. from thiruvalla to kollam everything moved really fast I just slept away :) came home... and then it has been like sleep eat, sleep eat and sometimes go visit my near and dear.. :D.

Read this book binodini . Was a great read. .. how tagore manages to make the characters dance to his tune is awesome ! only thing is its pretty much obvious that it was his first try or so at it because he made the ending a happy one.. You see when people are young they always tend to think that everything will end happily.. Ofcourse that hope is that makes youth so beautiful... but then there is beauty in reality that things dont turn out the way you hope.. Its when you start realizing that truth that life is more than you hoped for and not really what you wished for. What might seem like a tragedy might be better in the end... I guess.. as some say experience makes you wiser and sad. Me neither have the experience or am i ready to accept it :D. So am happy and foolish as a corollary I guess..

Btw made a wild search about my screen name..
Frantic

Highly excited with strong emotion or frustration; frenzied: frantic with worry.
Characterized by rapid and disordered or nervous activity: made a frantic last-minute search for the lost key.
Archaic. Mad; insane.
Wildly excited or active.

seems quite apt aint it :D.. was thinking what would be apt to describe me.. i guess it would be wild wanderer.. ah should have been born among trees eh! :D =))

Livin... ON

2006-12-19T17:10:00.000+05:30

It has been around 3 weeks since I came here. Living here is great, i guess. The good part is not much expenses especially the food part.It was kinda over the top @ mysore. But as of now its kinda really cheap around here and whats more much much better too!.Kinda thinking about turning pure veg...especially since the fact that you dont get much of non-veg here.. so transition would be quite easy to do! Ofcourse I am just thinking.. :D. I do love all kindsa food...so.. hehehe...
But then I guess my phone calls have kinda sky rocketed ;), albeit it being cheaper :D. Ofcourse cant help that kinda miss everybody so much. I think its the distance perspective when in back of your mind you know that you can go up and meet that person, you never miss them even if you dont kinda see em or you need to be occupied by something in your mind. As far as my case is my mind is not that preoccupied with anything now.. Kinda trying to read through a few books of mine. Having a great time being bored and becomin a kinda nuisance to all my friends calling them umpteen times a day, sendin all of em mails from mornin to evening :D. Ofcourse tell me what else can I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even if theres work I aint feeling anything akin to pressure, I wouldnt say that i am enjoyin it... because theres nothing exactly great about it.. Still I guess i am doing it pretty fast and neat. I hope :D. Ofcourse me being a fresher in an almost finished project helps me while away time as I like it to be. And radio mirchi! its hot :D....atleast keeps me occupied for a lotta time lol.
The only thing I dont like about this city is the condition of its roads and the dust around here... dust can be mostly attributed to the condition of the roads inturn... hmm... The campus is ok I guess but my phase doesnt have any facility for any kinda games or anything.. so.. kinda.. feeling bad about not playing anything...Hope to change that in a while I guess... hmm.. lets see.
The house where I live is almost set i guess. Except for a PC and a gas connection. Some of the guys are not that greaty enthu about the gas connection which they say is quite a waste of money as we would be coming back usually by around 9o clock in the night and yes they are partly nice about it too.. still i would like to have that thing... lets see...
Lol sometimes I am not still sure i should be here. I know I could do something else much more interesting to me!!.. But I seem not to have any kinda initiative to do that.. Lol come to think of it..it was just the lack of initiative that left me in this place as of now. Just staying alive. Ah btw.. pune has some karting going on... gotta check em out!!.. :D.. if they are any good.. you never know what can come outta these... :D
I was just gonna end this.. when i started thinking... it has been quite a time since I wrote something original or creative something straight from my mind. I guess I dont think too much any more...or is it that..I am not bothered with writing my thoughts anymore..either of the two I am not sure. As I said somewhere I kinda frame all situtations in my mind as if all the outcomes are acceptable so much so that I would be kinda happy whatever happens. Its just that..i would be happy or happier still. Lol..ofcourse anybody can take that perspective of their life like that I guess.. Dont know whether its a great idea to be happy all through!. Not accepting that you should be sad..... well.. dont know... :). And in a sense I am arrogant enough to say that i am arrogant. :D

Relocation@pune.

2006-12-07T19:47:00.000+05:30

hmm..This is gonna be.. fun...If this end up as a blog or not I just dont know. The fact is.. I am typing to while away time. The keyboard around here is great. The typing speed has gone up like anything unseen by me as of now.. just because of the quality of this keyboard. It just feels great. I dont have work to do. I dont have anyone to report to. I can spend my time like I want to! I can walk , I can run, I can sing lol I can even dance If I wanna none is gonna stop me.!.The only problem as far as I am concerned after coming to pune is the dust and the roads. Oh boy dont they suck big time. I had thought moving from mysore to pune might gimme some kinda headache.. but it didnt thank goodness.. it went just fine !Packing for moving @ mysore was fun...Just rolled up all the clothes and put it in the bags and stuffed those things real tight. The whole experience was kinda enjoyable in the end I guess. Company had given me a 2nd AC ticket to pune from bangalore which was great, and also stay for the first seven days here.The company stay is pretty nice and the food around here is great er... atleast when compared to what we got @ mysore and ironically cheaper too!!!. Cant fathom why the food @ mysore needs to be so bad. People seem to be ok around here.. ofcourse has been here only for about...3 days now still the feel of the city is good. Got a house to stay some 5 km away from office. Which is ok considering the fact that infy bus stop is around 200 ms away from my House.Alighting from the railway station , I wasnt that impressed by pune. The place is dirty, roads are pathetic and the whole place is dusty. Within one day of being here my shoes got covered by crust of dust which never happened in the four months I stayed in Mysore. But I'll prefer this anyday over mysore. Mysore campus was for kids ; everything was taken care of !The place where company stay has facilities comparable to the hostel we got back at mysore. Afterall it costs around 1k daily!. And whats more the house we have rented is very close to where the company stay is. So I am kinda shuttling between both. Helping my friends setup the house. Its a real nice house. Its one thing thats making me wanna stay in pune :). And the locality is also kinda good. Lol even the name of that colony is good "Sunshine Villas" er its not a villa its rather a rowhouse, dont know why they named it villas :D.
Now to the really interesting part of the stay around here. I am broke for this month, whats more I am as of now richest among the guys who are gonna stay there! After pooling all ther resources we have for this month we found that three guys need to live of 4k :D which might be unthinkable back home but is perfectly possible around here! Travel is taken care by the infy bus so thats not much of a headache. The lunch@ infy foodcourt. and something with bread @ supper. Its pretty cheap considering that one persons meal @ night is costing only around 6-8 bucks and that too filling all said and done!.Seriously this is turning out to be really enjoyable!. Except for a gas stove for us to cook and a couple of cupboards, we are fine I guess :D. Ofcourse the reason behind we becoming broke is that four guys had to bear the cost for a house meant for six guys. If two other guys join us then all this would be thrown out through the window!. Next in line is a bike and PC! Me waiting for the grand salary at end of this month with all the Training TPI thrown in and all.Presently i have nothing to do! Am very much happy about it. Hope the same continues :D. As of now I dont have any net connection at all. Lets see what happens. Kinda started reading some books. Got this really good book as a present "Dream of fair to middling women" by Samuel Beckett. To say the truth its a tough read. Man the guy has awsome command of the language and art of literary expression. The going is slow but its kinda nice. Then theres Binodini or Choker Bali by Rabindranath Tagore. Thats a pretty amusing novel. I dont know why but I kinda really enjoying it in a humorous sense. At house we have a lotta work to do but its fun sharing those work and doing it. Gives me immense satisfaction. I have this character of being excited about anything new and after a while that excitement dies down. Lets see this is gonna be like that. Ofcourse there are a couple of things for which my excitement hasnt died down like that still.... it usually happens. To me its just that if I know the how of it I loose the curiosity to continue. Here I think the situation is different as I already know the how of it and am still finding it interesting. Especially interested in experimenting @ cooking. I have some flair for it I suppose but gotta sharpen ma skills :D er @ my own expense lol.

PS: When I wrote this we were broke. Now thanks to infy loan and more than concerned parents OUR bank accounts are back to being healthy :D.

Who Me!

2006-11-23T03:01:00.000+05:30

I sometimes imagine myself hanging from a cliff, I just have to flex my muscles to reach safety. But I dont do that, keep on hanging just for the fun of hanging so such so that I cant get to safety anymore.I know I will have to let go as theres no point in continuing holding on to the cliff. I start smiling. I still wont let go I still hold on for the fun of holding on until my muscles turn water. I dont even try to get to safety even then. I dont call out for help. I dont want any damn
help, I want to live or die all by myself at that point. My smile widens when I know that my hands are slipping....and I start falling. The feel of air rushing as i fall is exhilarating. Nothing compares to it especially since that would be my last experience when I am alive. I dont care about what I have done till now, neither what i might have done. They say life flashes through your eyes when you are going to die but it seems that doesnt happen with me. The fall is pretty long. I aint falling fast enough for me it seems. I get bored of falling.... I just try to while away my last moments. I start singin, celeberating my last moments no longer thinking of time that is left.

I want to die with a smile on my lips..defiance of life that was over the death that is. Absence of anything to hold me back is at the same time liberating and painful. The absence gnaws my mind like nothing else can. Life seems like a endless study of myself. My life I guess is so selfcentered. But then whos is not :) all said and done you can live it only around YOUR self.

I guess I am ready to accept anything that life throws at me. This readiness arises
probably from the fact that I am numb. I need to feel.... SHIT!

Or is it rather that I am afraid, afraid so much of myself that I have put all my emotions away. Doesnt it sound more geniune that I am an individual whos emotional response systems are so messed up that they are no more functional. Only thing that doesnt drive me crazy is the fact that I know that I will also change I am holding onto that thread. I want to keep on changing.

Ha

2006-11-16T17:16:00.000+05:30

Sometimes I feel that I am too much of a paradox, so much so that I neither want to live or die. I feel I am at a crossroads, I have to decide some things pertinent to the life as others see it. As for me most of the time I feel anything will do as long as I am alive and after that I dont need to care do I ?

My mind is so totally blank. Feel so sobre. But then aint I laughing at myself and this world in which I live in. Yes I am :). Is laughter my weakness or strength.
Somewhere down the line I forgot to cry. Now I can only laugh at anything. I cant even feel sad about that. I can only laugh at even this. But sometimes such unidimensionality of emotions might make it boring for you.Yes it does.

But then do I want to change. I dont think so. In my life I never had a problem or rather I never accepted that I was facing one. I just took things as it came ,still does the same thing. I dont give a damn how the outcome is one way or other.

So am I happy or not. I guess I am happy, and happier than most people around. I still live for myself. I am free. Nothing and noone binds me. Moreover Happiness is about attitude. I dont need anything to be happy I think. When a person becomes happy over a something new he got or some achievement of his, its usually related to his percieved increase in social acceptance. Because happiness is linked a lot to relations.

Ah crap, I get even irritated by myself. What am I supposed to do about that. I get irritated by almost everyone sometime or the other.

LOL

2006-11-09T18:45:00.001+05:30

This ought to be funny I guess. Now , this moment, I am free. As free as a man can ever be. Yes I am still a slave of many of my habits, of social customs, emotional bonds to a certain extent still, I feel I am free unlike everyone else. I am not scampering for anything in my life. I dont feel the need to go after anything or anyone. I am kinda super sober. Seriously said I dont even feel any kinda emotion as of now. Emotionally totally blank. Its just that I can think, think clearly at that, without passion. Every damn thing seems crystal clear. I dont have grudge against anything or anyone.

My life in retrospect seems empty and at the same time full. Everything seems so paradoxical for me. Most of all myself!. I have an ego that takes offense for the slightest of reasons but then I myself try to burst my ego every now and then. All through my behaviour this sort of paradox seems prevalent. I sometimes feel that I act like a man weighed with age and some of the times like a child who feels the wonder at every new thing that he comes across.

Usually I type in the blogger window, but for a change this is in a notepad file. It seems that how the words form in front you can have an impact upon the texture of what you are writing. This might seem pretty stupid but.. then. what doesnt.

Recently I read three plays of Sartre. The flies, Dirty Hands, The Respectable Prostitute. It was a nice experience reading all of em. Felt really great. When compared to all the recent books I read There seems none which belongs even in the same class. Sartre, Camus, Kafka whats it about that makes me go gaga! But then i didnt like. Sartre's novel Nausea. To say the truth I felt that it was kinda too much nauseating without even a hint of a plot. Usually its the amusing aspect of life from a third person's view that is so alluring in all these stories. I have only read The Stranger by Camus and liked it like anything. But it seems the plays written by Camus and Sartre are even better. Gotta buy them one of these days. :)

Lol I really dont have anything to do I guess. Yeah it does give me a kinda kick to just go on typing . And it give me even more kick just to type with my eyes closed. Without even looking into the monitor. Imagining the words forming in the screen. Wah. It feels great.

In "The flies" there is this famous statement "At the far side of despair, life begins". It feels so true. So much the deeper you go into despair and depression that much you know more about whats it to be truly happy. So that you can even be happy for the fact that you are happy. Which is a never ending cycle.

Ah why do I write so pathetically. Shit. I wanna talk but then there is nobody. Ok agreed there are guys whom I could call up and talk about this very same stuff but that wouldnt be same as sitting side by side in a sofa or on wet grass and talking about what comes to ones mind. The later is so so very liberating and exhilarating for me.

Life seems so short and stretched out at the same time. Lol what kinda sentance is that. I dont exactly remember but I guess its Asimov who said that time is something that resists definition. This life seems so bare and marvelous at the same time. Why so? I dont even know Why I said that. I have this jinx with many a books. I kinda read upto about the halfway mark and then never get around to finishing those books. there are about... 8-10 books like that. I need to get over this habit. Usually what happens is when the book makes you think, I tend to start from all over, because its fun to reread it and.. think from different perspectives.

2006-11-09T18:45:00.000+05:30

2006-10-25T18:20:00.000+05:30

what can I say.. I am staring at this blank page. I wanna fill it with whatever comes to my mind. My mind what is.. it.. no no I am not gonna think about the "meaning" of mind and analyse and all. Do my usual stupid stuff.

I am sometimes just fed up of being..I crave for change every now and then. I want to keep on experiencing something new I guess. or Do I? I feel kinda stupid even writing this blog.

I find that I have nothing to say to anybody. Nothing at all. I am bare of emotions to a great extent. I just go on typing. and typing. Trying to fill all the blank spaces with whatever stupid word that comes to my stupid mind. Why do I keep calling these things stupid. Probably to burst my own ego, I guess. I know I do that pretty lot...

Ah... life is so directionless..I have said this a lot that "life is pointless" . But thinking about the point of the very same statement.. lol I felt like where I wrong all along. Probable very very probable.

Whatever I am gonna do will change everything in the world and nothing :). Its about how you look at it. Should I give up the comfort of inaction! werent that the root cause of all this stupid thought process. Finding complex stupid and wrong answers to simple questions.. Werent I trying to live inside an illusion which I created with so much detail.

Ah but then DO I CARE EVEN NOW? I dont know.................

2006-10-17T01:44:00.000+05:30

For some reason or the other which I dont exactly know my activities have taken a down turn. I am spending more time sleeping than doing anything else. I dont know why its so. It probably might be because of the fact that I have become bored!. Bored to the core, as usual :D. The fact that I can let go of almost anything in my life makes my life interesting and boring at the same time! I for one who goes after the interesting things in life might be one who gets bored the easiest!

I think I would love to experience the different possibilities of death. Its when death might be imminent that life becomes so invigorating unless and until you are touched by fear of death :). I experienced that when I was kinda semitrekking coz one miss step and i would be dead. Ooh baby! Its almost the same case with driving, I guess.

Shit I had accepted the fact that life is pointless, meaningless etc. These words dont even actually mean much. The abstract ideas of "point", "meaning" probably might not have any effect on ones life. But we humans need such "elevated" concepts to hold on to sanity ,to wrap the world into our worldview.

As I was saying to somebody. All my blogs are a conversation with self. It feels great to articulate ones on thought. Shit! we need language to even think. Which means that the scope of our thoughts are limited by the syntax and semantics of the language in which I am thinking!. Bah which means unless language evolves thoughts wont evolve either!

Cut-Out

2006-10-07T11:39:00.000+05:30

Yes I am in this "supposedly" great campus which is made in such a way to boost the self ego of so called wannabe software engineer. I have this host of facilities to while away time. In that respect its really great that I keep doing something or the other everytime.
Some times I feel sick about the way people go about their life in this kinda environment.
But even more so now I am feeling cut-out from world. I dont exactly know whats happening around. Afore I used to be a news savvy person. I always wanted to know what was happening around.

Now I try to keep tabs on things by reading bbcnews feed through google reader. Suddenly it hit me that the news was completely US-centric so totally that I felt really sick of reading of those stupid news article. Why the hell should such an autonomous body go to such pathetic depths!.

When you have your hands full with other things to think about, you wont care about whats happening in this world. The reality of the things wont hit you. You are safe from everything you are cusioned by the salary you get and the support of your family and friends. Life takes on an entirely new dimension. As of now I aint even travelling daily except in this campus. This means that I am out of sync with this world.

Whats funnier is not only am I cut-out of this world I some times feel immense solitude in this campus. I dont feel part of any thing. Sometimes I feel so aloof from everybody cant even empathize with their emotions :).

I wanna talk. I want to express myself. I dont do that well when I am writing. As far as writing is concerned I type too slowly for my thoughts. I kinda mix it up and make a sphagetti of it all!. Which I dont think even I might decipher at a later date.

One of the reasons that was in back of my mind when I came to such an environment was to learn more about people and how they behave, given the fact that each of them are kinda similar entities. Yes I did learn a bit probably will learn a lot more but not much as I hoped.

No I dont know much about humans, I am only an eager student. As a matter of fact thats one of the things that really interest me nowadays. I loved physics, still love it in a way I guess. But now its the way people act and react and respond thats more interesting to me. I would love to learn the patterns or the chaos in such a behavioural system.

Living here sometimes the question pops in my mind what exactly am I doing around here. What am I gonna do with my "LIFE". Only thing I can say is I am living it and waiting for death. Death will neither liberate me or end anything. Its just the end of possibilities of my awareness as I know it now.

I just want to BE. Its that state of being that I am enjoying throughout my life and have fell totally in love with it.

2006-10-01T21:34:00.000+05:30

Gimme One reason to live?
Ans: what about the possiblity that you dont live for a reason.
So then question turns to why then do we usually find out the reason, cause etc.. for a phenomenon or occurence. I believe that has essentially got to do with how we tackle problems in life. Find the cause or reason and do the necessary action to change the result of such and such cause/reason. Which is basically a causal view of all phenomenon. Its a pretty effective technique for most things , that too is given. But when causally speaking the reason for life ,what we can say , is only another life , perpetuation of species and all that :).

