Wednesday, November 30, 2005

About being the good guy.

OH have been tagged by Kickassso.

ITs about being goody two shoes as all are expected to be in my society.

10. Thou shall study your lessons daily and go to the best tuition centre in the town.
9. Thou shall listen to melodious Mallu and Hindi music. Your taste may go up to the extent of listening to pop songs like that of Westlife, BSB etc and like the songs liked by your peers. Hardrock and Metal are strict no-nos.
8. Thou shall see good mallu movies and hindi movies. Only the hyped up english movies shall be seen.
7. Sports and games are essential only in theory. Thou shall take part in it at your free time and your vacation.
6. Reading is a good habit. Only if you score a lot of marks in your studies and you have set aside some time for reading. Thou shall read only goody goody books or the hyped books in the media like Harry Potter.
5. Thou shall respect your teachers and follow every word they say and write notes and complete your assignments before everybody else.
4. Thou shall not swear and berate others. No drinking and smoking.
3. Thou shall follow your parents wishes and their fantasies.Thou shall study hard and score 90+ in Xth, 85+ in XIIth and 80+ for graduation.
2. Your aim should be to do well in entrance exams and get into Medical College or CET. Then the ultimate aim should be to get through your campus placements and secure a job. Write CAT as part of a fad.
1. Thou shall not fall in love. If you do make sure the girl is your caste, not poor etc. Marry a girl of the parents' choosing and have kids. Then the raise the kids on the above principles.

Well as for me those who know will know that I wouldnt satisfy even one of these conditions.

1. I dont study even once in a week, forget daily studies. As for tuitions gave it up after S12 hate tuitions esp for professional course.
2.Dont hear much of the so called melodious music and My favourite kinda music is exactly outside the genre stated above. Rammstein, Metallica and Carnatic.
3. I am not into movies. Esp the drama kind. Dont like Hindi Films that much except for the oomph factor :D oh between nothing more to it than that.
4.Plays CS in the night of University exams.How about that for an answer. Sometimes may become CS Pro :D.
5. Reading is a big weakness, only prob is the so called stuff I need to study for exams I see only on the morning of Exams. It does suffice for my aspirations.
6. On teachers its like this the main lot which pass of as teachers these days, I have no respect at all. But yes Even in our college there are Some teachers who does have the necessary qualities of a teacher. This does not mean I dont respect them as individual. Its just about they being teachers.
7. When with my friends I swear a damn big lot. About berating others well I dont usually do that. About the drinking or smoking. Never will do that, I hope. I care about fitness a lot.
8. Parents wishes about me remains usually just that. There wishes. But They do respect me as an individual. I am in no small measure proud about that.
9. Well as for entrance exams did care about IIT at a time long back. But never cared for Kerala Entrance. Does not still.As for CET, well I had the chance to be there, Wanted EC badly =)) so here in SCT. Did get a placement. But job is never any aim of mine. Didnt write CAT as part of fad. I wrote it semi picnic as Bleak said.
10. Oh I dont know, If I fall in love You can be sure I would'nt care about any so called restrictions any one imposes on me. I wouldnt even care. As for raising kids. I believe an individual needs space to evolve. My father took pains to give me that. So I expect to do better IF I can .

Ah just a thought If My father took this test.
I havent said this anywhere earlier. My father does have a strong personality. It has rubbed on to me a lil. Hes charismatic too. The way I think in no small measure has been influenced by him. His only problem with me is that I lack the drive or initiative for anything. In plain language I being Lazy. Got to accept that, I am typing this out at the day before my exams. Theres not even one day left. COOL.

PS: There would be a lot typo errosr. oops I dont have time to correct. I am typing as it comes to my mind.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Check this out.

Well the project time is here again. Last time we formed a group to do what we imagined and we did do that. It was a terrific experience for us all. When I say We its me, auster, Arun. WE really rocked as a team.
YES now we are back and ye all hear we are gonna rock. Oh yes I am really sure that this time we will pull off something that others cant start to imagine. Yes we make an almost perfect team. I am saying almost perfect because I never believe anyone can touch perfection.

This time around we are gonna realize our dream when we started our miniproject. To each of us the project means different things but our goals are one and the same. And when atlast we have created the thing as we wanted it to. We just feel that we are on top of the world because we would have created what we dreamed.

