This is an exceptionally long blog.

CAUTION: You Are about to read a long blog. It might Bore you.

I feel lonely. Yes this is a topic I have discussed before still this is a feeling I cant get out of my system. What is the source of such a feeling I know not.

As a child I was very naughty, over enthusiastic, excitable and terribly restless. Used to clown around all day. Even now with my friends and every one I keep on clowning. Most probably because I dont care what others think of me that much. I think, maybe I am entirely wrong, not many have understood the way I see things. Why I see them as such. But Am I that different from others maybe not. Everyone feels that he is different and yes, everyone is different in one way or the other.

This loneliness is due to the fact that only two or three people in this whole world I know can I talk to without inhibition of my ideas. Why is it, because I fear to hurt people with my ideas. Yes thats possible and it could hurt deep, very deep because usually my ideas are about things we all take granted in our life. Usually I know how people think. I have somewhat a rational mind.

But still I am very excitable especially at the start of a new idea. But Unless I literally
speak out these ideas they wont crystallize. To just say these things out loud needs better understanding of the concepts involved. And thus gives me a lot of intellectual satisfaction which I have found so exhilarating.

In my school days I used to talk my ideas to Santhosh. Only he could Understand and we used to have dialogues and arguments. Yes these arguments were actually discussion when one of us was convinvced we conceded. It was really active time for me. But after getting into college we were a lil constrained for the time. I could not find another person anywhere near his calibere in our college. Maybe It is because I didnt try hard enough, maybe because the situation hasnt arisen yet. Still this has contributed in no small measure in my feeling of being lonely. As for friends, I have a lot of friends whom I love and care about. And I know I can depend on my life on them. Yes I am lucky in that sense that I have a lot of good friends who stands by me come whatever may.

This is not about that, yes when I am with them I am the rashest, loudest and usually try to enjoy the most. Most of my inhibitions are shed. Yes I become part of it. And I can guarantee that it feels really good to be part of something more than oneself. That is what loneliness is all about.

Sometimes it could be because I feel pity to lot of my friends. The way they behave, oh yes not only friends all people. I have a huge superiority complex. Maybe I am entitled to it or maybe not at all. But whatever it be I do feel that because I am more rational than many around or some insatiable feeling of being important. No its not about importance because I really dont give a damn about how people think about me. I really do believe a lot in free will. Its actually a funny line. Is any will free? Maybe not, still I believe its about not trying to enforce your mind onto others. Ah now I get it I feel this superior to others because I dont give a damn about most things in life.

That brings me to the most pertinent question what is that I really give a damn about. Well I have really speaking two modes of operation that is the analytical/Philosophical one and the action/Practical mode. Yes these two are interconnected but there are certain points of difference. In the first mode the answer would be I dont really give a damn about anything including damn. And in the second mode I really only care about my comfort. I am entirely selfish. (Understand if the society as it stands is not there I will not be comfortable, If due to my action someone gets hurt and I care about it then I might not be comfortable). Yes its all a question of selfish interest.

Someother times seeing the humans(yes viewing them objectively) gives me a lot of joy. It gives me a special joy in how there mind works. Simply said IT IS BEAUTIFUL. Yes maybe its because of this I have started to read more on psychology and philosophy. It represents the paths or methods by which we could approach human mind. The funny thing about it all is I started reading about this to find more on AI. I was always intrigued about the AI methods. I am not a person who believes that algorithmic approach can reach the kind of flexibility the real world systems should posses. For me I believed that they needed more of a probabilistic approach. The funny thing is its almost the same thing that russell proposed very much earlier at around 1920's or something. I dont mean that I found something that was not there. Russell was original I had a lot of help of atleast 80 years of more additional informatin into this world.

Now Its all about behaviour and behaviour pattern. Its just pattern recog. Yes thats one of the most difficult things to do if not for us humans. The question of pattern recog came to my mind first when I started driving. its in traffic that we see that humans as group without any synchronizing pulse or any such signals have fairly consistent behaviour and whats more funny we can categorize the behaviour into young and old, male and female etc. This opened mind to so many things.

Nowadays I almost discuss these kind of things through my blog only. Ofcourse most people who might read this blog wont care a shit about these and thats not their problem It might most proabably be my problem. Here I am actually carrying a dialogue. Which means that I am talking with my previous statement. So I can take very many different stand points. Yes this has in some respect resulted in me thinking more.

But this has a very big limitation, however much I wish it to be I cant shed my inhibitions wholely. This might be because If I say somethings I see as unemotional facts others wont be able to see it as that. According to me its the problem of there perception or its problem of mine. Whatever it is as an individual we all think that we are right. Yes we can operate only from that assumption otherwise there will simply be no kind of activity taking place. Thats what i want to avoid.

Oh i forgot to say I take laziness to new peaks. It is just that there are not many things that drive me. I used to want to prove myself. But after I understood I completely lost interest because others whatever they think are their thought I wouldnt like to influence it. So according t some I am really drifting aimless in this world. Or Am I. Doesnt me have more concrete aim than all those peopl around me. Well whatever said than done writing this has resulted in me telling to myself what exactly my problem