I probably wont be right still I think I need to say what I do feel about these kinda ideas. Humans are not exactly rational beings. They are logical to a given degree, but not rational. We are also taken by our emotions which does colour the way we see things. The methodology by which humans go around finding "meaning" about things thats the scientific method might be the best one around, which doesnt mean its the perfect one or.. the only way. Whats essentially the problem as I see it is we humans trying to make a worldview according to the reality the percieve. Our depth of perception of reality might be more than that of any other being, still theres a long way to go for it to be complete.

Bah.. what am I saying.... as if I know anything.. I go on typing crap. Lol. Yes take everything everyone say with a pinch of salt. Whats more I take even my own thoughts with a pinch of salts. Possibility thats something we cant exactly know right. :)

It suffices to say that live I will, whatever happens. For me its about enjoying the fact that I am alive. And Fight I will to live, yes to live and to live only. When I say life is beautiful its not because of its ease or luxury. Its because of how one man tries to make his life in this world. Its all funny. LOL

Presently I am at my home in TVPM. I was happy to see my friends and relatives after coming here. I drove around in my car to happiness :D. I just accept the fact that I too am human and is happy about the fact that I can enjoy most moments in my life, even sometimes some of the more painful moments. I kinda savour those experiences.

So I am going back to mysore. Bye all

hmm...

2006-09-24T20:23:00.000+05:30

I said this somewhere earlier, I have this recurring feeling I am gonna die. Life for me has been boring and getting even more so day by day.

I find it much more interesting to talk to girls than boys just for the single reason that you need to think more while you talk! where as with guys you can talk with your mind turned off. :)

I usually welcome any sorta activity, whether it be mental or physical. So much so that, thats all I do now adays.

I am one of those guys who considers oneself intelligent. By intelligence I dont mean some unidimensional thing like ability to solve math probs, or logical problems. Intelligence spans a wide range of human activity. You need intelligence to predict traffic, talk well, to handle people. So my activities are such as to make myself into as complete an individual as possible.

This being so, I have a superiority complex so much so that I dont mind acting stupid in front of others!. I actually like to act stupid and dumb, which is in one way making fun of them.

This intelligence is also related with the courage to question what I believe in so much so that I have to accept that whatever I believe in is not even the "right" thing. Also even more so there might not be something called the right set of beliefs. So I have no other option as of now but to go along with the broken or not so perfect set of beliefs I am having now! :)

I still dont know what I am doing with my life. I know that I have all that it takes to have a conventionally successful life. But do I want it at all?

I dont.. as of now. If I can get by thats all I care. I just wanna live my life.

Between most people live their lives oblivious to the fact that they are gonna die one day. But I am not like that, I am so aware of it that its at the back of my mind always. I just dont know the time thats all :).

" I await thee".

Yeah.

2006-09-20T17:34:00.000+05:30

There is no point in this blog. To say the damn truth I am fighting terrible boredom.
I never thought it would be this acute. Life seems a lil too easy for my comfort.

Even my thoughts are muddled. I no longer think straight. Its as if I am going into a rut and the depths which I am staring into sometimes leaves me totally dizzy. I prefer to stay in the comfort of my illusions. They are so rosy! and warm. What more do I need.

But knowing how the reality is and what my illusions are its toughfor me
to accept the fact that I am not facing upto the reality. Do I have the courage in me to face up to it. Truth to tell no. I am too damn cozy and comfortable and dont wanna let go of it.

Sometimes I think theres nothing in my life. But yes putting your life on line gives you a kick that nothing else can give you. What they say is true, its on the edge that you are truly alive. Nothing else can even start to compare with it! :). Now I know why I love driving so much.

Life seems so pointless set of instances. All my actions on the bigger frame seems petty and stupid. The thing I am truly enjoying nowadays is cycling. hmm.. I dont know what more to say as of now.

Still Live and Kicking

2006-09-13T18:56:00.000+05:30

Yeah yeah I am still around. It has been around two months since I blogged. As for one who used to blog at a healthy clip that was a long break. You could say I am outta bloggin practice. My english has taken a down turn, so have all my other linguistic skills. Trying to switch between languages in the middle of a conversation does that to your language!

The life at Infy as been kinda OK. First lets see what is the good part.

Firstly I am never idle. I find something or the other to do!. I sleep very little when compared to what I used to. My training performance is kinda ok.I am playing around 3-4 hours everyday. To say the fact having lots fun n frolic. Also made a some great friends after coming here. Sadly they have left after their training. Still Arun is with me :).

I am getting time for everything I guess. Or everything I want to do. Food here is not that great. But I will survive :)

Its such a great feeling to play such a lot! Meaning gets everything outta your mind.

But all said and done am I truly happy. I guess not. The reason is pretty simple. I miss all those conversations I used to have over net or in person with my friends. Yes there are a lot of friends around here too!. But they are usually a lil too busy :).

I miss those wonderful conversations and conferences. I miss playing CS with my friends. miss them big time!.

I am reading books thats a positive but still I cant exactly talk about it to anybody else around here. The wonderful feeling of thinking about things I sorely miss that. Its not that I dont. Its just that I do it so lil these days!.

Sometime I have this feeling I am wasting my time in this company. I dont know why as if I am running away from something when I am here. That feeling I cant stomach that easily. I wanna stand and face up to it!. Even if that means end of anything or everything. Ah.....

But then again. Life for me is just a collection of experiences. I go by impulses, what I feel. If I loose anything I dont feel bad anymore!. I just accept it. What that means is I am not a great competitor. hmm.. I still like it that way. I used to be such a guy who wanted to prove his point at all costs. Slowly but surely I am changing. Maybe this is the sign of maturity or maybe its sign that I can change anything. Or better still there is no point in changing anything.

I have a nice analogy in my mind. When you are a part of the pattern and then you try to change it what happens. You will still end up creating a pattern how ever much you try. It will still will be the same pattern which is evolving.

Then with this kinda insignificance staring at me, how do I continue my life. Er no I wont give up this life that easily!. What if what I believe in is totally wrong. Yeah I know, I have worked on my belief structure to suit the reality I have percieved. And Yes I do know too that my perception will never percieve the entirity of even a single object in this so called world.

Sometimes I start to ask why do I need to think so much. Just let it be.. But then again it is better to traverse this much in your mind than to not to think.

Not thinking is not an option for me. Some prefer to shut things out. I cant for the simple reason that if I do that my system of belief will crumble. which is supposed to based on just observation. I wont say its a rational system. I would just like to say that its plainly my own! I dont have any illusion of me being rational. I am as much an emotional being as any other human might be. I used to think in vain that I could transcend emotionality. But then I understood Thats sheer stupidity.

The emotional responses are specific behavioural responses in any "being" let it be even artificial life. To respond to subtle changes in the environment better!. Like emotion drives you to a specific set of actions proper to that environment!. Fear, anger, lust etc...

I sometimes feel so fed of being myself. Hmm.. I might not have accepted this publicly, but the fact is I have this huge superiority complex. Yeah I do. Most guys wouldnt even feel that when i talk to them. because I dont feel the need to stamp it in at all! in anything. Moreover I dont think about whos superior or whos not anymore. I now know why death thrills. Yes when you have the possiblity to die each instance becomes that much mroe interesting! nothing can beat that feeling!.

Truth to be told blogging again feels so good!. hmm..

The guys I miss big time are my bro, Fox, shocks, kickie and divs :(... hope to see them all at the earliest!.

last...prolly!

2006-07-12T00:26:00.000+05:30

Er.. fact is.. I am going from my hometown. I will be moving to start my training etc.... So.. what.. this means is.. that i am facing so many "prlly last time" phenomena! ofcourse its not exactly the "last time" phenomena .. where you dont give even a ounce of chance. When this clicked was I visited the lib with my bro.. and he was telling me.. this will be prolly the last time we come togethor to the lib! thats when the train of thought started.. culminating in this blog.

See the style of bloggin itself is kinda different.

I am kinda starting to understand.. how it is like.. staring down the barrel!. Theres both an exhilaration and fear, both of the unknown :D. Yeah I am grinning thinking about this.. Its when you push at the edge that you are..most alive. Some say that its when pain is really...bad that you know how alive you are. Oh boy when you can stomach that time.. you feel on the TOP!. Its the bring it on attitude as if you ready!..for death. Meaning the take that prolly outta the equation.. You get how the poor guys feel.

I know one thing for sure.. after leaving here...and after a few years.. i find happiness in the fact that fewer people will shed tears for me. :)!. ok.. to tell the truth this might even prolly be last post! Who knows :). Whatever may come, I have enjoyed blogging. ofcourse not quite lived up to my name of franticblogger. but was frantic at times :). This is my 153rd post. hmm...

Er.........

2006-06-29T16:05:00.000+05:30

Usually I dont dream. No this blog is not about my dreams either. Call it whatever visions, feeling, dream, perception ,thought, anything the fact is that I think i will say good bye pretty soon. No dont ask me the time frame. It might be while I writing this blog in which case you wouldnt even read it. Or.. it might take another 20 years.. who knows.

Any way the point being I have a feeling that I have nothing much more to give to this world. I am just existing. I dont feel part of anything. Sometimes not even my family. And mind you I respect all of them very much whether it be my mother, father brother.. or any relatives. I do know that They do care for me too. But thats not the point. The point is I am feeling so distant even from my self sometimes.

Lets consider the reason. It might be prolly coz of the fact that I have learned more about myself in past 1 yr than in the 20 years before that. And the rate at which I am learning about myself is quite like an exponential one. Needless to say As I have learned about myself , that much more I have learned about my fellow beings.

I feel I am lost to this world. Day by day I feel as if I am closer and farther away from the reality. Closer from my perspective and farther from others. Ofcourse the one reading this would obviously come to the conclusion that I am further from reality!. Thats your discretion, i have nothing to say to that. Because reality is not something I could show you. You need to be ready to accept it. Trying to shut those out wont exactly change anything except your perception.

In the end I am having these visions of being hit by a moving vehicle at high speeds. Whats funny about it is In this "vision" i think I will try to avoid an oncoming cycle onto an oncoming Truck!.:D. Pretty funny. I only have one wish on this. Dont u sue the poor truck driver. If you want go sue the cyclist.

Death has always been something I never feared I dont know why. No I am not one of those guys with any kinda suicidal tendancy. I accept things are they are and then work towards changing it. Thats being ruthlessly practical in one sense. Atleast according to mine. Sometimes i feel that moment of my death would be the moment where I will be a complete individual. So I actually eagerly await that moment, that moment of clarity, that moment that should bring me joy as no other moment might.

Death my lover, I await thee. But its just a feeling. Something because I have hte feeling that I am being like an useless shit. Which means theres a chance that I will change , my perspective will change my attitude will change my priorities will change. Change is something i always look forward to whether it be good or bad. It always keeps me occupied. In understanding the change.

PS: I suddenly understood whats the problem with my writing or whats the good thing about it. I dont think out sentances or paragraphs. I dont reread it. I just post it as I type it. Sometimes when I type I leave out so many words which came in the mind because I cant type as fast as I think obviously!. I type the words as if I am speaking to a third person, which makes it grammatically incorrect and what not. But Theres somekinda beauty in my writing which I love. Yeah the beauty is that theres no structure.

Pink Floyd!

2006-06-20T21:39:00.000+05:30

Many have spoken written and expressed their awe of this band. I have only lately started to hear their albums, Still am not exactly dont know all their songs. As far as I am concerned, music was never an integral part of my life. Sad to say maybe, but then those time I was using up for other activities. Which usually sufficed to keep me busy.
Only after 2nd year engineering did I start even to follow music moderately.

Pink floyd gets into your head. Its like on of those memes..You cant easily get it outta your mind once it gets in. And you wouldnt want it either. For me pink floyd is quite like the rhythm of the sea waves breaking on the shore. There always seems to be a kinda weird rhythm which you just cant pick out. This kinda music is something you need to soak in to experience.

It clears your mind of all the previous thoughts. As some might put it its a good mind drug!. The best example of the above case is their "Echoes". Simply superb. The subtelity lies in the fact that. Sometimes its their lyrics which seems to imparting the above said rhythm where as sometimes its their instrumentals. So its like a myriad beautiful tunes playing togethor synchronised into something transcends whats usually called music.

hmm...

2006-06-03T00:39:00.000+05:30

The truth of the matter is I have almost given up fighting. I dont want any thing in life as it is, Ofcourse which means that I might want later on. I just accept things as it is. I dont get angry about. I dont feel any righteous anger. The only reason I can give is.. Everything seems pointless, most acute of these being my own existance. I know that for the past four years I havent really worked on anything except my projects. Even there It was only a lil better than half hearted.

The funny thing is its all tangled heirarchies and infinite loops.. The thought cant go in so called straight lines and logical paths. Because for any logical conclusion there are so many intervening steps. So theoritically if you start thinking logically you wont end. Oh maybe then it would be easier to redifine logic. Yeah right thats what everyone does. I am not a rational being. I am highly irrational. As for the facts.. Theres nothing more irrational than a human being.

The Superiority of our so called intelligence itself might bring about the fall of our race. If it comes to that..

In all probability I will face the new phase of my life with the same detachment as I did for my engineering course. I didnt feel anything for the course I was doing. There was no fucking passion in it except for the project. Yes I enjoyed doing the project.

If the above situation arises, Its anybodies guess how things will end up.

I have a stupid habit of saying just the opposite of what I would be blabbing till then. I am not gonna break it. On the other side it might be just that my interest are too varied or not too deep into anything.. its like I scan the surface of everything. once I know how something works thats it for me. I am not interested in it anymore.. Or is that the truth.. I dont know..

So I await the day when I can find all about myself. and then. :). I will have supreme boredom in my hands. That will be a exquisite experience If I will have it that is.

Snippets of Thought

2006-05-24T21:46:00.000+05:30

"Fright never injures anyone. What injures the spirit is having someone always on your back, beating you, telling you what to do and what not to do." Don Juan

Philosophy is good tool for evaluting a system performance, when you arent inside that. So is the case with statistics. Which means you dont wanna bet on statistics to get a thing done

"That which doesnt kill you makes you stronger." Nietzsche

I live for the moment. Atleast when I am Typing this thing out.

When others can boast about over the top percentages I can say with pride that I have a sexy one. 69% :D

Maths is much more a rigourous system than language. But then.. Maths not the ultimate either. Principia Mathematics tried to make it. But Thanx to Godel it aint!

I tried to tell people that if anyone puts a pair of shades and a leather jacket anyone can be made to look "COOL". But alas now I am supposed to be one . The fool that I am.

I am now talking stupid. Its fun to talk in that. Everyone understands this language perfectly!! Best of all me!! :D.

Bypass road near Chaka TVPM Goes up.. Well accelerating up this gives you a heady feeling as if you are gonna fly off. As if you are gonna be on the top of the world !!!.

Hand brakes can be used for better cornering. The only problem is How much should I turn the wheel :D. And how much rubber do I burn in that process. And ofcourse how many stares can I withstand :D

Gabriel Garcia Marquez. One of the proponents of magical realism. I recently read his 100 yrs of solitude which won nobel prize for literature some years back. What was great about that work was His whole story would move from past to future to present with ease. He would draw parallels with future from the past. Bring past to the future. Moreover his characters were all so palpable with their solitude. Everyone of them was .. They were all unique. Reading that made me acutely aware of my solitude.

Come to think of it i only remember the names of half the books I have read. The others I dont even remember when I have read them! OH but then they are hardly worth mention I guess

Snippets ___CLOSED

Sucks!! or does it??

2006-05-10T00:58:00.000+05:30

I am confused. My mind is hazy.. what the fuck is this all about.. Why am I acting so strange.. I am having difficulty actually arangin the letters in a sentence.. Dont know why.. Typing is not a problem. Only thinking is..

Why is this life so boring and exciting at the same time. Why is it filled with contradictions and paradoxes.. Ah yes.. its not the life but my mind.. which seems those things in this light...

But Do I the coward/mad guy truly dare/think of stripping away those perceptions from my mind. And start building from the rock bottom.. But then again DO I CARE A DAMN. I dont. I dont for much of even my life. Who AM I. A sore looser or one who has travelled too much into his own mind. What did I gain. Nothin.

What is with all the charade I go through.. Do I really want to do that. But then whats reason.. When mans mind is inherently irrational. How do you attribute rationality to it.. Yes if you are irrational how can your thoughts be rational. Does that mean my irrational thoughts are rational.. Argh Stupid words.. They dont mean a thing..

Why is that suddenly I feel so Lonely. Or is it exactly loneliness. Rather aint I alienating all others from myself. My mind seems to be numb.. No fear/hurt/happiness/sadness/anger/irritation/frustration etc.. Maybe this is what is supposed to be. SANE. Does the word stupid mean anything...or is it same as being SANE.

Nothing and everythihg interest me. Nobody and everybody interests me.
I am a complete fool. This is a charade too..Just a prop for anyone who passes by this.

Re: Again Intelligence For dummies

2006-05-06T22:26:00.000+05:30

These are the general tips they may or may not apply to anybody. This means that some of it might be true other may be completely false. If you do not feel so do tell.

1. Dont talk , act as if you are thinking. Dont say a word. Keep your mouth shut. You may sleep. Try to do it with your eyes open that is if you can. I see that it helps.

2. Say that I am the most stupid person. Dont over do it. Usually tell it once a week. That is the ideal rate. Never tell what you really , stupid would be a gross underestimation of the facts. Say instead I was thinking about some thing related to . Like "I was thinking about it from another angle" and failed to see the consequences.

3. When somebody ask you What are you thinking? Just tell "I was thinking about why we exist? and so on. DONT elaborate what you think about existance as you most probably wont know the meaning of it.

Remember at all times that most probably they are much more intelligent than you are. So dont take risk. If you dont open your mouth and act like thinking you can actually pull it off.

4. Join all those communities in Orkut about the philososphers. People seeing this will think that , you are some one really intelligent. Try to post as much as possible. Then write a profile saying the truth. That is You dont know yourself.

5. Start Blogging. Use a stupid name. That usually pays of. Write about all things that comes to your mind. But mind you never make it clear what you are trying to say. Just confuse them as much as you can. Write about Physics and Philosophy as much as possible. It is sure shot ,people would think that you are brilliant.

6. Ofcourse you need to read the back of the books as much as possible and if possible read some books that you might understand, atleast the language, leave the content. Who needs the content. Then write a review as big as you can. Telling you liked that and this about that story.

7. When you speak you should be careful to use as little words as possible more and you might be in trouble. Also try to invent words so that others wont understand it. Then tell it is french or greek.

