Thursday, November 23, 2006

Who Me!

I sometimes imagine myself hanging from a cliff, I just have to flex my muscles to reach safety. But I dont do that, keep on hanging just for the fun of hanging so such so that I cant get to safety anymore.I know I will have to let go as theres no point in continuing holding on to the cliff. I start smiling. I still wont let go I still hold on for the fun of holding on until my muscles turn water. I dont even try to get to safety even then. I dont call out for help. I dont want any damn
help, I want to live or die all by myself at that point. My smile widens when I know that my hands are slipping....and I start falling. The feel of air rushing as i fall is exhilarating. Nothing compares to it especially since that would be my last experience when I am alive. I dont care about what I have done till now, neither what i might have done. They say life flashes through your eyes when you are going to die but it seems that doesnt happen with me. The fall is pretty long. I aint falling fast enough for me it seems. I get bored of falling.... I just try to while away my last moments. I start singin, celeberating my last moments no longer thinking of time that is left.

I want to die with a smile on my lips..defiance of life that was over the death that is. Absence of anything to hold me back is at the same time liberating and painful. The absence gnaws my mind like nothing else can. Life seems like a endless study of myself. My life I guess is so selfcentered. But then whos is not :) all said and done you can live it only around YOUR self.

I guess I am ready to accept anything that life throws at me. This readiness arises
probably from the fact that I am numb. I need to feel.... SHIT!

Or is it rather that I am afraid, afraid so much of myself that I have put all my emotions away. Doesnt it sound more geniune that I am an individual whos emotional response systems are so messed up that they are no more functional. Only thing that doesnt drive me crazy is the fact that I know that I will also change I am holding onto that thread. I want to keep on changing.


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