Who Me!

I sometimes imagine myself hanging from a cliff, I just have to flex my muscles to reach safety. But I dont do that, keep on hanging just for the fun of hanging so such so that I cant get to safety anymore.I know I will have to let go as theres no point in continuing holding on to the cliff. I start smiling. I still wont let go I still hold on for the fun of holding on until my muscles turn water. I dont even try to get to safety even then. I dont call out for help. I dont want any damn
help, I want to live or die all by myself at that point. My smile widens when I know that my hands are slipping....and I start falling. The feel of air rushing as i fall is exhilarating. Nothing compares to it especially since that would be my last experience when I am alive. I dont care about what I have done till now, neither what i might have done. They say life flashes through your eyes when you are going to die but it seems that doesnt happen with me. The fall is pretty long. I aint falling fast enough for me it seems. I get bored of falling.... I just try to while away my last moments. I start singin, celeberating my last moments no longer thinking of time that is left.

I want to die with a smile on my lips..defiance of life that was over the death that is. Absence of anything to hold me back is at the same time liberating and painful. The absence gnaws my mind like nothing else can. Life seems like a endless study of myself. My life I guess is so selfcentered. But then whos is not :) all said and done you can live it only around YOUR self.

I guess I am ready to accept anything that life throws at me. This readiness arises
probably from the fact that I am numb. I need to feel.... SHIT!

Or is it rather that I am afraid, afraid so much of myself that I have put all my emotions away. Doesnt it sound more geniune that I am an individual whos emotional response systems are so messed up that they are no more functional. Only thing that doesnt drive me crazy is the fact that I know that I will also change I am holding onto that thread. I want to keep on changing.

Ha

Sometimes I feel that I am too much of a paradox, so much so that I neither want to live or die. I feel I am at a crossroads, I have to decide some things pertinent to the life as others see it. As for me most of the time I feel anything will do as long as I am alive and after that I dont need to care do I ?

My mind is so totally blank. Feel so sobre. But then aint I laughing at myself and this world in which I live in. Yes I am :). Is laughter my weakness or strength.
Somewhere down the line I forgot to cry. Now I can only laugh at anything. I cant even feel sad about that. I can only laugh at even this. But sometimes such unidimensionality of emotions might make it boring for you.Yes it does.

But then do I want to change. I dont think so. In my life I never had a problem or rather I never accepted that I was facing one. I just took things as it came ,still does the same thing. I dont give a damn how the outcome is one way or other.

So am I happy or not. I guess I am happy, and happier than most people around. I still live for myself. I am free. Nothing and noone binds me. Moreover Happiness is about attitude. I dont need anything to be happy I think. When a person becomes happy over a something new he got or some achievement of his, its usually related to his percieved increase in social acceptance. Because happiness is linked a lot to relations.

Ah crap, I get even irritated by myself. What am I supposed to do about that. I get irritated by almost everyone sometime or the other.

LOL

This ought to be funny I guess. Now , this moment, I am free. As free as a man can ever be. Yes I am still a slave of many of my habits, of social customs, emotional bonds to a certain extent still, I feel I am free unlike everyone else. I am not scampering for anything in my life. I dont feel the need to go after anything or anyone. I am kinda super sober. Seriously said I dont even feel any kinda emotion as of now. Emotionally totally blank. Its just that I can think, think clearly at that, without passion. Every damn thing seems crystal clear. I dont have grudge against anything or anyone.

My life in retrospect seems empty and at the same time full. Everything seems so paradoxical for me. Most of all myself!. I have an ego that takes offense for the slightest of reasons but then I myself try to burst my ego every now and then. All through my behaviour this sort of paradox seems prevalent. I sometimes feel that I act like a man weighed with age and some of the times like a child who feels the wonder at every new thing that he comes across.

Usually I type in the blogger window, but for a change this is in a notepad file. It seems that how the words form in front you can have an impact upon the texture of what you are writing. This might seem pretty stupid but.. then. what doesnt.