This is all for today.
Have a nice day. Oh i forgot do tell "Have a nice day" always . It does help a lot.
PS: When you are writing always make as many mistakes as possible.

This is what I wrote Long time back. I again felt Like posting it..
After reading this post.. What one might feel is self sarcasm . But thats not only the actual case.. :D Similar is the case of My stupid photos.. Meaning what people think as cool.. Hmm....Put an H after all your consonants and LO your english pronounciation become better..

Maybe I will write one more.. blog along this line..

Frantic Blogs again

2006-05-04T20:22:00.000+05:30

I have had a kinda sabbatical from bloggin.. mostly coz this is all somewhat pointless. Then it goes in a viscious circle, where no one knows where it starts or ends..

Maybe we are looking at the point from a pointless position :D. See what this is all about.. Inteplay of ideas has been simply reduced to interplay of words, ofcourse some might say that...words denote ideas concept etc.. But here its not actually the ideas that are manipulated just the thought. Meaning we dont think further than the words..

Words have got no more significance other than just verbal symbols.. so here we denote dynamic ideas by static words.. Thats something which varies with something which doesnt.

Argh.. you cant exactly get out of this trap, because we need words.. They are essential, only if theres a more wholesome syntax for communication which would have all the required sensory information.. and a way to understand such a syntax too :). No dont ask me how it might be.. If I knew I wont be using this.

I Dont mean it would be enough.. I just meant it would be better.. anyway the idea is that words mean only what we want them to mean.. They aint active.. Its like whats he meaning of meaning..

2006-05-04T20:15:00.000+05:30

Some of my friends might rememeber a post I made last year about how I love mangoes and how much I devour them with relish given a chance. And today was the day mangoes from the tree in my house finally ripened.

And Yes I has been eating them since noon.. almost has lost count.. It should be around.. 12-15.. Yummy.. Belly full of mangoes is so so satisfying.. It has been a great experience.. And yes at this rate by day after tomm.. All the mangoes that has been plucked prolly will be over. Er, this runs in the family actually, my dad too loves mango, very very much, Dont know who likes em more.. me or him :D

Oh we do share a lot of similar tastes hehe..

Tug a Tag!

2006-04-30T19:10:00.000+05:30

Here goes.. A Tag by Shocks

1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4.
Need to go to the next room :P, I just cleared all my books you know Coz They make a mess the way they were, Lemme see " known in three dimensions, while our picture is only in two dimen-"

2.Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
NOthing... I am sort of in the middle of the room hehe.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Last thing.. dont exactly remember.. Hmm.. Prolly some singing program in Kairali.

4.Without looking, guess what time it is?
7.15.

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
7.19. hmm..

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
I can hear my music system Playing Amour by Rammstein, then something going on TV downstairs.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Today evening. Went to take a small stroll .

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Orkut.

9. What are you wearing?
Shirt and tracks..

10. Did you dream last night?
I sleep like Plop..No dreams usually..

11. When did you last laugh?
Last laugh eh when I started doing this one..:P

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Lan cable wires, One clock, a CFL lamp, tubelight, Book shelves, a mobile charger.

13 Seen anything weird lately?
come to think of it.. Me sitting here is kind weird rigt. Doing nothing just typing out stupidly.. But then I might be weird too..Did look into the mirror recently

14. What do you think of this quiz?
Not bad.. NOt bad at all...

15. What is the last film you saw?
Man bites Dog .

16. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Hmm.. Many a things...Cars, private beach, Books, Better computer, bonds/shares,

17. Tell me something about you that I dunno.
I am funny :P

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Prolly try to change social structure if thats possible..

19. Do you like to dance?
Yep..

20. George Bush.
Er sad case of anthromorphology, and a sick mind.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Hmm.. Havent thought of any.. lemme think. I would prlly call her baby right [:D],
Probably any one of these Lekshmi, nandini, parvathi, aparna,nandaja, neeraja,

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Er one of these Balagopal, Aswin, Deepak, Dont know.. I am nt that good at naming

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yup, :D.. Moreover I would like to have a travellin life at that.

24.What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
( THE BELOW STATEMENT HAS BEEN TAKEN COMPLETELY FROM HITCH HIKERS GUIDE TO GALAXY, IT IS PERFECT)
I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."

"But," says ME, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED."

"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't though of that" and promply vanishes in a puff of logic.

Say that I did.

2006-04-07T03:15:00.000+05:30

This is one fine moment. I am awake. Yes truly awake.

My english is not exactly great rather its downright ordinary. Maybe because I hold in contempt the lanugauge as a medium for expression. This is because of the limits language. Where once we use words thats it the thought process is over. Where as in case of a painting or a movie you will think.

In language the words limit thought. They give boundaries. They give arbitary textures to the thought. This while is sufficient for most purposes, can act as a limitation for many a people. This in turn causes a sort of suffocation.

So what could be a better medium of expression. Or Could language become still better. Yes theres scope for both. Visual media is a better media than language. OFcousres there isnt any media which is the perfect one. Perfection is a relative term. Will mean one thing to one person.( For some aishwarya rai might be perfect and for
others monica bellucci is
.:P)

I dont know how well this is turning out to be. Anyway continuing in my own manner, The need for expression, communication is something innate in every living object. For them its the act of being alive. Life as a form of art is the supreme art. Where one should savour the feeling of being alive.
Its the feeling of being able to feel thats the Imost important.

I started out this writeup with no aim, AIM is something abstract thats something up there in our heads. Its not real as physically tangible. But for that matter neither is time.

We are supposed to be seeing the effect time has on us.

Analyzing the reason for this particular blog, I find it that, most probably it might be because of a some films I recently viewed. Particularly by Ingmar Bergman. Those movies made me think like no other had. I was averse to seeing black and white movies. But the content of these movies made me sit up and take notice just like that.

Ah the funny part is When I started this out I was not sleepy but Now I am :). WIll hit the sack just after I post it. ITS 3 in the morn, Perfectly respectable time for a person to go to sleep. But I do wonder When I will see the light of the day again. Prolly after 9 :P.

Some titles are better left unsaid

2006-04-03T21:03:00.000+05:30

Lot can be said about anything, But usually it results in NOTHING. Most probably this particular blog entry wont change anything. My language skills are extremely inadequate for the task I have set for myself. Just an hour before, I saw somewhere someone discussing about whether rape merits hanging as punishment. It was supposed to be some SMS poll or something, anyway 95% answered in the affirmative.

It was a shock to me, this is not to justify in any way rape. That is a very heinious crime. What it does is to take away the dignity. Where its more of an assault on the mind and the intellect, rather than physical. So it severly disorients ones view of the world. Its like doing something to your body and mind that you detest by those whom you detest. Agreed these are all true, but Is hanging the rapist a solution to the problem.

Here what is being, done is to make the punishment for hte crime severe so that it serves as a detterent to the crime. But the question that arises in my mind is there soemthing called a greater crime or lesser crime, Where taking the life of the aggressor is a necessary crime committed by the society. Yes when I say the society, everyone who feels that the rapist should be hanged, has a part in that crime, because we make the society.

This is the very reason that has prompted me to blog about it. I dont feel that I can remain a mute spectator who agrees with this law. I believe each individual has got his own or her own freedom and messing up with that to various degrees is always bad.
Granted that the rapist should be given punishment. Its just that I feel sentencing one to death whatever the crime maybe is a bigger crime than anything else. OH yes its my personal view. If its just the natural system, I would suggest that the one whom is the percieved threat for the masses would be removed from existance by the masses. I wouldn't suggest that for a so called civilized system.

No dont ask me whats the punishment that needs to be meted out to this particular crime. I would suggest that thats something society needs to discuss. Gradually a sort of general idea will emerge. eg: condemning the criminal to 30 yrs Life imprisonment. And yes there are varying degrees of the crime.

Bah!! the shit that I have written above just says that rape shouldnt get death sentence as punishment. Simply because sentencing one to death is not a solution to this Issue. Ofcourse the other part is that if you project something as a solution to a problem with enough clarity in media then that would seem to be the solution to a majority. That doesnt mean its the solution.

So what we need the most here is attitude of the society to the fact that Life doesnt stop at all after such an incident. It can still be a wonderful experience. The victims needs the support of the society as a whole. If not why call ourselves a civilized society. There should be trauma counselling cells which could help the victims.

In the end I know this blog is just for my comfort. So I stop.

(PS: Havent been bloggin for quite a while and suddenly I found it difficult to blog. Meaning It wasnt exaclty easy to put into words what I wanted to say, and I wanted to say a lot more here. )

Busy or what

2006-03-20T19:01:00.000+05:30

For once I have been really busy. I have been running around a lot, first it was the quest. I wont say it went good enough. I was not satisfied with the quality of the events. Anyway its done and over with.

Next is the gaming haze I am under. I had been gaming day in and out. With the fact that I got a new BSNL connection. And I had bought an Original Counterstrike game from steam. So the whole time I am playing CS online on one server or the other. I believe my gaming has improved a damn big lot. Then there was the lan part@ Focus IT. Cumulative gaming hours for past three days would amount to around 30 or more. I had literally freaked out. The haze has cleared out completely today :).

So if you happen to see me online now, just remember that I might be gaming :D. I will surely respond when I get outta it. the only reason I am in yahoo is to see whether those who play with me has come online :D.

another Test

2006-03-03T22:24:00.000+05:30

Benevolent Leader

My Personal Dna Report

Inherent Incoherence

2006-02-28T18:28:00.000+05:30

This is a verbal experiment. The form which I havent decided yet.

In this world everyone adheres to one system or another system of belief. I was born as any baby would be without the structure of the systems imprinted into my mind.

Or is there an underlying system which every human has? That remains to be seen. In all probability there might by.

So as I grow through the interactions and interferences with this world through my parents, relatives, peers, teachers and very many other people , I start forming the structure of how I see this world. As at present I have tried to keep it a fluid one. Thats a structure that can be dismantled with ease.

But the fact is that I neither have the will nor the time or the needed effort to dismantle the whole system and in place built one which is entirely based upon rational thought. Such an endeavour is a challenge in itself, rivaling the great achievements a human can accomplish. In future I might or I might not.

So what exactly is this system. Its the system of belief, Humans need to attribute certain human qualities to the world around them to make inhabitable. They attribute kindness, cruelity etc to nature. Thats abstract meaning to tangible objects. This is also like saying Sun is bright. where Sun is the object which is "supposed" to be physically tangible and bright is the abstract concept we have attributed to the sun.

Each system equips a person in different levels to exist. Yes thats the primal objective of all these systems. To survive and populate.

Here I would like to quote what Russel said about philosophy " Uncertainity, in the presence of vivid hopes and fears, is painful but must be endured if we wish to live without the support of comforting fairy tales."

So each system gives the individual a kind of abstract worldview using which he might feel at ease with this world. At the same time if the view is completely unrelated to the world there comes a conflict of needs, where the primal needs and the needs created by the new system contradict. ( I am not saying it exactly the way I want to.) There are no indubitable answers in this world.

Theres nothing absolute. This means that whatever I might say or believe or want to believe is neither right nor wrong. I for myself now think myself as an Atheist. It is supposed to be one who doesnt believe in GOD. As of now Its just another system, albeit according to me a better one.

"Life No argument
We have mapped out for ourselves a world in which we can bear to live-by positing bodies, lines place, causes and effects motion and rest, fomr and content. Without these articles of faith nobody could tolerate life- but that is no proof of the truth of any of them. Life is no argument. THe conditions of life may include error."
This is what Neitzsche said sometimes, somewhere.

Here we have that the system will temper our thoughts. Now I dont believe in any "purpose" neither does I have any ambitions. I still do like to be with my fellow beings so much so that I will act like them to be with them. At one level I will take childish when someone gives me something I cherish. Yes I do cherish a lot of material things. These material things are not exactly what would be called necessary for life. It is just that in some point in life due to the enviroment I live in, I have come to like them and would love to have them. Even though till now I havent made an effort from my part to get them.

This system That I have made for myselves seems really comfortable. But I know there might be some fallacies inbuilt in it. And I dont want to be blind to it. Yes maybe I can live an existance where I turn a blind eye to all these. But then I would be simply limiting my experience. Its like a man closing his eyes and proclaiming theres no light. As an afterthought actually is there something called light?

Its the ability to change that is important. Its the ability to change ones perspective from one to the other that makes him more than he was. I know that or atleast I think I know that after five years I wont think like this. At the very least there will be a subtle shift but sometimes I might have embraced a completely different system of thought. I think I can feel that I am changing by the second. So each second is valuable.

The whole reason for this blog was a need for expression. To whom I dont know. Maybe just to myself, maybe to few of my friends.

Long time

2006-02-25T00:58:00.000+05:30

It has been a long time since I posted, or atleast I feel it so. Had done quite a few things in between. I have just read the book Five point Someone. JUST and Now I cant remember much of it. Meaning it was a superb page turner and was engrossing.

It's supposed to give you an insight into the workings of the IIT's and the students. The questions this raise for the academic community is extremely valid. Oh but whos academic?

Usually engg students can easily identify with the protagonists esp those like me with supplies etc who will only try to have a good time at that. Portrayal of an engineers life in college is almost apt.

I do have a Nine Pointer as a close friend of mine( Did His grade drop to the high 8 or what). Anyway He doesnt exactly act out like whats typically shown here.

This friend of mine is doing Dual Degree in an IIT, What he does is in his third year "just for the fun of it" his exact words goes and writes the GATE exam for mechanical Engg. Mind You he is a Dual Degree wala that is He has to do an Mtech and Gate Is primarly for that.

And.. He gets the first. Yep First in Gate. I really sympathise the guy who got second. If he ever gets to know this then He might become even Desp.

As for a story for someone outside this whole system, they wont be able to identify with the story as much.

But think about it.. a guy from IIT graduates, Gets into IIM-A and then ...
He writes stories. Well how about that :D. I find it funny. Really funny. The humour in the book is not through the conversations at all, its just through the Situations.

There has been another book I was trying read over an year. It was a collection of passages by Neitzsche. Meaning Everytime I manage to read till the half the book then I give it up. Anyway each time I read it makes me think. Its wonderfully engrossing.

Dislikes

2006-02-16T09:51:00.000+05:30

This is a tag given to me by ma friend Poison

I dont know how to list them. I cant exactly put a finger onto them. I will simply type whats comes to my mind.

The fact is this, I dont know whether this list will remain so coz I accept the fact that I will change. So will my likes and dislikes. But this my take on these things at present.

1. I dislike people trying to close their own minds ( sometimes even myself)

2. I dislike pop music usually.

3. I dislike usually alcoholics and smokers usually( when they are in action)

4. I dislike people trying to push me

5. I dislike mega serials.

6. I dislike multi mega serials even more.

7. I dislike petty ego.(but whose to decide whats petty or not)

8. I dislike planned out life.

9. I dislike censorship.

10.I dislike willful propoganda be it any media(sometimes I like antipropoganda propoganda :D).

11.I dislike all those things that might harm my existance as any entity should.

12.I dislike people trying to wake me when I am asleep.

13.I dislike people requesting me to sleep when I am awake.

14.I too dislike slow net connection :((.

15.I dislike righteous anger.

16.I dislike bad mouse pads.

17.I dislike me getting fat.

18.I dislike corporate manipulations ( as if people are just pawns).

19.I dislike Living life for a purpose (it becomes so unidimensional).

20.I dislike taking things too... seriously. (You lose focus)

Hey 20 of them. Seems not a bad no to stop eh :D. and it taken 15 mins too. Thats a long time.

What can I say.

2006-02-07T21:04:00.000+05:30

One hand on the steering wheel, a muddied windscreen yep I am driving. The right hand is out side feeling the wind. I always liked to feel the wind on my hand oh and my face too. Time is 7.30 am travelling from Keshavadasapuram to Eastfort. Theres moderate oncoming traffic.

As with each on coming vehicle my visibility is reduced to dust, due to the dust on the windscreen. Still I dont use my right hand. I just keep on pushing my luck, I floor the accelerator. Now I am moving, I really start to like the feeling of the cold wind. It becomes better and better.

Even in face of increasing traffic I refuse to slow down, I weave in and out of it using my left hand. The only thing that keeps me from an accident is..
Probability I suppose. But who knows when that well will dry up.

Even if it rains I usually drive in this style, thanks to the vehicle being A Maruti Its a one hand drive machine. I love the feel of the wind. Its caress, especially that of the cold wind.

Its sad fact that I dont ride a bike. It would have given me much more interesting experiences with the wind. I will make it up one day I suppose.

When I travel in a train, I take pains to travel most of the time on footboard even if I have a comfortable berth to sleep on. In train the experience is taken to another plane entirely. I lean completely out at the middle of night from the train. If its not cold enough I wet my hands and face and lean out. A thrill runs through my entire body. The risk involved in here is simply the risk of hands becoming too numb to hold on.

I had an oppurtunity to visit Peermedu, in Idukki. By 7 o clock In the morning I reached the high ranges. The car was an ambassador, 2000cc Isuzu engine. A solid car even at 80-90kmph you wont know a thing. I suppose it could travel smoothly at around 120ks but the driver seemed even more solid than the car. He was an ex-military. He kept the vehicle's speed a constant at 80-90ks in NH and around 50-60 in High ranges.

After reaching the destination. I got down immediately and lo there's wind and it seemed better than any I had felt till then. There was greenery all around, aptly called green with life. There were all shades of the green. And with the winds there seemed something really active about the whole place. And the climate was exactly what I liked. The funny part was everybody else was cursing the wind, because It was sucking the warmth I suppose.

Its all about cooling myself. I like cooler climate. If given a choice i would be in a pool allday long. Its so relaxing. You just lie around in water and every pain in your body seems to ebb away with the water.

Anyway I need to cleen the windscreen of my car :D. Coz if not when it rains its pure and unadulterated guess work.

One more blogtest

2006-02-05T23:21:00.000+05:30

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious.

Overall, your true self is creative and expressive.

With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situation, you seem like you're oblivious to the stress.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

Tools

2006-02-05T21:25:00.000+05:30

These are about the analytical tools I usually use.

I think they are rather becoming dull. It might be just my feeling. I also have a feeling that these are inappropriate for many a things.

Anyway these are not in the exact order. I had to reboot while I was writing this thing. So i amdoing it again.
These tools are basically Ideas and concepts

Paradox:This is that there are seemingly paradoxical things in this world. Eg as in the case of a more energetic wave having less penetrating power. Simply said the higher the energy more disproportionately the wave need to spend on each particle the its is incident on. So this tool tells us that even there are paradoxes , it means that

Chaos Theory: Its a beautiful idea. It says that there is order in chaos. Its just that we are not able to percieve that theres the order. So random events are not random. Theres no exact proof for these things. Avalanches and turbulent flow is the ideas used to describe this concept.

