Thursday, June 29, 2006

Er.........

Usually I dont dream. No this blog is not about my dreams either. Call it whatever visions, feeling, dream, perception ,thought, anything the fact is that I think i will say good bye pretty soon. No dont ask me the time frame. It might be while I writing this blog in which case you wouldnt even read it. Or.. it might take another 20 years.. who knows.

Any way the point being I have a feeling that I have nothing much more to give to this world. I am just existing. I dont feel part of anything. Sometimes not even my family. And mind you I respect all of them very much whether it be my mother, father brother.. or any relatives. I do know that They do care for me too. But thats not the point. The point is I am feeling so distant even from my self sometimes.

Lets consider the reason. It might be prolly coz of the fact that I have learned more about myself in past 1 yr than in the 20 years before that. And the rate at which I am learning about myself is quite like an exponential one. Needless to say As I have learned about myself , that much more I have learned about my fellow beings.

I feel I am lost to this world. Day by day I feel as if I am closer and farther away from the reality. Closer from my perspective and farther from others. Ofcourse the one reading this would obviously come to the conclusion that I am further from reality!. Thats your discretion, i have nothing to say to that. Because reality is not something I could show you. You need to be ready to accept it. Trying to shut those out wont exactly change anything except your perception.

In the end I am having these visions of being hit by a moving vehicle at high speeds. Whats funny about it is In this "vision" i think I will try to avoid an oncoming cycle onto an oncoming Truck!.:D. Pretty funny. I only have one wish on this. Dont u sue the poor truck driver. If you want go sue the cyclist.

Death has always been something I never feared I dont know why. No I am not one of those guys with any kinda suicidal tendancy. I accept things are they are and then work towards changing it. Thats being ruthlessly practical in one sense. Atleast according to mine. Sometimes i feel that moment of my death would be the moment where I will be a complete individual. So I actually eagerly await that moment, that moment of clarity, that moment that should bring me joy as no other moment might.

Death my lover, I await thee. But its just a feeling. Something because I have hte feeling that I am being like an useless shit. Which means theres a chance that I will change , my perspective will change my attitude will change my priorities will change. Change is something i always look forward to whether it be good or bad. It always keeps me occupied. In understanding the change.

PS: I suddenly understood whats the problem with my writing or whats the good thing about it. I dont think out sentances or paragraphs. I dont reread it. I just post it as I type it. Sometimes when I type I leave out so many words which came in the mind because I cant type as fast as I think obviously!. I type the words as if I am speaking to a third person, which makes it grammatically incorrect and what not. But Theres somekinda beauty in my writing which I love. Yeah the beauty is that theres no structure.

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