Recently I read three plays of Sartre. The flies, Dirty Hands, The Respectable Prostitute. It was a nice experience reading all of em. Felt really great. When compared to all the recent books I read There seems none which belongs even in the same class. Sartre, Camus, Kafka whats it about that makes me go gaga! But then i didnt like. Sartre's novel Nausea. To say the truth I felt that it was kinda too much nauseating without even a hint of a plot. Usually its the amusing aspect of life from a third person's view that is so alluring in all these stories. I have only read The Stranger by Camus and liked it like anything. But it seems the plays written by Camus and Sartre are even better. Gotta buy them one of these days. :)

Lol I really dont have anything to do I guess. Yeah it does give me a kinda kick to just go on typing . And it give me even more kick just to type with my eyes closed. Without even looking into the monitor. Imagining the words forming in the screen. Wah. It feels great.

In "The flies" there is this famous statement "At the far side of despair, life begins". It feels so true. So much the deeper you go into despair and depression that much you know more about whats it to be truly happy. So that you can even be happy for the fact that you are happy. Which is a never ending cycle.

Ah why do I write so pathetically. Shit. I wanna talk but then there is nobody. Ok agreed there are guys whom I could call up and talk about this very same stuff but that wouldnt be same as sitting side by side in a sofa or on wet grass and talking about what comes to ones mind. The later is so so very liberating and exhilarating for me.

Life seems so short and stretched out at the same time. Lol what kinda sentance is that. I dont exactly remember but I guess its Asimov who said that time is something that resists definition. This life seems so bare and marvelous at the same time. Why so? I dont even know Why I said that. I have this jinx with many a books. I kinda read upto about the halfway mark and then never get around to finishing those books. there are about... 8-10 books like that. I need to get over this habit. Usually what happens is when the book makes you think, I tend to start from all over, because its fun to reread it and.. think from different perspectives.

This ought to be funny I guess. Now , this moment, I am free. As free as a man can ever be. Yes I am still a slave of many of my habits, of social customs, emotional bonds to a certain extent still, I feel I am free unlike everyone else. I am not scampering for anything in my life. I dont feel the need to go after anything or anyone. I am kinda super sober. Seriously said I dont even feel any kinda emotion as of now. Emotionally totally blank. Its just that I can think, think clearly at that, without passion. Every damn thing seems crystal clear. I dont have grudge against anything or anyone.

My life in retrospect seems empty and at the same time full. Everything seems so paradoxical for me. Most of all myself!. I have an ego that takes offense for the slightest of reasons but then I myself try to burst my ego every now and then. All through my behaviour this sort of paradox seems prevalent. I sometimes feel that I act like a man weighed with age and some of the times like a child who feels the wonder at every new thing that he comes across.

Usually I type in the blogger window, but for a change this is in a notepad file. It seems that how the words form in front you can have an impact upon the texture of what you are writing. This might seem pretty stupid but.. then. what doesnt.

Recently I read three plays of Sartre. The flies, Dirty Hands, The Respectable Prostitute. It was a nice experience reading all of em. Felt really great. When compared to all the recent books I read There seems none which belongs even in the same class. Sartre, Camus, Kafka whats it about that makes me go gaga! But then i didnt like. Sartre's novel Nausea. To say the truth I felt that it was kinda too much nauseating without even a hint of a plot. Usually its the amusing aspect of life from a third person's view that is so alluring in all these stories. I have only read The Stranger by Camus and liked it like anything. But it seems the plays written by Camus and Sartre are even better. Gotta buy them one of these days. :)

Lol I really dont have anything to do I guess. Yeah it does give me a kinda kick to just go on typing . And it give me even more kick just to type with my eyes closed. Without even looking into the monitor. Imagining the words forming in the screen. Wah. It feels great.

In "The flies" there is this famous statement "At the far side of despair, life begins". It feels so true. So much the deeper you go into despair and depression that much you know more about whats it to be truly happy. So that you can even be happy for the fact that you are happy. Which is a never ending cycle.

Ah why do I write so pathetically. Shit. I wanna talk but then there is nobody. Ok agreed there are guys whom I could call up and talk about this very same stuff but that wouldnt be same as sitting side by side in a sofa or on wet grass and talking about what comes to ones mind. The later is so so very liberating and exhilarating for me.

Life seems so short and stretched out at the same time. Lol what kinda sentance is that. I dont exactly remember but I guess its Asimov who said that time is something that resists definition. This life seems so bare and marvelous at the same time. Why so? I dont even know Why I said that. I have this jinx with many a books. I kinda read upto about the halfway mark and then never get around to finishing those books. there are about... 8-10 books like that. I need to get over this habit. Usually what happens is when the book makes you think, I tend to start from all over, because its fun to reread it and.. think from different perspectives.