Neurons: Ones awareness is the result of the pattern of firing of neurons. Where by the whole spectrum of our mental activity is the direct result of this. And this pattern itself is the awareness.

Perception: This means that one can only percieve facts. Thats how we take facts into our system. Yes that process is what I mean by perception. One persons perception of facts might differ from another's. We cant quantify or qualify a fact without a reference.

Subjective: We can think only from our perspective. Theres no point in thinkin about thinking in others perspective. So even if we switch one subjective view we will be taking another one. this cant be replaced. Purely objective view of things is not possible Because as you are alive your awareness thinks with references to self.

Relative: This is about the whole thought process in general. The relativity means that every thing requires a reference. Humans have the urge to classify things. Because it makes it easier to identify a property or characteristic with the said object.

Intelligence: This is something I have talked a lot in this blog of mine. Here it doesnt refer who does a sum fastest. It refers one abilities in general. One may the intelligence of colours, music, abstract, numbers, ideas, taste, touch the list might be longer than what I think :D. The point is its the ability to percieve that property of a thing better than average.

Logic: This is one of the most important tools as its obvious. To tell in a nutshell it means that dont take anything for granted. Meaning from one step to next you have to go through it systematically. Otherwise your result is susceptible to be false.

I suppose it covers most of them. There might be one or two I missed out.

2006-01-30T21:50:00.000+05:30

Yeah I have been an active blogger for past 24 hrs. Anyway It has been what six blogs from my last bullshit blog. Yeah I call it that. But atleast I am writing only the bullshit I think up. And people have found out all kinds of uses for bullshit.

Some are so so innovative. Anyway coming back to what I had in my mind.

This is on a topic which many have asked. I will try to put up some kind of an answer to that. It might not be complete but I hope it'd be a good one.

" This is due to a conversation I had with Ashok"

Why do we need to communicate?

My first answer was maybe because of my insecurity feeling, that is if I had any. Meaning people communicating to get over there feeling of insecurity.

Then the angle of approach to the problem changed to one of survivability. Where as far as concerned, communication helped in making the memebers of a single species itself act as a bigger loosely connected organization. Where the loose connection was based on the ability to communicate.

Many might say the world has moved much forward from that time. But I beg to differ that all that has changed is our data about this world and they way we live in it. But now how we are alive in it.

We are alive because of the society. A lone man doesnt usually have the necessary resources or skill to live off by himself. So its communication which tightens the bond which binds and connects him to the society. It might be the same bond which restricts to some extent and causes to some extent his improvement. He improves in areas where the society is advanced than him and his improvement is impeded where the society is not.

But all said and done I dont think the above said reasons are completely satisfactory.

Meaning our necessity to communicate might be closely related to our ability to think . Then again might be not.

Music

2006-01-30T17:12:00.000+05:30

This Is a post about my musical inclinations.
I am not exactly an avid music lover. I like the instrumentals more than the lyrics.

I like Carnatic, Hindustani Classicals. Brought up on songs by yesudas its no big deal that I like carnatic. I usually dont remember the name of the song. I just hear them.

Among Indian Music directors ofcourse Rahman is the best bet for a good tune :D.

I love drums. So Its only natural that I like those tabalas , mridangams and Chendas.
I love flute too. Its music is usually so hauntingly beautiful, ofcourse if played by a maestro.
Violin I love only the performance of "Kunnakudi Vaidyanathan". He is a true maestro unparalleled.

Then comes the fusion scene, NO I dont know even one of their names. Its about the cross between those guitars and tablas which sounds so so nice.

After this I think its about Micheal Jackson. yeah I do love most of his songs. I love the beats with which he makes them.

Then comes ROCK :D Yeah yeah I am a big fan of rock. I dont like pop much. And dont tell me Linkin Park is rock.
The no of bands I like are few. But it does include a nice collection.

Pink Floyd.
Ozzy .
Metallica.
Rammstein.

I like creed also to an extent.

anyway some other rock bands are also ok by me.

To an extent I like techno and trance. Pink Floyd and Ozzy are cool. I lik'em But metallica and Rammstein seems to be the two which really drives me :D.

2006-01-29T20:55:00.000+05:30

I have forgiven, starting to forget a particular incident. Initially my reaction was one of anger at the percieved injustice.

I realized that everybody is human. They commit mistakes.(yes there was a mistake and it was not from my part). I am moving forward, no point in dwelving on past. It will only result in me being stressed out a lil more.

The good part is that I enjoyed what I did yesterday. Saw a group of enthusiastic juniors. I was really happy seeing the work they had done. Actually more impressed by them than anything else actually.

Way to go Guys.

Short 1 indeed.

2006-01-29T19:59:00.000+05:30

This is a post clarifying about the cupids blog.

Its actually most important part.

What I want in a girl, as many, someone who can walk( i walk pretty fast too) by my side my whole life.

Its easier said than done and I am a fast paced person.

In short "I want someone whom I dont need to drag by or someone who will drag me with her".

Am I really !

2006-01-27T22:24:00.000+05:30

I didnt think the choices given where really the right type to identify an atheist most proabably written by a "theist".
Still the result is what one expects.

You are an Atheist

When it comes to religion, you're a non-believer (simple as that).
You prefer to think about what's known and proven.
You don't need religion to solve life's problems.
Instead, you tend to work things out with logic and philosophy.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

taGGed

2006-01-25T23:08:00.000+05:30

Run for cover theres a tag coming this way.

Now where did I put that.

Ah here its
I have been tagged by Ashok(No I cant link the URL :().
He asked me to write 8 points about my perfect lover so here are the eight points:

Rules of the game are …
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.

Sex of the target : Female

My perfect lover should be:( Oh thinking a lot about the word perfect)
( one or two points i could have tried but my my eight, it would be difficult even for those so called guys with the perfect love I think)

Nyways

(1) She "should be"(means might be not) someone with guts.
(2) She "should be" able to accept people for what they are and not for what they ought to be.
(3) She should be practical, optimistic and pragmatic.
(4) She should have a striking personality.
(5) She should have a wild streak in her character.
(6) She should be ready to think out of the box and keep an open mind.
(7) She should have a lot of energy.
(8) Last but not the least an inherent capability to wake me up with out turning my mood sour :p. That would be a real tough challenge.

So, the eight bloggers who are tagged by me are:
Hey you there under the table come out. Yes come out and line up. What!!!
What did you say.
You wont. How dare you? Do you know who I am? Oh You do, I see. Is there any way I can bring you out? oh. Hmm that means these guys will have to return empty handed. Thats not nice of you guys. Really bad.

See I did All that I could but :( those names just wont come out tell me an idea to coax them out. Me ready to try it out :), Seriously.

Tired

2006-01-25T22:30:00.000+05:30

I am not a man who can write what he feels onto a sheet of paper neither a blog. The best I can do is I can present the facts. I dont have that narratorial ability which keeps the reader interested.

Yes I am Tired. No no its not the usual type. Meaning This time I am physically tired. Past one week has been, what ,more than hectic. I was onto the project. I was not eating well, sleeping well and not even thinking well. I was in a kind of haze.

What I did was simply do the stuff for my project. usuallY I dont start this early for a project.Yeah I do the literature survey but this was not usual. But Mind you I enjoyed every moment of it. I did the whole thing with Auster.

Anyway coz of my connection becoming ADL 128kbps I have not blogged much. Its because of the difficulty in opening this damn page.

I have a lot of new Ideas to share with you. I dont know whether I will. Right now I feel like sleeping for a week. The only real problem with projects is They turn you mad, well atleast almost to the edges of sanity. Where we invent new techniques which border on insanity to remain sane.

See the last sentance was a point in case of my statement that it really does drive you mad.

Anyway I hope to be back to my ol form :D. Me almost dropping to sleep. Now thats not a new thing Considering the fact that I have dropped to sleep a couple of time in teh last week :(

Failing Sanity

2006-01-12T01:44:00.000+05:30

This something some might agree on and some might not. For some I am the guy who has his head in the clouds all the time and for some others I am the most practical and ruthless guy around.

As for me I percieve only a slight difference between the two. The edge of reality and illusion is always foggy. Tread those paths lightly.

For the last four years nothing much special has been happening to me. I didnt achieve anything or rather I did lose a lot of things. Its funny that from a systematic system i came to system where the rot has set in completely. I wondered what I should do in the system.

Finding no satisfiable answer I did nothing more.

So all these past years has been about me tryin to find more of myself so that I could act better, react better. Anyway For a third person this is not much of an Achievement rather its simply a waste of time.

From that perspective, all the time Ispend on introspection should have been used for something constructive where as I hav used it only for somethings which are not good for anyone in their view.

I beg to take a different stance. I for one have known more about myself and others in the past four years than in the past eighteen years. I wont assume that mine understanding of myself is complete, rather how much I understood before is paltry when compared to the present.

On the flip side my ideas has started to grow. It has become more complex and larger. I sometimes feel suffocated by these very ideas ,which also intoxicates me. Sometimes i fear maybe I am loosing sanity. I have nothing at present which roots me to sanity.

No worldly love, except for life. When this love is also gone........

If I have to live in this society as a part , which i dearly love at present and detest too, I need to feel more passionately for people. I used to be a passionate person. I still am Passionate, But at times I feel so cold that I shiver. The cold comes from my heart, as Camus said "the Divine indifference".

I need something to root me back. I am in a desperate search for it. It might be an ambition that fires my imagination or Some person who fires my passion ( it could mean a lover or a friend. Latter might be more probable, I feel) The possiblity is thin. But we all need some hope.

If I continue I fear somewhere deep down that I might loose my sanity. When i loose that fear I will have lost my sanity.

ROFL

2006-01-09T22:59:00.000+05:30

Your Birthdate: July 10

Independent and dominant, you tend to be the alpha dog in most situations.
You're very confident, and hardly anything ever shakes you.
Mundane tasks tend to drain you - you prefer to be making great plans.
You are quite original. When people don't "get" you, it bothers you a lot.

Does It? I dont know

Your strength: Your ability to gain respect.

As for me I dont think This is the truth.

Your weakness: Caring too much what others think.

My weakness is that I dont accept my weaknesses. Get what I mean eh?
Your power color: Orange-red

Your power symbol: Letter X

Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

"The Stranger"

2006-01-08T16:33:00.000+05:30

This is a story by Camus I just read. It's been a wonderful experience. I have read many a stories but this appealed to me the most.

It has really affected me at present. Thats the only reason I am blogging.

The whole story is about a man who does thing's through logic without any pretending. And as he is devoid of these those around him cant see what he is. It was truly an experience. I had heard of this story before.

It had a feel like kafka's something not transient. Where each moment is etched to our mind. Where the working of the protagonist's mind is transparent to us. And You start to think like the character. I dont know how to put my emotions about the story exactly.

Still it was something I would ask everyone to try to read. If anyone wants it just ask me.

A Blog

2005-12-31T21:11:00.000+05:30

Expressions are important for a human, whatever he may or he may not think.

This is my form of expression. I may paint a better picture, Speak better, still this is the tool which gives me widest reach. Thats what it makes this medium particularly special. I am not exactly the only one who posts. There are so many others.

This oppurtunity to mass expression is unparalleled in history of mankind. That is truly Extraordinary.

For this thing alone I bow in front of google. All other online stuff whether it be online shopping etc was only a process simplification. Here we have a medium for expression which is truly global.

I know my blog is not read by many. It may be most probably because this looks like an ordinary blog. I dont work on the HTML code, neither do I type in coherent language usually.

Still Some do read it. It has given me a window to others thoughts, even though the window may seem narrow its still a new insight to new minds.

After the concept of newspaper I believe this is the next level. So each can voice his or her own opinion and people can chose who have better way of putting things.

This has its own limitations. Those who have inadequate language will be shunted to the back ground. Even if there ideas are great they wont be easily accepted. Maybe with audio blogging it would become better.

Wishing you all a Very Happy and Wonderful new year.

Bye

Posting?

2005-12-29T23:25:00.000+05:30

The new post is about something inherent in me. I never was good writing articles, whether it be English or anyother Language. Yes I could speak well, but had a bad case of stagefright in my school days. If someone could make me forget about myself usually by asking a question, then I 'd get the flow and carry on.

Moreover my Handwriting is one of the most terrible ones present. Each Individual letters are'nt so bad. Actually they might be even artisitic. (Yeah I do Draw) but the problem is togethor they look like complete garbage. See too much of good things is not good.

So I never attempted anything of the scale I have done with this keyboard. I do type fairly fast or atleast as fast as I can think, which is fast enough I persume. And I Have got a medium where I can get to people which formerly was limited those who might have the time and patience to listen to me.

I believe its my lack of writing in my younger days (No I am not old still, hope to get so in some 60 yrs time) which has turned this blog with lot of complex ideas into almost a craplog. Still I am proud its my crap log :D. It contains some of my original Ideas. This is because I only laze around. Yes I might one of those regular armchair theoriticians who are good at nothing.

Still who can tell whos and whos not, not me anyway. As someone said to me sometimes earlier, I have a bad habit of writing long winded sentences, whose tense changes as my whim, as if grammar is something I arbitarily decided.

I hope atleast there are some extremely intelligent people who could decipher the crap I have made out of my ideas.

Yeah its all I can do. You see I cant write better.

Gaming Me?

2005-12-27T15:01:00.000+05:30

As with every other person I too have some hobbies. Presently one I am most enchanted with is gaming particularly CS. CS expands to CounterStrike. Its a game running Half Life game engine. Its not that showy. The in game physics is almost exactly as in the real world. They have tried to make it as real as possible.

Now the part which appeals to me. Its a team game. Where Skill does play its part. I am better than average skilled player. No not exceptional at all. It gives me immense pleasure just to play it.
Even If I am being pounded by the others. I would stick on. I do not care for how many frags I have taken. It only depends on how much I am enjoying. If theres no loss or lag then everything is fine for me.

As it is I presently am good at assault and gunning. Sniping is not something I havent tried exactly till now.

Its because of the fact that its a team game that has drawn me to this game like no other. Where out of the box tactics will surely surprise the enemy. Even if hes the best. And if you are confident of taking down even the best of the opponent you have a chance of taking him down. Then it becomes a test of pure skill. Where's in the other case its about the game going on in your head. If you choose where you should fight rather than the other guy you have much better chance of winning.

Yes, lot of strategy from Sun Tzu's Art of War is actually true. Atleast in CS. Its the ingenuinity which we can try to bring to this game what makes it original and beautiful.

Questions are they?

2005-12-25T20:25:00.000+05:30

Whatever I write would be a mirage of the truth. Because I dont believe in truth. Whatever I write would be just a smoke screen to what I mean. Because Facts are difficult to discern.

Truth for me is the perception of facts by each and every individual. Facts are something we need to look at. We should make allowances to our errors. But dare we do that, accept ourselves that we can make mistakes. Never.

Isnt that why sometimes I am so full of myself. I am but a mirror. I am a mirror to you too.

All my thoughts, all my desires, all my feelings, how much of these are completely mine. I know not. Where do my discretion start or rather where does it end.

Dont my influence spread throught the world like a pebble in an ocean. And Mind you remember one tenet of Chaos Theory. That infinitesimaly small change in initial condition can bring huge difference like in turbulence.

Or they might not. Who or what needs to know that. Isnt it the feeling that we need to know that has driven humans this far. Or is this far at all? Arent we petty creatures controlled by flights of imagination.

These questions are all ................................

2005-12-23T10:30:00.000+05:30

One more test.

WHY?

2005-12-22T22:42:00.000+05:30

All most all my blogs were about my thoughts. Why? Why dont I write about my feelings.

Is it because I am afraid actually to face myself. That I might also be human. Why do I suppress my emotions and my pains so much? Why do I show such an optimistic , rose coloured view of this world? Why do I show such trust in my fellow beings when usually none does, or do I? Why do I act as if I am an extrovert when I am not one? Why do I pretend so much or is it ? Why do I have this urge to express so much?

The answers are at present beyond my reach. The feelings usually are not something you can logically explain. I have ruthlessly tried to become logical. No I am not one. Will I be? I at this juncture I dont care.

A thought.

2005-12-21T10:19:00.000+05:30

Its difficult for me to usually blog about myself, because whenever I try to write about myself or incidents I have gone through, I face a blank. I wouldnt know what to write about.

For me the below post was possible because they left vivid images in my mind. I could try to write about those images and thats what I have done.

Now on something entirely different. So many of my friends have asked me several times whats the use of being philosophical, isnt it better to be practical. I have usually answered it to the best of abilities. But Yesterday I came across some words by Russell. Its simple yet eloquent on this topic.

"Uncertainity, in the presence of vivid hopes and fears, is painful, but must be endured if we wish to live without comforting fairy tales. It is not good either to forget the questions that philosophy asks, or to persuade ourselves that we have found indubitable answers to them. To teach how to live without certainity, and yet without being paralyzed by hesitation, is perhaps the chief thing that philosophy, in our age, can still do for those who study it."

As far as I understand its a process which teaches you how to think better. For those who ask why should I think ? Presently I have no answer. It might be because of my arrogance or my ignorance, I feel they dont merit an answer.

If I learn that there could be a case that thinking isnt beneficial then I will surely think about it.

Some times I detest myself for my hugely superior feeling to fellow humans. I dont know why I feel superior, But sometimes I do. I am not better than them in anything I know. But It might have something to do with the fact that I cant accept I am yet another human. I want to engrave in my mind that I am UNIQUE.

All this blogging and all my pursuits might be part of that urge. Or it might be part of my urge to reach out to my fellow being so that I can know better. Which I dont exactly know.

Yesterday was a painful day, But it was yesterday. Yesterdays are long forgotten. Today this instant is the time in which I live. I dwelve on the future, hoping that it would be marvellous, not just better.

Blogging about my thoughts thats what I do. Blogging about my emotions, is extremely difficult to me, as it is I am usually contemplative while I write a blog. Blogging about my experiences, I usually miss out on the emotions which I underwent, which is what usually makes a blog interesting. Still I type out these nearly incoherent stream of words as a way to reach myself from my past when I am in future.

On me

2005-12-18T21:29:00.000+05:30

Yeah this is a personal blog. Which isnt usually my style.

The subject matter is entirely upon operations I have undergone. Err by the word operation I do mean the medical ones. So far I have undergone two of them. One was major. Other not so.

The first one took place when I was a kid of 3 and half years old. The funniest thing is unlike many other kids of that age. I do remember vividly a lot about the whole thing.

I am going to give an account of both these experiences.

The first one came as a severe pain in the abdomen when I was in my LKG. The school authorities there sucked. They didnt think it severe enough to inform my parents(both my parents are doctors). So when my dad came to call me up he was really angry with them. Anyway I dont know much more about what transpired between my dad and the school authorities.

