Failing Sanity

This something some might agree on and some might not. For some I am the guy who has his head in the clouds all the time and for some others I am the most practical and ruthless guy around.

As for me I percieve only a slight difference between the two. The edge of reality and illusion is always foggy. Tread those paths lightly.

For the last four years nothing much special has been happening to me. I didnt achieve anything or rather I did lose a lot of things. Its funny that from a systematic system i came to system where the rot has set in completely. I wondered what I should do in the system.

Finding no satisfiable answer I did nothing more.

So all these past years has been about me tryin to find more of myself so that I could act better, react better. Anyway For a third person this is not much of an Achievement rather its simply a waste of time.

From that perspective, all the time Ispend on introspection should have been used for something constructive where as I hav used it only for somethings which are not good for anyone in their view.

I beg to take a different stance. I for one have known more about myself and others in the past four years than in the past eighteen years. I wont assume that mine understanding of myself is complete, rather how much I understood before is paltry when compared to the present.

On the flip side my ideas has started to grow. It has become more complex and larger. I sometimes feel suffocated by these very ideas ,which also intoxicates me. Sometimes i fear maybe I am loosing sanity. I have nothing at present which roots me to sanity.

No worldly love, except for life. When this love is also gone........

If I have to live in this society as a part , which i dearly love at present and detest too, I need to feel more passionately for people. I used to be a passionate person. I still am Passionate, But at times I feel so cold that I shiver. The cold comes from my heart, as Camus said "the Divine indifference".

I need something to root me back. I am in a desperate search for it. It might be an ambition that fires my imagination or Some person who fires my passion ( it could mean a lover or a friend. Latter might be more probable, I feel) The possiblity is thin. But we all need some hope.

If I continue I fear somewhere deep down that I might loose my sanity. When i loose that fear I will have lost my sanity.