As things go. The pain came usually in bouts.The pain in abdomen was so severe that I used to roll on the floor whenever the bout occured. I was really pathetic. Think about a small kid rolling because of pain. Anyways as I am an extremely spirited person it didnt dampen my spirits much Except for the pain. Between this was just one day after the school incident. I was taken to SAT Hospital for the surgery. Initially I was admitted to ICU. A date for the operation was fixed.

Then came about week. I dont exactly remember how many days I was hospitalized. Because any day was just like the next day. Only thing was I didnt like the injections that were administered to me. And I do remember one day I was extremely happy when I had to just take a pill.

Also it was the pediatric ward. There were kids all around. I was one of the kids who could bear the pain. It was a lil depressing in the hospital with all those sick kids and boring too. When my cousin bro came I was really happy. Meaning we are like bro itself so I really loved it. Then came the operation. I still remember my father taking me in his both hands and carefully carrying me to operation theatre( it was govt hospital, the reason for going there was because of personal relation with the surgeon)

I remember the cold clammy operation table and the array of instruments. Didnt feel much of a fear or anything. I thought about asking the surgeon for a pair of gloves when it was over. Then the usual lights of operation theatre shown in films where on. And I was insisted up on to sleep. Even if I didnt feel a bit sleepy I decided to humour them.

And lo when I wake up I am on a room in payward. It seems I was asleep for ten hours or more. I had that suture which every patient after operation had. I started to feel around it to check whether everything felt right. After that I dont remember much.

I think only the most vivid of images remain in the memory. As a 3&1/2 yr olds memory go it was pretty deep.

This surgery was for Indususception, where the muscles of small intestinal walls contract and get into the larger one. The contraction causes severe pain. In smaller kids it might be even fatal.

The next one was when I was in 10th standard. It was for congenital hernia. Which I still have partly.
I remember the whole experience vividly. I was 15 yrs old. So was admitted to pediatric ward. Where as it was a pediatric ward I was given at first Kids clothes to wear :D. All the while I had the feeling that I was going for an operation which would restrict for a week or so when I was feeling perfectly normal and energetic.

Here as it was not much serious, there were no last minute rushes etc. It was quite lesuirely. I went to the hospital 7 in the morning. I was given the allergy tests for the antibiotics. For this they injected a small sample onto my skin. I was very mildly allergic to the first one. So a second dose was tested ok.

Then they gave me a ointment which was very liberally put on the left hand. It was supposed to be a local anaesthetic which I later understood ( a lil painfully that is). I was then administered the antibiotic as a precaution. As they were operating upon me.

I was laid in a trolley. And taken to the theatre. It was quite a long walk .Took about five mins. I was really contemplative at that time. I vivdly remember looking at the beams in the ceiling at how it seems when you lie on a moving trolley. Meaning you never think of seeing the roof beams moving like steps in a ladder. I was even amused at my thought about these things in face of the impending operation. My mother was much more worried than I was.

Finally after reaching the operation table. I was transferred by the Doc to the operation table . This was more comfortable than the first one. I remember telling them that I could walk from the trolley to the table as I was actually perfectly fine till then. I noted the time in my mind. It was 9.05 sharp.

Then they suddenly grasped my left hand. And and and intra venal was given. Next came the oxygen mask. As far as I remember it didnt have any difference with the air I breathe. Then I was given the dose of anaesthetics. I think it was barbiturates or LSG. Both are classified as narcotics. I dont know which is the one.

Again, I refused to sleep. Meaning with all the things going on. I was observing what every one was doing. They again asked me whether I felt any sleep. I simply asked back whether they wanted me to sleep. They answered in the affirmative. I said I will try.

When I am awake I am in the corridor outside the operation theatre. I was really groggy.
I couldnt open my eyes. I remember having the knowledge what they mean by heavy eyelids. It just refuses to open. Then I was given a room.

I dont remember much about rest of the day when I slept due to the sedation. Next day i was discharged. I went to my home. Yes I could walk without any prob except a small tugging at the place of suture. I was completely mobile after a week.

Now today after coming back from aruns house on project work, my father suddenly ask me if I would have time for an op tomm. Well I check with arun whether anythign serious is there. As there was none. I tell my dad to fix it. And its fixed for tomm. I dont have a bit of worry in me and its kinda worrying me. I am even a lil excited about the whole thing.

It was really a funny experience in a way. Think about your dad coming and telling you that
tomm you are gonna have Surgery. I really laughed on that. And here I am blogging on that.

I think I will be back to my normal self in 4 days. I hope.

What more need I say.

Free Will

2005-12-17T20:59:00.000+05:30

This was something I am extremely confused about. All the while I am thinking I am for Free Will, I dont know whether I could say that there really exists any free will.

So lets approach it in a logical manner. How can we define Free Will. Free Will must mean Will of a Person which has not been influenced by another will.

Usually this refers to the blatant abuse of ones rights. But what about that abuses which are not that obvious.

There are a lot of questions in my mind.
These are the most significant of them.

Do we take into account the influences by others mind?
Do we limit this to adults only?
Do we limit it to children only?

Usually for the first question the answer that comes to mind is a certain No. This means that we the influences of another mind is not considered. But Is that case possible if another person exists. And even unconsciously he might communicate his attitude towards a particular issue or concept. This will influence the Subject person to some varying degree.

We might want to believe that we define who we are. But thats only up to an extent. Right from my first post I have discussed this. We do try to define who we are, but such a definition has certain constraints in a society. A person evaluates himself by what he feels he is capable of and a society evaluates him by what he has achieved. So in turn how the society accepts the person will have some influence on his mind. It might be negative or positive depending on the person concerned.

So its basically like a fogged mirror. To some extent you define yourself to others whereby this definition includes how others look upon you. The rest of your definition even you know would be totally in the realm of fantasy. Its like me defining I am such and such. You might believe in that but others wont. If others dont believe that its usually because they dont percieve any similarity with how you percieve yourself.

Now the question of adults. Its funny meaning whos an adult we can define it physically or mentally, but the bottomline is whos one. We might say a society might decide. But can we pinpoint or atleast point a group which comprisess this so called society? This society comprises of one and all. As we dont exactly have a common consciousness there cant be any unanimous definition. Moreover can we say at any point in time that a society is all ways right. So do we go by the majorities decision. Even a majority is controlled usually by a minority.

Adults are such an overrated term. For me it suggest something about lack of imagination and flexibility. So the question is this from what point in a persons life does a free will get significant. "If let to children(I know Ididnt define Children but as I have discussed enough about adults you can make your own opinion on this one.) in a society like ours they are sure to make unproductive demands on the societies resources which are not justifiable". This was an opinion I made. This is exactly what I meant by adult attitude that children dont know enough.

Sometimes those who are called children would supprise you by their clarity. Because they havent been influenced by all those things which usually clouds an adults will. And then again there will could be easily bend one way or other. The reason why wise words emanate from a child is because his mind is not exaclty structured the way a society structures a adults mind.

Anyway I need to say something more about Free Will.Think about all those ads targeted at kids. Do you think they wont be influenced by these brands when these kids become adults. Thats they really no longer have much of a free will. This will is usually changed by the characteristics of the society if he lives as a part of the society.

So I agree there are a lot of things on which we do still use Free will and where they are still valid, but my point is its lot more limited than what we might feel.

Cogito Ergo Sum

2005-12-15T21:59:00.000+05:30

This was a conversation between me and my cousin. It was rather good.

I thought I need to put it up here.
aravind4evry1: Cogito Ergo Sum
aravind4evry1: right
balachandran_c: i think therefore i am?
aravind4evry1: yes
aravind4evry1: Descartes
balachandran_c: i think that i think therefore i think that i am? ;)
balachandran_c: so whats up with that?
aravind4evry1: well What neitzche
aravind4evry1: view is that
aravind4evry1: Oops missed an s in neitzsche
aravind4evry1: k.
balachandran_c: k
aravind4evry1: he says that it only proves the apparent reality of thought
aravind4evry1: thats as there is thought
aravind4evry1: there exactly need not be a thinker as in Cause and effect relationship
balachandran_c: as in "i think that i think, therefore i think that i am"?
aravind4evry1: somewhat like that.
aravind4evry1: :D
balachandran_c: i didnt get you
aravind4evry1: where as Descartes was trying to prove that the thought was real.
aravind4evry1: So you were
aravind4evry1: real
aravind4evry1: getting me.
balachandran_c: what do you mean by "thinker as in cause and effect" ?
aravind4evry1: thats for a thought to occur you really need a thinker
aravind4evry1: in that order
balachandran_c: ah
balachandran_c: as far as i am concerned,
balachandran_c: they look like a closed system,
aravind4evry1: oh
balachandran_c: i do not know what a thinker is,
aravind4evry1: k.
balachandran_c: nor am i able to separate it from thought.
aravind4evry1: ok.
balachandran_c: maybe i could find a "thinker and thought" in a computer network.
aravind4evry1: yes
aravind4evry1: you might
aravind4evry1: will be back in a min.
balachandran_c: k
aravind4evry1: k.
aravind4evry1: Just reread it once more
balachandran_c: hmm
aravind4evry1: and what the guy is taking pains to say is that
aravind4evry1: linking doer to the effect
aravind4evry1: is just one persepective or one way to look at things.
balachandran_c: hmm
aravind4evry1: So we cant for absolute certainity say that
aravind4evry1: causality exist always
balachandran_c: absolutely not.
aravind4evry1: meaning
balachandran_c: personally, i feel that a lot of problems disappear when we view "I" as an effect.
aravind4evry1: kk.
balachandran_c: effect as in corollary.
aravind4evry1: I get it.
aravind4evry1: But if you say I as an effect you should be meaning the conscience as the cause
aravind4evry1: eh
aravind4evry1: ?
balachandran_c: i am unable to put "I" above what "I" think.
aravind4evry1: "I" agree
balachandran_c: they are at the same level in the hierarchy.
aravind4evry1: That amount of subjectivity usually remains.
balachandran_c: no i am not talking about conscience,
aravind4evry1: hmm.
balachandran_c: i was talking about a physical phenomenon.
aravind4evry1: But My question is if I is the effect as you said
aravind4evry1: then
aravind4evry1: ?
balachandran_c: or a physical system. like a computer network.
balachandran_c: as a result of the systems working, (purely according to laws of physics), an "I" could be formed as a result.
aravind4evry1: hmm.
aravind4evry1: Well if you can form I as a result of a system
balachandran_c: this "I" does not control the physical system at any point of time.
aravind4evry1: Got that point
aravind4evry1: I is the product of the system.
aravind4evry1: thats what I understood from you
balachandran_c: yup
aravind4evry1: k.
aravind4evry1: then could it be or could it not be the same case with
aravind4evry1: Thought
aravind4evry1: thats thought as a product of a system.
balachandran_c: thought is not separable from "i"
aravind4evry1: Well isnt that just empirical
aravind4evry1: I dont feel its conclusive in the sense.
balachandran_c: we are artificially splitting the effect into two parts, "I" and its "thoughts"
aravind4evry1: What I understand is that
aravind4evry1: Our system makes a correlation between the outcome thought and "I"
aravind4evry1: and outcome "I" i menat
aravind4evry1: so that actually what we see as the result of I is actually the result of the self same systems whos outcome is the 'I" of it.
balachandran_c: i lost you completely.
aravind4evry1: meaning the I and the thoughts are the product of the single same sytem
aravind4evry1: k.
aravind4evry1: and the system
aravind4evry1: connects or correltes these
aravind4evry1: output
aravind4evry1: *corelates these outputs.
aravind4evry1: couldnt that be possible
balachandran_c: then it looks like your "system" is capable of perceiving things, and correlating them.
balachandran_c: in the model that i was trying to explain,
balachandran_c: i use the word "system" for the physical system,
aravind4evry1: Well I agree in one thing Correlate is not exactly the word I am looking for
aravind4evry1: hmm.
balachandran_c: with particular properties. there is no "thought" "intelligence" "conscience" or whatever at that layer.
aravind4evry1: k.
balachandran_c: now, the "intelligence" is in the patterns in functioning of the system.
aravind4evry1: then whats on top of this layer
aravind4evry1: oh.
aravind4evry1: But the prob is
balachandran_c: yes,
aravind4evry1: here are you meaning that basically intelligence is pattern matching
aravind4evry1: and synthesis
balachandran_c: no, i am saying that "intelligence" or the "mind" IS a pattern.
balachandran_c: i take a few neurons and connect them,
aravind4evry1: k.
balachandran_c: they fire forming certain patterns in firing.
aravind4evry1: but intelligence as a pattern
balachandran_c: this pattern IS the intelligence.
aravind4evry1: k.
aravind4evry1: now I get it.
aravind4evry1: Now I get what you mean
aravind4evry1: but still something remains to be questioned
balachandran_c: this pattern thinks that it thinks,
aravind4evry1: Then what exactly
aravind4evry1: is intelligence as you percieve it
balachandran_c: actually, the problem is, i used the word "intelligence" in the sense that it denotes something encompassing an "I"
aravind4evry1: I know this prob you are referring to
balachandran_c: not in the sense that mr.x is more intelligent than animal y.
aravind4evry1: k.
aravind4evry1: Agreed
balachandran_c: but in my model this intelligence (in the second sense) is a property of the physical system,
aravind4evry1: as its actually the pattern
aravind4evry1: right
balachandran_c: certain properties of the pattern,
aravind4evry1: k
aravind4evry1: Next question
balachandran_c: like being able to "learn" other patterns.
aravind4evry1: Meaning for there to be a pattern
aravind4evry1: what is necessary
balachandran_c: here "learn" in the sense of learning theory,
aravind4evry1: I get it.
balachandran_c: not that there is a "learning mind" or anything
aravind4evry1: no
aravind4evry1: My question is whats the pattern
aravind4evry1: Meaning pattern is something
balachandran_c: could you explain your question?
aravind4evry1: subjective as
aravind4evry1: because
balachandran_c: no, i am talking about objective patterns.
aravind4evry1: Objective patterns as in.
balachandran_c: certain correlations between events.
balachandran_c: events are multidimensional objects,
aravind4evry1: agreed
balachandran_c: like neurons * time * position
aravind4evry1: k.
aravind4evry1: but then who/what determines the correlation.
balachandran_c: or whatever
balachandran_c: there need not be anyone to determine correlation.
balachandran_c: to be clear which patterns are you talking about now?
aravind4evry1: My whole point is even time and position are relative
balachandran_c: ya,
aravind4evry1: So how can we say anything about its objective nature.
balachandran_c: i think we are talking about patterns at different levels.
aravind4evry1: hmm.
aravind4evry1: K.
balachandran_c: as far as the physical system related to me is concerned,
aravind4evry1: tell me about what you are referring to as pattern
balachandran_c: the patterns are in firing of neurons,
aravind4evry1: k
aravind4evry1: k
balachandran_c: there is nothing subjective about that.
aravind4evry1: k
aravind4evry1: Now I get it.
balachandran_c: as far as what "I" the mind sees,
aravind4evry1: better word would be percieve
balachandran_c: it sees patterns everywhere,
aravind4evry1: from its sensa
balachandran_c: in which case, it is a subjective interpretation of external objective events.
aravind4evry1: but when the "I"
aravind4evry1: gets in
balachandran_c: these are two different patterns we are talking about.
aravind4evry1: It automatically becomes
aravind4evry1: subjective
balachandran_c: not to be mixed up.
balachandran_c: which patterns are you talking about now?
aravind4evry1: my point is When I gets in the supposedly objective pattern
aravind4evry1: becomes subjective
balachandran_c: could you explain your question from this view?
balachandran_c: i didnt get you.,
aravind4evry1: k
aravind4evry1: I will try.
aravind4evry1: the pattern is as in the firing of neurons.
aravind4evry1: its pattern inherent in that system
aravind4evry1: k.
balachandran_c: k, now we are talking about the patterns constituting "I", right?
aravind4evry1: yes
balachandran_c: k, go ahead
aravind4evry1: when the case of I comes in
aravind4evry1: Doesnt it automatically take it to the realm of subjectivity
balachandran_c: "I" cannot come into the physical layer.
balachandran_c: which is my whole point.
aravind4evry1: k.
aravind4evry1: Then
aravind4evry1: what are thoughts
balachandran_c: "I" is a pattern in this physical layer.
aravind4evry1: Understood
balachandran_c: thoughts are part of this "I" that i am talking about.
balachandran_c: they are not different.
aravind4evry1: hmm.
balachandran_c: i have no reason to believe that there exists a separate entity called an "I" and another called "I"'s thoughts on this system.
aravind4evry1: you are saying that
aravind4evry1: mind, thought, I
aravind4evry1: these are all same entities?
balachandran_c: my following sentence is not accurate, but i will try.
aravind4evry1: k
aravind4evry1: I can understand the prob :D
balachandran_c: "I" as separate from its "thoughts" is more like an illusion.
aravind4evry1: hmm.
aravind4evry1: Well :D
balachandran_c: the "I" cannot really separate itself from its thoughts if it didnt have different words for it.
aravind4evry1: so you mean thoughts and I are the same thing.
balachandran_c: i can tell the difference between an apple and an orange, even if i didnt have words for them.
aravind4evry1: or like a fuzzy thing
aravind4evry1: thats why I asked Fuzzy meaning
balachandran_c: hmm, think of it like this,
aravind4evry1: something like a paradox
balachandran_c: i have a torch, with something in front of it, which throws patterns on the walls.
balachandran_c: say i hold the cutout of a man in front of the torch,
aravind4evry1: k
balachandran_c: and a shadow of this person is formed on the wall.
balachandran_c: now according to me,
aravind4evry1: hmm.
balachandran_c: the physical layer is the torch+cutout system,
balachandran_c: the I+thought is the shadow on the wall.
aravind4evry1: you mean the projection of the physical self in the mindspace
balachandran_c: it is as if, this shadow calls itself "I",
aravind4evry1: where this mindspace projection denotes the I and the thoughts
aravind4evry1: k
balachandran_c: more like the shadow is a property of the physical system.
aravind4evry1: Yes thats what
balachandran_c: now, this shadow can its "hands" or "legs" or whatever,
aravind4evry1: ok.
balachandran_c: and starts calling these parts as different from itself.
aravind4evry1: I get it
aravind4evry1: Suddenly something struck me as
aravind4evry1: The supposed I
balachandran_c: this part is my thoughts
balachandran_c: that part is my feelings
aravind4evry1: k.
aravind4evry1: and thoughts are the projection of the self into the wall
aravind4evry1: where the wall is the mind
balachandran_c: so as far as i am concerned, this "I", "thoughts" and "feelings" are all subjective things within the shadow, you have to be the shadow to make sense of it.
aravind4evry1: k
aravind4evry1: Understood that completely.
balachandran_c: for me it is just one phenomenon.
balachandran_c: maybe you could understand the shadow without being the shadow,
balachandran_c: if you were a shadow like yourself,
balachandran_c: *if you were a shadow yourself,
balachandran_c: and shared the same set of beliefs or language or whatever
aravind4evry1: I get it
aravind4evry1: thought and I are not entirely different
aravind4evry1: as you have said.
balachandran_c: ya
aravind4evry1: but then thought is not a product or effect of the I
balachandran_c: once we see this i+thoughts+feelings+whatever as an *effect*, many problems go away!
balachandran_c: ya, i agree.
aravind4evry1: the existance of Thought only really means that the particular
aravind4evry1: physical system exists
aravind4evry1: right
aravind4evry1: and inturn
aravind4evry1: as this sytems another property
aravind4evry1: is I
balachandran_c: it is not a product because, i donot have a mechanism to separate the two.
aravind4evry1: this I Exist
balachandran_c: nor does separating them make any sense.
aravind4evry1: no My point is simply that
aravind4evry1: both the thoughts and I maynot be what we percieve
balachandran_c: the simple shortest solution to this "problem" is to take the word "thought" as distinct from a sentient entity is taken away from our language.
aravind4evry1: k.
aravind4evry1: :D
aravind4evry1: I got to go
balachandran_c: sure, bye

I can think of none

2005-12-13T20:35:00.000+05:30

Here I am in front of my computer. As someone said to me, I say things the best when I have nothing to say. My mind is blank. Or is it exactly blank. Thats an analysis which is extremely difficult to make because I cant say whether I am thinking or not. If you think about it you will know the why of it.

As I have done numerous times earlier I could take some topic for this blog and write about it. What it will do is one or two of the guys who read this will unde3rstand and the rest will spit it out.
So do I write for the public or the select few. I might otherwise write a seemingly understandable passage which will have certain memes which only those who need to understand will understand. It takes time and skill, neither of which I have.

Anyhow Whatever I do, Whatever I think might have an underlying pattern in it. It is to express my SELF. Yes thats this all about THE expression of self. It is one of the most important things a person needs to do in a society. Some do it by speech, conversation, paintings, sculpting.

The expression is not supposed to be meaningful for others. For the creator its all about the self. If done in true sense of creation.

Again Some more stupid tests.

2005-12-12T19:14:00.000+05:30

Dont be blown away by them. They have no relation whatsoever to me, I feel. Maybe I am wrong who knows.

This is how they say my blog should be

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.
You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.
You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

About How scary I am. Well Someone called me a Scary Philosopher Sometime back :D

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

How Scary Are You?

The most funny of them all what kind of a seducer I am. ROFL

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Well what I am supposed to be.

You Should Get a PhD in Science (like chemistry, math, or engineering)

You're both smart and innovative when it comes to ideas.
Maybe you'll find a cure for cancer - or develop the latest underground drug.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

The Haze

2005-12-09T19:15:00.000+05:30

Was under a gaming haze for a certain period of time. The haze has lifted off completely. I am good as new.

So what made me get outta haze was a really long sleep. For about 14 hrs.

Usually when I am extremely sad or extremely pessimistic. I take a sleep for quite sometime. Because I know that when I wake up I can take a new view to the problem. Which will be a better one. Its like rebooting a stuck PC.

Usually I try to be as slim as possible even after taking large qty of food. But past few days I have put on a few Kilos I think. Ofcourse nothing much perceptible to anyone execpt me. Gotta reduce the flab a bit.

Got up just now. So felt like blogging and here it is.

Blog test for the heckof it.

2005-12-08T10:43:00.000+05:30

I really dont know whether these represent me. Still

Your Eyes Should Be Hazel

Your eyes reflect: Intellect and sensuality

What's hidden behind your eyes: Subtle manipulation

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Options

2005-12-05T00:19:00.000+05:30

Well there are a lot of options in ones life. They a successful life is about choosing the best option.

There are a lot of options before me which I have felt in some point in my life as best for me.
I am giving them in a totally random order.

Theoretical Physicist. I do love the underlying concepts of fundamental theories and more advanced theories. Used to know a lot about it. But forgot a lot of details. Still remembers the basic Ideas I hope.

Particle Physicist Well its a bit different from the theoritical physicist in the sense that hes the guy who does the experiments. Whos trying to find more about matter and substance. Yes its actually trying to understand the matter of matter.

Painter. I do paint. I dont paint for someone else. This means that whatever painting I might do will be because I like to do that and for my own satisfaction. And most of them are abstract. I like to draw fluid curves and the pattern that emerges from within.

Rock Music. Well this is an extremely distant possiblity. with the kind of voice I have I do stand a pretty good chance for rock music more than anything else. Mind you in carnatic I would really be horrible

Driver. Funny ,the feeling I sometimes have is that, if I have a steering wheel and a road in front of me, I am at peace. Ofcourse I should be able to move forward. Just that. An offshoot might be I becoming a racer which I dont think would have a chance of happening. I am good not that good most probably.

CS Pro. This one has a fair enough chance of happening. In another five years. I could be up there. OH yeah I am day dreaming. Still pretty good at it.

Hermit. Yeah to leave everything and go someplace live the whole life by myself. Have thought about this option. The only reason i didnt go is that I like to be with people.

Social Worker. Possible but not probable. Meaning I like to help. But mostly those who try to help themselves. If the person doesnt have the fighting attitude he might not get my respect. OH I will still help him. But only to an extent. Might think about TSS.

The MBA Guy. Theres a distinct probability. Having written CAT and all. Dont know whether I will go. Most probably will be a HR guy. Still might become a Marketing guy too. Still theres a chance I might go to Banking sector. Thats the most challenging sector in MBA

Entrepreneur Might be part of a startup. Might be ofcourse. Dont know for sure. I do have some ideas with a lot of potential. Yes I am making a sales pitch even here.

Infosys. Dont know if nothing else turns up Might go for this. I dont fear work. I like challenges. If they can provide that I might stick around. But I wont quit because I cant cope. I believe I have in it me to handle stress.

GRE. Then The MS/PHd Guy: Havent written it yet. If I write it and get a reasonable score should go for that. On the flip side If I go for that you can be sure that I will have my nose buried in that for the rest of my life. Oh well thats not a prob.

Robotics. It might be what I would like to master in. If I can. Or If its AI still better.

Could be a carpenter, I liked it very much at our workshop sections. I liked Smithy too.

Writer. Most probably a critique writer. Dont know whether I have the passion for words. Yes I have the passion for the spoken word. But thats not the same as the other case. Is It?

Oops that might cover the entire spectrum almost that is.

What I will choose will depend on a strictly random decision. Now I am unbiased. Might be more than one also. Who knows how everything will turn out or even whether it will turn.

2005-12-03T22:00:00.000+05:30

This post is about human. I have deep respect for the capabilities and possiblities of a human. I certainly do believe in the essential goodness of human beings.

For me eveyone has the ability or the potential. Maynot be in the same quantity but then again how do you quantify potential. As we are all of the same species we would have almost same brain capacity as in case of neurons and other pathways.

Only the differences are the subtle differences in environment and that in our basic genetically structure. I know that personality of a person can change a damn big lot. Its ofcourse the change due to the environment. It can be because of living with a person with a strong Personality where he rubs off his character onto you. Or it can be a general change in the atmosphere. As far as I am concerned I am a natural extrovert. This is the view of my parents and relatives. The fact is thanks to my schooling This part of my character was so subdued that I might have been mistaken to be a introvert. Ofcourse not to my friends but to those who didnt know.

After coming to college I have slowly changed my character. Because I have started to think about how people think and supprisingly my insight to others characters I feel are accurate enough. I have a probability based approach to human behaviour. This is something akin to what Russell felt.

So I cant ever say for sure that I would do this or do that. I really dont know what I would do. I might be able to predict to a reasonable degree of accuracy if the whole situtation is known. Only good part is when I need to take a decision I take it without any emotional tuggings, usually that is. Duttan used to call me a vulcan I dont know much about that except that they arent supposed to have any emotions.

Only other day did I say to a friend of mine that my behaviour usually oscillates between the excitable and the contemplative. So one minute I will be all gung ho and next I could be quietly thinking about anything under the sun or even above.

Yes theres no much limit to thought. I hate conservative thought not conservative people. All individuals have some positives. The least of it being they are human being. None in this world does anything knowing its entirely wrong. His point would be the gain he garners is more than the lose that was caused.

I am getting bored by my own drivel. The post is coming to an END.

About being the good guy.

2005-11-30T13:06:00.000+05:30

OH have been tagged by Kickassso.

ITs about being goody two shoes as all are expected to be in my society.

10. Thou shall study your lessons daily and go to the best tuition centre in the town.
9. Thou shall listen to melodious Mallu and Hindi music. Your taste may go up to the extent of listening to pop songs like that of Westlife, BSB etc and like the songs liked by your peers. Hardrock and Metal are strict no-nos.
8. Thou shall see good mallu movies and hindi movies. Only the hyped up english movies shall be seen.
7. Sports and games are essential only in theory. Thou shall take part in it at your free time and your vacation.
6. Reading is a good habit. Only if you score a lot of marks in your studies and you have set aside some time for reading. Thou shall read only goody goody books or the hyped books in the media like Harry Potter.
5. Thou shall respect your teachers and follow every word they say and write notes and complete your assignments before everybody else.
4. Thou shall not swear and berate others. No drinking and smoking.
3. Thou shall follow your parents wishes and their fantasies.Thou shall study hard and score 90+ in Xth, 85+ in XIIth and 80+ for graduation.
2. Your aim should be to do well in entrance exams and get into Medical College or CET. Then the ultimate aim should be to get through your campus placements and secure a job. Write CAT as part of a fad.
1. Thou shall not fall in love. If you do make sure the girl is your caste, not poor etc. Marry a girl of the parents' choosing and have kids. Then the raise the kids on the above principles.

Well as for me those who know will know that I wouldnt satisfy even one of these conditions.

1. I dont study even once in a week, forget daily studies. As for tuitions gave it up after S12 hate tuitions esp for professional course.
2.Dont hear much of the so called melodious music and My favourite kinda music is exactly outside the genre stated above. Rammstein, Metallica and Carnatic.
3. I am not into movies. Esp the drama kind. Dont like Hindi Films that much except for the oomph factor :D oh between nothing more to it than that.
4.Plays CS in the night of University exams.How about that for an answer. Sometimes may become CS Pro :D.
5. Reading is a big weakness, only prob is the so called stuff I need to study for exams I see only on the morning of Exams. It does suffice for my aspirations.
6. On teachers its like this the main lot which pass of as teachers these days, I have no respect at all. But yes Even in our college there are Some teachers who does have the necessary qualities of a teacher. This does not mean I dont respect them as individual. Its just about they being teachers.
7. When with my friends I swear a damn big lot. About berating others well I dont usually do that. About the drinking or smoking. Never will do that, I hope. I care about fitness a lot.
8. Parents wishes about me remains usually just that. There wishes. But They do respect me as an individual. I am in no small measure proud about that.
9. Well as for entrance exams did care about IIT at a time long back. But never cared for Kerala Entrance. Does not still.As for CET, well I had the chance to be there, Wanted EC badly =)) so here in SCT. Did get a placement. But job is never any aim of mine. Didnt write CAT as part of fad. I wrote it semi picnic as Bleak said.
10. Oh I dont know, If I fall in love You can be sure I would'nt care about any so called restrictions any one imposes on me. I wouldnt even care. As for raising kids. I believe an individual needs space to evolve. My father took pains to give me that. So I expect to do better IF I can .

Ah just a thought If My father took this test.
I havent said this anywhere earlier. My father does have a strong personality. It has rubbed on to me a lil. Hes charismatic too. The way I think in no small measure has been influenced by him. His only problem with me is that I lack the drive or initiative for anything. In plain language I being Lazy. Got to accept that, I am typing this out at the day before my exams. Theres not even one day left. COOL.

PS: There would be a lot typo errosr. oops I dont have time to correct. I am typing as it comes to my mind.

Check this out.

2005-11-18T16:19:00.000+05:30

Well the project time is here again. Last time we formed a group to do what we imagined and we did do that. It was a terrific experience for us all. When I say We its me, auster, Arun. WE really rocked as a team.
YES now we are back and ye all hear we are gonna rock. Oh yes I am really sure that this time we will pull off something that others cant start to imagine. Yes we make an almost perfect team. I am saying almost perfect because I never believe anyone can touch perfection.

This time around we are gonna realize our dream when we started our miniproject. To each of us the project means different things but our goals are one and the same. And when atlast we have created the thing as we wanted it to. We just feel that we are on top of the world because we would have created what we dreamed.

Last time around we knew next to nothing on how to approach this thing this time around we know the way only the complexity of the project has increased, what five fold or so. Mind you even our so called miniproject was a big one by any standards.

Yes I am extremely happy to have a team thats this motivated and capable.

OOH Man I just love it.

This is an exceptionally long blog.

2005-11-14T21:31:00.000+05:30

CAUTION: You Are about to read a long blog. It might Bore you.

I feel lonely. Yes this is a topic I have discussed before still this is a feeling I cant get out of my system. What is the source of such a feeling I know not.

As a child I was very naughty, over enthusiastic, excitable and terribly restless. Used to clown around all day. Even now with my friends and every one I keep on clowning. Most probably because I dont care what others think of me that much. I think, maybe I am entirely wrong, not many have understood the way I see things. Why I see them as such. But Am I that different from others maybe not. Everyone feels that he is different and yes, everyone is different in one way or the other.

This loneliness is due to the fact that only two or three people in this whole world I know can I talk to without inhibition of my ideas. Why is it, because I fear to hurt people with my ideas. Yes thats possible and it could hurt deep, very deep because usually my ideas are about things we all take granted in our life. Usually I know how people think. I have somewhat a rational mind.

But still I am very excitable especially at the start of a new idea. But Unless I literally
speak out these ideas they wont crystallize. To just say these things out loud needs better understanding of the concepts involved. And thus gives me a lot of intellectual satisfaction which I have found so exhilarating.

In my school days I used to talk my ideas to Santhosh. Only he could Understand and we used to have dialogues and arguments. Yes these arguments were actually discussion when one of us was convinvced we conceded. It was really active time for me. But after getting into college we were a lil constrained for the time. I could not find another person anywhere near his calibere in our college. Maybe It is because I didnt try hard enough, maybe because the situation hasnt arisen yet. Still this has contributed in no small measure in my feeling of being lonely. As for friends, I have a lot of friends whom I love and care about. And I know I can depend on my life on them. Yes I am lucky in that sense that I have a lot of good friends who stands by me come whatever may.

This is not about that, yes when I am with them I am the rashest, loudest and usually try to enjoy the most. Most of my inhibitions are shed. Yes I become part of it. And I can guarantee that it feels really good to be part of something more than oneself. That is what loneliness is all about.

Sometimes it could be because I feel pity to lot of my friends. The way they behave, oh yes not only friends all people. I have a huge superiority complex. Maybe I am entitled to it or maybe not at all. But whatever it be I do feel that because I am more rational than many around or some insatiable feeling of being important. No its not about importance because I really dont give a damn about how people think about me. I really do believe a lot in free will. Its actually a funny line. Is any will free? Maybe not, still I believe its about not trying to enforce your mind onto others. Ah now I get it I feel this superior to others because I dont give a damn about most things in life.

That brings me to the most pertinent question what is that I really give a damn about. Well I have really speaking two modes of operation that is the analytical/Philosophical one and the action/Practical mode. Yes these two are interconnected but there are certain points of difference. In the first mode the answer would be I dont really give a damn about anything including damn. And in the second mode I really only care about my comfort. I am entirely selfish. (Understand if the society as it stands is not there I will not be comfortable, If due to my action someone gets hurt and I care about it then I might not be comfortable). Yes its all a question of selfish interest.

Someother times seeing the humans(yes viewing them objectively) gives me a lot of joy. It gives me a special joy in how there mind works. Simply said IT IS BEAUTIFUL. Yes maybe its because of this I have started to read more on psychology and philosophy. It represents the paths or methods by which we could approach human mind. The funny thing about it all is I started reading about this to find more on AI. I was always intrigued about the AI methods. I am not a person who believes that algorithmic approach can reach the kind of flexibility the real world systems should posses. For me I believed that they needed more of a probabilistic approach. The funny thing is its almost the same thing that russell proposed very much earlier at around 1920's or something. I dont mean that I found something that was not there. Russell was original I had a lot of help of atleast 80 years of more additional informatin into this world.

Now Its all about behaviour and behaviour pattern. Its just pattern recog. Yes thats one of the most difficult things to do if not for us humans. The question of pattern recog came to my mind first when I started driving. its in traffic that we see that humans as group without any synchronizing pulse or any such signals have fairly consistent behaviour and whats more funny we can categorize the behaviour into young and old, male and female etc. This opened mind to so many things.

Nowadays I almost discuss these kind of things through my blog only. Ofcourse most people who might read this blog wont care a shit about these and thats not their problem It might most proabably be my problem. Here I am actually carrying a dialogue. Which means that I am talking with my previous statement. So I can take very many different stand points. Yes this has in some respect resulted in me thinking more.

But this has a very big limitation, however much I wish it to be I cant shed my inhibitions wholely. This might be because If I say somethings I see as unemotional facts others wont be able to see it as that. According to me its the problem of there perception or its problem of mine. Whatever it is as an individual we all think that we are right. Yes we can operate only from that assumption otherwise there will simply be no kind of activity taking place. Thats what i want to avoid.

Oh i forgot to say I take laziness to new peaks. It is just that there are not many things that drive me. I used to want to prove myself. But after I understood I completely lost interest because others whatever they think are their thought I wouldnt like to influence it. So according t some I am really drifting aimless in this world. Or Am I. Doesnt me have more concrete aim than all those peopl around me. Well whatever said than done writing this has resulted in me telling to myself what exactly my problem

Uh Oh

2005-11-02T23:38:00.000+05:30

Well was that a brief hiatus or a long one. What ever it was it was the time when my computer was extremely unstable. Ofcourse that might have added to the factors that resulted in me not blogging or onto the net for quiet sometime. Anyways as it is I am somehow back on to this PC try to scribble something thats coming to my mind.

Oh no, not again. Yes thats exactly what happened as it always happens with thoughts. They flutter. They are not those agreeable lot which allows them to be pinned down in some distant corner of a paper or even a PC. They need all the mind space they can muster. Hmm Is this some essay on our mind or thought. Nah its just me rambling as someone has aptly put my blog to be so.
So we will try to differentiate btw whats rambling and something quiete close to that mumbles.

Some one whos is not so aggressive mumbles and someone whos agressive rambles. Does that mean I am agressive. Well if its about ideas I have to say that actually I am a bit aggressive.

Leave all that.

What I was try to tell was about the good thing about the ability to forget. Its also could be called selective memory. Now thats a nice way for a person who selectively remembers only when to eat or sleep. Well done. Any way whats the Advantage of this particular system of memory retention in the head. Well all said and done as you dont remember much your tensions are that much reduced. This wont apply to that type of humans who worry about if they are forgetting something. We have just accepted the fact that we are forgetting everything and moving forward that way its easy for us in the long run. Only prob with the above approach most of us wont remember that we are forgetful. So we will surely agree to any work or help anybody asks us to do and promptly forgets it. So no tension of the work that was not done getting me. Then we dont have the memory to remember how a person acted on us. So we are always the optimistic lot. We will always think that everybody loves us. Even if nothing could be farther from truth than that.
On the flip side we tend to do a lot of priotizing of our work at the last min. Meaning we dont do the work we just dump it in someplace else. Oh we might need to get tensed for a really short period of time like maybe five mins or something when somebody grills us. Getting me its actually fun if you can look at it the right angle. The usual comment on our lot is that we dont take life seriously, thats its all just a joke to us. Well there are some of us who would agree with that because if you got the right attitude then you can think of anything as a joke, atleast almost.
And then there are some ppl who takes life seriously but just that they forgets about taking it seriously. But never make the mistake that forgetful people are stupid. Its just that they have that much more mindscape to think on things that amuse or entertain or irritate them.

this is what they say I am.

2005-10-19T19:54:00.000+05:30

You scored as Materialist. Materialism stresses the essence of fundamental particles. Everything that exists is purely physical matter and there is no special force that holds life together. You believe that anything can be explained by breaking it up into its pieces. i.e. the big picture can be understood by its smaller elements.

Materialist

100%

Postmodernist

94%

Modernist

81%

Existentialist

75%

Cultural Creative

69%

Romanticist

50%

Idealist

25%

Fundamentalist

25%

What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com

Fact is I dont entirely agree the materialistic view. I am cross between what might be existentialist and Nihilist. That is nothing and everything is significant.

Knowledge and Money.

2005-10-12T23:38:00.000+05:30

Knowledge and money is not that different. For those guys in search of knowledge its intoxicating similar is the case for those who go behind money. In all ages knowledge could be transacted to money given certain devices ( these devices may be social in nature) and viceversa.

Knowledge is about your mental resources and Money is about your physical resources per se.
Ofcourse its a bit different now because this division is being becoming more and more irrelavant.
But all will agree that both are about resources available.

Yes this is just affirming the fact that knowledge and money are forms of power in this new world for those who knows to use it. It is like this even if you have physical power you need to have the best technique to use it to be most effective.

So here comes the third of these things. Technique. The how of it.

All said and done both pursuits are not much different. Only difference is in the people who percieve it as a resource.

Confident

2005-10-07T19:30:00.000+05:30

Some say I am cocky, some say I am confident, some say I am extremely optimistic, and there are others who say I am overconfident to the core. Some say I am too optimistic to be in sync with reality. Why am I like this. Maybe because I believe in people around me may be because I believe in my abilities, maybe because I dont know how to doubt, maybe because I believe there is nothing called failure.

I have the confidence to say that I can study almost anything given the time and resources. Well also I willing to put in the effort . Be it be Particle physics or Humanities. Actually I like both those subjects. I like to know more about everything but when it no longer holds any mystery to me the interest in it diminishes. Still the beauty of the original Idea lingers in my mind. I believe that I have the ability whether it be to learn electronics or be it some dance form.

This is because of my dad who taught me that if I put the required effort anything can be conquered but he also did teach me that no one absolutely no one can learn about everything in this world. But did I learn I dont think so. Because Still I would like to learn as much about everything as possible. Do note that when I mean to learn it is not to mug up it is to understand what it means to be.

Well actually there is one thing where I am not confident about its is Singing. I know that I have a voice which is better suited elsewhere. For that matter I might be able to render some of the songs of some heavy metal bands like Rammstein.

So does this mean that I dont doubt the self. Yes I do. I do it everytime. But Everytime I doubt myself I tell myself there is no point in doubting either I will do it or I wont then aint it better to think that I will do it. Yes even in this conditions I do think it through that is what I will do if I cant get it done. So I will know exactly what to do if I am faced with a situation and the good part is nowadays It doesnt take much time to think a situation through and take some decision if none others are involved.
So on such a confident note I am coming to the end of my 100th blog.

Philosophy

2005-09-25T18:25:00.000+05:30

Most of the time what I write is passed of as philosophy. And sadly this is because people dont know whats exactly is philosophy.

Philosophy, Psychology, Logic, Rationalism these all are related but not the same.

According to wiki philosophy is "Philosophy is a discipline or field of study involving the investigation, analysis, and development of ideas at a general, abstract, or fundamental level. It is the discipline in search for a general understanding of values and reality by chiefly speculative rather than observational means". The word philosophy means love of wisdom.

Where as psychology deals exclusively with mind, thought , behaviour and there nuerological basis. Mind is philosophy is a product of mind. But that doesnt mean you will study philosophy for psychology. But you will study that part of philosophy or you should that pertains to ones mind. Philosophy as a field is a vast area. There is some arguments which say that its about how we live thus unique to each individual.

LOGIC and Rationalism are supposed to be branches of philosophy itself. The word logic means only that its a word. Its supposed to stand for thought and reason.There is a lot of differing opinion on this subject. Usually a logical approach consist of going through all the required steps in the thinking process so that you wont take any thing for granted. Where you will go through all the steps. Yes its supposed to be a rigourous process and does take a lot of time. Because while advancing in each stage we are supposed to think about every aspect of the problem. So usually what happens is people of same school of thought try to advance this field by a concerted effort. Just as in other areas of knowledge and experience.

Rationalism is simply thought based on facts and reasons. So you take the fact and put a reason to get the result as simple as that. Not at all complicated. You are using logical thinking here to put the result. In reality you are not supposed to take anything for granted as in logic but nobody really wants to reinvent the wheel. And there are effective methods to check whether our assumptions are right or wrong.

What all this means to a common man is if you are aware more about these things your horizon of the thoughts expands to levels which you never thought existed. If you think more about these it will explode. You will be changed. You will be better equipped to live in this world. You will have necessary tools at your disposal to face the challenges that are thrown to you. Its is not about saying something is absolute it is just about what is optimal.

That Seven Things

2005-09-20T20:17:00.000+05:30

Seven things you plan to do before you die

1. Live
2. Create a blue print of my plans if any before executing.
3. Tell you all about my plans by this blog.
4. Never Plan for any of my meals just have them.
5. Do Plan for the Extra snacks and coffee.
6. Travel a damn big lot.
7. Have my last breath. :D

Seven Things You can do

1. Forget everything just like that.
2. Talk with one and all and make them mad with my Ideas
3.Play Counterstrike
4. Be awake for almost as long as I want or at the very least go on working if I want with just 1-2hrs sleep a day.
5. Sleep throughout as long as the bed is not too warm.
6. Eat a lot of food for a person of my size and shape.
7. Write blogs about which others have no idea what so ever and wont get any idea about.

Seven things you can't do

1. Cant say I cant do anything.
2. Cant say I will do anything NOW.
3. Cant believe in GOD.
4. Cant believe in Politicians.
5. Cant be anyone's Pet (you could try you know)
6. Cant Stand soap opera
7. Cant be satisfied even if I am supposed to be.

Seven things That attract you to opposite sex

1. Practical
2. Energetic
3. Strenght of personality
4. Open minded
5. Playful
6. Strong affinity to long sharp noses :p.
7. Oh no didnt I say she need to be beautiful
(Ofcourse The beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Yep some do say my eyes are beautiful. )

Seven things you say the most

1. Oh
2. Hmm.
3. Ok
4. What?
5. ***** ( every one is entitled to call others their share of words)
6. you know
7. Aha

Seven Celebrity crushes
Well not really any crushes still will give some names

1. Monica Bellucci
2. Yana Gupta
3. Katrina Kaif
4. Laetitia Casta
5. Helen Hunt
6. Meg Ryan
7. Jamie Lee Curtis

Seven people I were Supposed to tag but none

Instead seven reasons for not tagging

1. I was tagged by the person who I was supposed to tag
2. Govind was tagged by the same person
3. Auster was tagged by the same person
4. I am bored
5. I am sleepy
6. Reason No Six has been removed by the author.
7. Its Five in the morn and I didnt get any shut eye

Yup thats it. I have tried not to be as realistic as possible. Still you might come in sight of reality. DO forgive for that errors.

Lonely

2005-09-18T09:03:00.000+05:30

Yes I am extremely lonely. It is not at all because of my friends. I have a lot of friends who care a great deal about me and yes I do care about them too. But Simply said sometimes I feel like a observer.

As if I just seeing the thing as a dispassionate third person viewer. As If I am seeing a movie. I feel as if I am missing something. I feel as if I cant communicate enough with anybody. I feel that whatever I say to somebody might be thought of eccentric.

I never care to be different, I want to feel a part of the mass. I want to flow with them. It is such a reassuring thought to be surrounded people who care. But somehow even if I am with these friends and family I dont feel so. Dont know why.

Some times I feel that the whole point of life is affirming paradoxes. Maybe everyone is, just that they dont recognize it. The whole thing will be put into perspective only when I tell you that even with all this craving for feeling part of something greater I am somebody who wants to be fiercely Independant. That's the source of this problem and I will never change that characteristics for any thing else.

My character has reached a stage where I no longer feel any righteous anger. It is not because of lack of killer instincts or anything. Yes these instincts are extremely strong in me. It is just that the world that I understand doesnt go by the concept of justice that this society upholds. What that means that the so called rules in the society is not at all in the mind of majority of population. It is just that most people think on the lines of might is right.

The only Question here is whats might. When we see cases of strong willed people taking on an entire establishment we have to understand that it is because of his social might he is able to do that. This means that he might be using, exploiting, generating some kinda social, political, economic or legal might.

So I am not content to remain myself I want to be more. But I dont want to change my behaviour for all the gold in this world. But I will change, I know that fact. I accept that. I dont fight against it. Rather I am happy. If I am dyanamic thats positive if I am static thats negative. I want to remain positive. Well as we age our perspectives will change. We will see things in a new light. That does not mean that we are right neither does it mean that we were wrong. It is just that right and wrong are something which is entirely in the realm of human mind. So I will live on in my way trying to change into what I think is positive. Yes what I percieve as positive can be negative for someone. But thats not a choice open to me. I am not content with a secure life. If I am secure I sleep. I need to awaken from the deep slumber I am in. Yes these are dreams which pertains to reality. What or Who will wake me up?

Quite Some time

2005-09-16T21:35:00.000+05:30

Yes it has been quite some time. I had a whale of time for this onam. It was simply superb. Was not at my home for the most of time.
Yep in College my batchs Floral design was adjudged the best. Just putting it here for ma friends.

Yes the mood of the whole class is becoming extremely sweet as the course is coming to an end.
See you all.

2005-09-08T23:16:00.000+05:30

Funny what prompted me to blog here is about the fact that I just now saw a writing that Von Neuman had proposed universal constructor. It is a kinda program where you will get a replicating behaviour or cellular automata. This does have some relation to Universal Computer by Turing.

Whats funny is this thing is there in a game Deus Ex. Now it seems that the game developers have gone so deep into researching technology. It would be last place anyone would look for this thing.
Here its all about ALIFE. Which is different from AI. Reason simple try defining Intelligence completely. You wont be able to exactly pin point where with ALife its possible.

2005-08-26T23:59:00.000+05:30

What result did the below said work have. Well frankly speaking we made a rocking presentation on a really cool topic "Biomorphs". But whats the use I had to present it in front of a much reduced audience. Add to it the fact that the PC we got was a college PC which would never play any videos. And I had three of them. All of them extremly relevant for showing the robot behaviour.

Well even if those things didnt work out. It was a really nice presentation. Nice and Clean. People could understand.

So lets come to topic. WHat are Biomorphs? No this is'nt where I am going to show my knowledge If I have any that is. I am going to just give an introduction. Some of my friends would remeber a long lost blog of mine. BEAM Robotics. It is a topic after my heart. I was just making a scientific presentation on this.
Biomorphs mean a form of life. It is also called analog robotics, Instinctual Robotics, Chaotic robotics etc. All these names have valid reasons. But I believe it is sufficient to say that these robots are those which are Survivalistic. So what this translates into is that these robots can learn that is change there behaviour according to their environment to a great extent. Quite like a biological being. No dont ever think that these things have any where close to life. But it is getting close.
The difference here is the ALife rather than AI. Its difficult to define Intelligence. There are so many forms of intelligence. So here rather we are looking at machines which would survive.

The problem with the conventional machines are they are just task oriented, thus susceptible tofailure where as these are better for a dynamical fractal world. Their behaviour can be totally explained by only Chaos theory.

Oh no that would be enough, more than enough. Well to sum it up. Was not at all bad, rather it was damn good even without a rehersal we did extremely well.

Working once in a long while

2005-08-22T23:18:00.000+05:30

Seminar time is around for me too. Just like all other guys I am supposed to go and give a talk about the stuff I am to present. For me selecting the topic was a tough task there were so many interesting topics about which I was crazy about. One would be better than the previous one.

Atlast I chose a topic and got permission. Now I come to the shitty part. The fact is without slides even I believe I can talk about this stuff for about 1hrs straight, but that aint enough.
I need to prepare slides. Then I need to prepare a report etc.
Only consolation is the fact that Last time I did ma paper presentation I did all this and more in one nights time. Zero to hundred in 5 hrs.
Atleast today there is no problem of that. Meaning I completely know What I am gonna present its only the part about presenting the whole thing in a manner which will fetch me marks. It is not difficult to present the whole thing in an interesting way since the topic is extremely likable and cool. It is not one of those just another boring topic. Well I hope I dont mess it up.

Oh wtf even if I mess it up there wouldnt be much of a difference would there be I really doubt it. Meaning the kinda way other guys are making the presentation i dont think it would be worser. Only thing is I love the topic.

Simply Blogging

2005-08-18T23:15:00.000+05:30

I need to blog. I am having this really strong urge blog. I really dont know why. I would say this would be similar to how I used to draw. I used to draw abstract pictures. Nobody would like it. There was essentially no meaning in it. But its meaning was essentially the pleasure it affords me when I drew it.
Similarly it seems blogging give me a sense of pleasure. Maybe it might be because I am able to express my feelings and emotions aptly in this small cyberspace. Everyone would like to have some kinda outlet. Ofcourse, unlike most of other guys I aint stressed out. Because I dont usually stress myself.
A friend of mine told me when I didnt have anything in mind then my blogs where readable. Its only when I had something to tell that they couldn't understand a thing.
.

AMD And Microsoft to Partner

2005-08-15T22:35:00.000+05:30

"AMD today announced that it will partner with Microsoft to bring the first x86-based 64-bit servers to Microsoft Technology Centers (MTC) worldwide. Microsoft plans to deploy and use enterprise-class HP ProLiant DL145 and DL585 servers powered by the AMD Opteron™ processor at MTC locations in North America, Europe and Asia. These systems will enable MTC customers to migrate, test and validate 64-bit applications while preserving their investment in 32-bit applications. "

Aint it funny two days after Intel and Apple decided to join hands these to decided to join hands. Seems the ol Wintel is in for the axe. Talking of Buisness.

Courtsey Physorg

Freaking.

2005-08-13T00:38:00.000+05:30

OH yeah I am blogging because I said I would. It is all about freaking. Well the exact subject is about those mask and the masqurades. Yes why do people do this. Simply because in the so called civilized society pomp is given importance. That is if can carry of your show you are great. The truth is you need to make people think more or less of a certain characteristic about you as you would like it. It is all a game of trying to manipulate. Sorry manipulate would be too strong a word. I would say suggest, coax etc would be more appropriate for the above said action.

It might seem unsettling to be told that you aint good enough or big enough or significant enough for anyone in the face of this earth. It is fear of this that most people try to overcome and this has been there from the day society came into being. Only the so called Level of Sophistication has changed as the social dynamics today is completely different from the so called social dynamics of yester years. So will it be for the future.
Man might or might not change but I seriously doubt that there will come a society sans pretenses.
Yes I do pretend. Thats the only difference between me and most of the others. I know that I pretend. Then why do Do it? May be because I too am afraid to be seen as insignificant or incapable when compared to others. But I am not so always. Sometimes I am extremely fatalistic meaning the what the hell attitude. I really wont give a damn. There is one more reason for if I am to give up the pretensions then I will have to say what comes to my mind about all those people who do pretend and that might be a extremely painful experience. To be said to their face that you aint that good. In fact you are downright terrible at the particular endeavour.

So coming back to freaking all those guys who are tired yes everyone tires at somepoint or another . They would try to vent those by freaking. It I "believe" is a just a mechanism to counter the pretenses. Were by you do things which might scare the hell outta someone else. I doubt now that freaking is the apt word for this phenomena. But it does come close. That will suffice for my purpose.
YES for me bloggin is kinda Freaking.

Title

2005-08-01T00:46:00.000+05:30

Hmm. Yes this is fast, real fast. Atleast from my perspective.
You know this is the first time it was really easy to blog. Because with this 512 Kbps connection it is faster than the older connection. Meaning atleast the create window in this blogger which usually takes such a long time is really fast.
Yes I like to do things fast. Be it maths or be it driving. But I aint reckless. Because at the speeds I am usually going it would be the end of it. Period.
There wouldnt be any more reason to speak about it. I'd be dead.
Yes speed thrills. But that does and it kills the uninitiated. Why ? Because it is about not driving yourself to your edge. I drive instinctively that means I drive at a speed extremely comfortable for me. Yes drive at the speed which is comfortable. It just happens that I am more than extremely comfortable around the 100-120kph range. (If the car has got nice breaks.) I never try to find the extreme edge of abilities. How do you recognize that speed. Simple it is the speed at which everything seems a blur to you. Yes at that speed you would recognize whats going on the road completely. You are missing some vital information. Which might prove fatal. So when you drive next time think of driving as this. Its not about being focussed it is about being alert. Especially in our country. Where you can expect every next door kid to play on the road.

And last but not the least. I have seen a few of my friends getting stressed out by the way people move and not move in the traffic. Dont be. Dont get angry and Never Panic. If you panic. Stop the car somewhere quite near and take a break and after the flutter is over resume.
Yes as you may have noticed it is just about marshalling your senses. Whether this sense is common or not, you can be the judge of that.

The CS experience.

2005-07-28T22:14:00.000+05:30

Yes this is a blog dedicated to one of my all time fav game , CS, the other being Deus Ex.
What I like about CS is how real it feels when playing.
And the physics of CS source is simply astounding. As far as I am concerned it is like the real life where the fastest draw and the best aim wins time and again along with the strategy.
Some say that the game speed is very slower when compared to UT. But In UT camping is not that a good technique. Where as in CS its an accepted practice. Does this mean that I am an expert on this game. No I am not.
L'amoure De Jeux.
Play the game for the love of it. Not viceversa. As for that matter any game.

2005-07-27T22:33:00.000+05:30

Seems If I dont want to say anything at all I will say things better. Funny aint it. Maybe because when you want to say something you might have a tendancy to gobble up words that are supposed to be typed. Moreover I usually think at a rate much faster than that of writing and then it is wastage of time as far as my mind is concerned so I would try to convey only what needs to be conveyed.

I believe everyone should to some extent or other try to understand the working of his/her mind.
This would make them understand themselves and others better. I can vouch for the fact that when you start to understand yourself better then you will understand many more things much more.

This does not mean you need to look into psychoanalysis. Yes dont do that upon yourself. Then you will be enclosed in a feedback loop which might er....... I really dont what all stupid things a person is capable of when he/she thinks that he/she is mad. As a matter of fact i dont entirely agree with freud. I feel he is exxagerating some things It seems to me that Jung's is much more sane voice.

PS: While I was typing I was under the influence of Black Sabbath, and mind you this is the kinda of music which is very soft for me. :D ie that which makes me sleep.

DeDust2

2005-07-25T15:45:00.000+05:30

I really dont know what to type here at this present instant. Then I am taking in the sweet feeling of typing words without having to think. I dont know how many of you can understand that feeling. Here I am completely relaxed and words form before me in this screen just by moving my hand. I dont even need to look on this. Yes as a matter of fact I am ty9ing blind.
Dont you know when you close your eyes you can think better. Yes thats exactly what I am doing now. I dont think even if I were to write this using pen and paper I would be this comfortable.
Now I can say it with pride that if I am in the right mood I can type really fast like what I am doing now. I dont think I can write faster.
Ah as I near the end of this post I completely understand that this post is just a typing expereince for me. It has no emotional, intellectual or political value. It is just the feeling of satisfaction for some well typed words.
Yes thats all. Bye.

Yep they said it atlast

2005-07-24T00:36:00.000+05:30

Your Hidden Talent

You have the power to persuade and influence others.
You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.
The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.
Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!

What's Your Hidden Talent?

what kinda Liberty.

2005-07-23T23:20:00.000+05:30

Well I am an extremely Liberal person, No dont confuse an anarchist with me. I believe there is never a state of this supposed anarchy because some element somewhere will have enough control on the system to influence its course.
What do I mean by being a liberal. It means that whenever someone starts to speak of controlling somebody else I feel really bad. In other words I believe in Free Will. Ofcourse this idea can be taken to the extreme. But what I mean here is that we should not control people just for the need of it.
Yes in this world there is a certain measure of control elements built into the system and we as a part of this system cant make do without those. Still I believe in the essential goodness of humanity, which means that if nothing is at stake "Nothing", then people will atleast most people would help those in need.

Another point I think i should say is about the propoganda and the public. Yes its actually not that difficult to control the publics mind. Its about feeding there imagination. The techinique is extremely simple tell them what they want to hear. Then they wont ask questions. Simple and the most effective technique. Yes we all can be controlled using this. As a matter of fact we are, Arent we?

Oh dont worry If all that you are bothered is about yourself nothing would happen to you just that most of the decisions you are taking would be decided by somebody else. Most probably or you should have the power of mind to go against the crowd.

Sleep deprivation.

2005-07-21T22:10:00.001+05:30

I have now mastered the art of sleeping for just 1-2 hrs per day. For a person who used to sleep more than 12hrs per day this might seem next to impossible. But lemme assure you I really did it.
And further more I dont feel that tired because of it. As somebody said all the sleep you need in a day you will get in that one hour or so.
Ha so what do I do with the so much extra Time
Its simple Simply lol around doing nothing.
Between the way in which I had to do this was that i had a deadline to meet. Which was really approaching fast. So I simply wanted to stay awake as much as possible.
There is a certain amount of possiblity that I might go back to my original leisurely regime.

but just As I write about this I am feelign extremely sleepy. and then it goes as fast as it came.

Ha a really cool one

2005-07-21T22:10:00.000+05:30

Yes we did a really cooool project. What the project was dont you wanna know.
Well lemme say this you wave your hand and control any thing (almost).

We developed this whole thing from scratch. The only help we got is from Johnson and Geogin in the initial stages when we were just learning the ropes of programming. Also they helped us in programming all our PICs

Yes PICs are realllly coool. I would say the most fun uC to use. So simple and powerful an instruction set.
In the end we did do what we concieved and more. There is really cool Blue LED display for the stereo input volume indicator were we used Stereo volume controller as a test case of the control signal generated.

2005-07-16T01:34:00.000+05:30

Tony now you can rest in peace no way will the gallahad or what ever guy bother you anymore.
Thanks to those terrorist.
They have come with new research to find out that the africa is the poorest continent and all those guys from there try to get outta there country. So we will not allow them to get better. We will restrict them to there countries itself. The poor fellow thinks he can live respectably. He is in completely for the surprise.
And the supposed charity goes into the Rolls Royce's etc. Who cares if you have given money that to the specified amount the seat in heaven will be blocked. If possible they will even use fraud in this. Then wont it be doubly sure. Yes yes ofcourse.

Add to that Our dear ole PM Mr or is he. I certainly doubt that. I dont think the name Mr Manmohan Singh applies to him. Ha some Singh. In the mind of most people Singh means those bearded punjabis who epitomises the bravery and courage of Indian soldiers. This Guys cuts such a sorry figure even when compared to his not so illustrious predecessor.
I would even say that DeveGowda might have been a better PM.
The brand of politics now played is not only the caste based one but also the sound based. That is to make as much sound as possible in public. Then you are doing something worthwhile. Then only will the electorate vote. Ha atleast that guy will make some noise in wherever he is to represent.

Re; Papa and the Junior

2005-07-08T21:53:00.000+05:30

Aint they so adorable. The purrfect father and son. Papa was an idiot and he stopped there. But the Son has raised the bar so much that even Bubka(Pole Vault Record holder. He is known for the fact that he broke his own record 17 times) will kneel before this guys record feats.
While one cant even hold a drink, junior was held for drinking long time back. Also poor Sadam would be cursing this Father and son. Atleast papa could defeat him whereas the because he is stupid simply bombed him outta office.
I think Bush should start playing AOE. Then he can destroy as much enemies as he want.
Hey Rice do Bush a favour. Give him a small map with three players.
In the beginners campaign let him have Afghanistan and Iraq. After he has demolished those targets and done regicide(read capturing Saddam Or Osama.) Let him proceed to a bigger map.
Here in this map he will have to face Syria, North Korea, Iran and Rogue elements from very many other countries. I certainly do hope that he doesnt get past this. It would be extremely interesting to see what kinda result we might have then.
And Dont you ever give him an expansion pack. Just increase the Difficulty level. That a way everyone would be fine.

Re: Dudes and Visas

2005-07-08T21:52:00.000+05:30

I love george bush. I love Narendra Modi. Both these dudes have so much charishma. Like a pot of tar. Man they just make the mood black with humour. Its like they are oozing with it.
Yesterday Poor Bush annan fearing gompetition from Modi dude cancels Modis visa. Enthada Modaya. payya thanne.
I guess America is not ready for Bush and Modi together. Well its does seem extremely logical. Think what would happen,if these two guys think about working together. The devil will have to rethink his carreer strategy. Kiddilangal alle randum.
When one targets his people other makes a target practice outta his people. These are the kinda leaders we need. They have sworn to better this world. Who cares about the birth control methods.
Now only Problem I can think is about American Officials in Gujrat beware Modi Might do a Jayalalitha.
There is only One difference in there intellectual capabilities. While Modis is limited to being Cunning. The other doesnt have to bother about it at all.

Re: Intelligence for Dummies

2005-07-08T21:50:00.000+05:30

These are the general tips they may or may not apply to anybody. This means that some of it might be true other may be completely false. If you do not feel so do tell.

1. Dont talk , act as if you are thinking. Dont say a word. Keep your mouth shut. You may sleep. Try to do it with your eyes open that is if you can. I see that it helps.

2. Say that I am the most stupid person. Dont over do it. Usually tell it once a week. That is the ideal rate. Never tell what you really , stupid would be a gross underestimation of the facts. Say instead I was thinking about some thing related to . Like "I was thinking about it from another angle" and failed see the consequences.

3. When somebody ask you What are you thinking? Just tell "I was thinking about why we exist? and so on. DONT elaborate what you think about existance as you most probably wont know the meaning of it.

Remember at all times that most probably they are much more intelligent than you are. So dont take risk. If you dont open your mouth and act like thinking you can actually pull it off.

4. Join all those communities in Orkut about the philososphers. People seeing this will think that , you are some one really intelligent. Try to post as much as possible. Then write a profile saying the truth. That is You dont know yourself.

5. Start Blogging. Use a stupid name. That usually pays of. Write about all things that comes to your mind. But mind you never make it clear what you are trying to say. Just confuse them as much as you can. Write about Physics and Philosophy as much as possible. It is sure shot ,people would think that you are brilliant.

6. Ofcourse you need to read the back of the books as much as possible and if possible read some books that you might understand, atleast the language, leave the content. Who needs the content. Then write a review as big as you can. Telling you liked that and this about that story.

7. When you speak you should be careful to use as little words as possible more and you might be in trouble. Also try to invent words so that others wont understand it. Then tell it is french or greek.

This is all for today.
Have a nice day. Oh i forgot do tell "Have a nice day" always . It does help a lot.
PS: When you are writing always make as many mistakes as possible.

The Search goes on

2005-07-08T21:48:00.000+05:30

I am gonna republish selected blogs. :D
Bear through it.

This is my first blog. But that is immaterial.
What i really want to blog about is Why blog?
Coz i can say whatever i want and still believe that someone has read it. That is really good feeling when i type. Even though most probably none might have. Apart from that nothing.

Ok that being over. We can go on to finer points.
Oh by the way what were those finer points? I get it. This is really fun. Think about this I am here defining myself. So what you think of me is one way a mirror of what i think or want to think of myself as. Bogged down by the blog. If you feel this is worth anything. say it so and if you feel not then mail me for sure.

Simply.

2005-07-05T21:36:00.000+05:30

This is a comment made my brother on my blog long ago that is 5 months ago.

Govind.

this comment is for every article that you have written. Being a fool myself if i say that you are a fool some will say that you are not a fool but a great man some others will say that you a greater fool than me. All i want to say is that every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction
you wont believe if i say that by the above para i have criticized every blog that you have written.you have got to think deep to find it out. I have a request- learn how to communicate and dont confuse people for the sake of confusing or if you dont know anything to write without confusing then dont write. if you want to confuse,confuse with grace.

By someone you have seen from the age of 7.

2:50 PM

Aravind.V said...

If you were trying to confuse me you failed miserably. Sorry and I can assure you that this is not for a some one who is only 12.

If you cant understand it and is confused then you need to reread these posts really carefully. This is because some things can be said only upto a point. And most of what I post about is Ideas. These Ideas are complex , and difficult to communicate for a start.
Then there is the fact that i am Posting about insufficiency of languages to communicate. I see that you have not read it. If you havent read it how can you comment about all the blogs i have written.
Do go through it. If you dont understand i am ready to help you.
Most of the things that i write here are not things which people will understand with the word go. You have to make an effort to understand it. Thats why you were confused. In your case i will make an exception as you are not old enough.
I do welcome all your comments. But try to be more constructive.
Now you see i have made a comment bigger than ma blog.Hehe.

This blog is for my brother. Who is really great to have with most of the time. Mind you "most of the time". Some times like everyother bro he can be a pain in the ass

2005-07-05T00:43:00.000+05:30

I think I am feeling a little uncertain about what to tell in this blog. That might be the reason for so many self depreciating blogs etc. This blog started of as some where I expressed my Ideas where it could be shared with all. Moreover as a place where I myself can retrieve it in the future. It could give me the ideas which I have now. To serve as both a measuring rod and as an anchor.

Yes we all do change. You can change or you can be changed. As the saying goes there is no option C. I believe there is no reason to fear change.
Funniest thing is I can feel the change.
From when I was a kid I used to try to think why somethings worked like it did. I used to be good at studying because of my genuine curiousity. I wanted to know as much about it. That may be the reason why I was attracted to physics more than any other subject because at the most fundamental levels it all breaks down into physics. If GUT is there and you have a really powerful supercomputer we can work out the details of everything in this world. May be we can even work out how to make faster supercomputers which would be the limiting factor then.

Now coming back to what I was saying. Now more and more I am looking into human behaviour. This is such a complex and at the same time simple area. That it is Both Ironical and Paradoxical. And I havent found anything or discovered anything. But My ideas about myself and my fellow beings have become much much clearer. Now I dont have the fear about myself. Which I used to have. Because Simply said I dont need to measure up to anybody. That is a tremendous relief. Also This new found interest has turned me little more clever and cunning when dealing with people(sometimes). atleast I can look back on the incident and say what went wrong. That is a sure fire method to improve my quality.
Still I am passionate about meeting new people and knowing them and helping them as much as I can without sacrificing my priorities. I can never pretend to help. I help or doesnt help. There is no in between way. After joining college my interest in books etc has generally died down. But within last one year I have changed a lot. Become more Outgoing. Not that I wasnt before. Just that more so. I am more philosophical, logical, cool and composed nowadays.

PS: Does'nt this look exactly like the post of a loony guy. Please Forget that you cared and dared to read such rubbish. Some guys when needing to express just go overboard. But we the Rational being should not be like that.

Plea to a Ghost..

2005-07-05T00:36:00.000+05:30

Reverend ghost. Please come back It was so much more interesting to blog with you around. What should I do to revive thee. No no dont tell me. I wont do anything.
As a matter of fact you are more trouble than what is worth.

Ghost of this kind are rare to see. Most are supposed to be either friendly or scary here we have a ghost which is kinda moron and an extra intelligent being mixed together.
Still its a ghost which has my interests in its what, heart may be , ah yes sheet.

As my paltry try at humour is over. And which has left a real bitter taste in my mouth. I will not blog anything anywhere of this quality in the near future. Unless Some one else really inspires me.
May be its BiosBhai or it might be ranting-dude.
Poison is far too matured and childish for this.

2005-07-03T21:50:00.000+05:30

"How my life and existense in this world progresses . In common man's language.....Fast becoming rare nowadays!!!!"
This is an excerpt from one of my friends blogspot. And I believe he is saying the right thing, atleast as far as I am concerned. Even he said to me that he needs to make an effort to read my blog.
Maybe because.
My Language is terrible.
My psellings are worser still
and My I deas are worst.

Still for me those are my Ideas. And I dont need to communicate it with every one out there. I need to communicate to only a very select audience. Its there job to decide whether to join the club or not. Oh yeah I am the most satisfied if even one person reads it and understands what I am saying. AND So I believe POISON deserves special mention. He has been one person who have commented meaningfully in these posts. And I am extremely happy to post for such an audience. Whatever my mistakes He does read them and most often than not corrects me.

Most of my friends blog about their experience and feeling which are really fun to read whereas my blog is no way like that mostly it is about my opinion or about something factual or philosophical. Left to myself I dont think I would care to read something like this. But as I am the author I dont need to bother too much about reading the stuff. It is not as if others bother. Still if someone bothers it would be there.

And some are calling me sporadic. May be I am because the no of blogs that I could have written and that which I have are different. May be I will blog when my passion for blogging reaching the dizzying height which I had before and then again maybe not.

Bloggin is simply weblogging. So there it is simply keeping some kind of a log but one that is of the cyberkind. Most usually Incidents are used.

I might try to blog more in future bear with me. Thanks to shocky too. Expecting your comments shortly.

2005-07-01T21:58:00.000+05:30

As for me Nowadays I am not really Blogging nowadays. This might be because I dont have the passion. All the blogs I make are because " I have Something to say rather than I have to say something". Its not my cup to make blogs just for blogs.
Why am I saying this even. Even this blog came out of a need for me to express or communicate. Nothing less.
Moreover the topics I have in mind are more biased. More rebellious. More open. Which I might talk about but not write about.
No I am not an Utopian. Most often than not I am practical. Thats why some of my friends find me to be not that emotional. Where as It is just that I dont allow my emotions to get the better of me.
I think emotions are a very important requirement for a social being. That said I dont want to be another highly strung guy for no reason at all or is that it.
I sometimes have a fatalistic streak in my character. This means that I start thinking if worst comes to worst I have nothin much to loose except the end of possibilities. And I am very much content to lose that if need be.

Psyche

2005-06-30T22:26:00.000+05:30

Jung's theory divides the psyche into three parts. The first is the ego,which Jung identifies with the conscious mind. Closely related is the personal unconscious, which includes anything which is not presently conscious, but can be. The personal unconscious is like most people's understanding of the unconscious in that it includes both memories that are easily brought to mind and those that have been suppressed for some reason. But it does not include the instincts that Freud would have it include.

But then Jung adds the part of the psyche that makes his theory stand out from all others: the collective unconscious. You could call it your "psychic inheritance." It is the reservoir of our experiences as a species, a kind of knowledge we are all born with. And yet we can never be directly conscious of it. It influences all of our experiences and behaviors, most especially the emotional ones, but we only know about it indirectly, by looking at those influences.

There are some experiences that show the effects of the collective unconscious more clearly than others: The experiences of love at first sight, of deja vu (the feeling that you've been here before), and the immediate recognition of certain symbols and the meanings of certain myths, could all be understood as the sudden conjunction of our outer reality and the inner reality of the collective unconscious. Grander examples are the creative experiences shared by artists and musicians all over the world and in all times, or the spiritual experiences of mystics of all religions, or the parallels in dreams, fantasies, mythologies, fairy tales, and literature.

Untitled

2005-06-19T11:16:00.000+05:30

The Power of the unspoken word over the spoken one is great. That left unspoken has as many possibilities as you can imagine. So it translates into being the power of your emotion.
So is the power of music without words. Its, So Beautiful. Exquisite. Music at its best where it has its raw and unmitigated power. It has the power of imagination.
It simply is Raw Emotion where there are no sophistication or limitations of some "Words". Its completely free. It would need to be music itself for someone to communicate these feeling effectively to someone else.

2005-06-14T22:10:00.000+05:30

If you wanna be hot be hot , If you want to be cool be cool. Be what you wanna be, not what others want you to be.
Dont try to fake if are not comfortable with yourself then you wont sell. Its basically about your conviction. If you have the conviction even if you know much much less than someone else you will speak with more passion. Then you will be saying things straight from your heart.