Last time around we knew next to nothing on how to approach this thing this time around we know the way only the complexity of the project has increased, what five fold or so. Mind you even our so called miniproject was a big one by any standards.

Yes I am extremely happy to have a team thats this motivated and capable.

OOH Man I just love it.

Monday, November 14, 2005

This is an exceptionally long blog.

CAUTION: You Are about to read a long blog. It might Bore you.

I feel lonely. Yes this is a topic I have discussed before still this is a feeling I cant get out of my system. What is the source of such a feeling I know not.

As a child I was very naughty, over enthusiastic, excitable and terribly restless. Used to clown around all day. Even now with my friends and every one I keep on clowning. Most probably because I dont care what others think of me that much. I think, maybe I am entirely wrong, not many have understood the way I see things. Why I see them as such. But Am I that different from others maybe not. Everyone feels that he is different and yes, everyone is different in one way or the other.

This loneliness is due to the fact that only two or three people in this whole world I know can I talk to without inhibition of my ideas. Why is it, because I fear to hurt people with my ideas. Yes thats possible and it could hurt deep, very deep because usually my ideas are about things we all take granted in our life. Usually I know how people think. I have somewhat a rational mind.

But still I am very excitable especially at the start of a new idea. But Unless I literally
speak out these ideas they wont crystallize. To just say these things out loud needs better understanding of the concepts involved. And thus gives me a lot of intellectual satisfaction which I have found so exhilarating.

In my school days I used to talk my ideas to Santhosh. Only he could Understand and we used to have dialogues and arguments. Yes these arguments were actually discussion when one of us was convinvced we conceded. It was really active time for me. But after getting into college we were a lil constrained for the time. I could not find another person anywhere near his calibere in our college. Maybe It is because I didnt try hard enough, maybe because the situation hasnt arisen yet. Still this has contributed in no small measure in my feeling of being lonely. As for friends, I have a lot of friends whom I love and care about. And I know I can depend on my life on them. Yes I am lucky in that sense that I have a lot of good friends who stands by me come whatever may.

This is not about that, yes when I am with them I am the rashest, loudest and usually try to enjoy the most. Most of my inhibitions are shed. Yes I become part of it. And I can guarantee that it feels really good to be part of something more than oneself. That is what loneliness is all about.

Sometimes it could be because I feel pity to lot of my friends. The way they behave, oh yes not only friends all people. I have a huge superiority complex. Maybe I am entitled to it or maybe not at all. But whatever it be I do feel that because I am more rational than many around or some insatiable feeling of being important. No its not about importance because I really dont give a damn about how people think about me. I really do believe a lot in free will. Its actually a funny line. Is any will free? Maybe not, still I believe its about not trying to enforce your mind onto others. Ah now I get it I feel this superior to others because I dont give a damn about most things in life.

That brings me to the most pertinent question what is that I really give a damn about. Well I have really speaking two modes of operation that is the analytical/Philosophical one and the action/Practical mode. Yes these two are interconnected but there are certain points of difference. In the first mode the answer would be I dont really give a damn about anything including damn. And in the second mode I really only care about my comfort. I am entirely selfish. (Understand if the society as it stands is not there I will not be comfortable, If due to my action someone gets hurt and I care about it then I might not be comfortable). Yes its all a question of selfish interest.

Someother times seeing the humans(yes viewing them objectively) gives me a lot of joy. It gives me a special joy in how there mind works. Simply said IT IS BEAUTIFUL. Yes maybe its because of this I have started to read more on psychology and philosophy. It represents the paths or methods by which we could approach human mind. The funny thing about it all is I started reading about this to find more on AI. I was always intrigued about the AI methods. I am not a person who believes that algorithmic approach can reach the kind of flexibility the real world systems should posses. For me I believed that they needed more of a probabilistic approach. The funny thing is its almost the same thing that russell proposed very much earlier at around 1920's or something. I dont mean that I found something that was not there. Russell was original I had a lot of help of atleast 80 years of more additional informatin into this world.

Now Its all about behaviour and behaviour pattern. Its just pattern recog. Yes thats one of the most difficult things to do if not for us humans. The question of pattern recog came to my mind first when I started driving. its in traffic that we see that humans as group without any synchronizing pulse or any such signals have fairly consistent behaviour and whats more funny we can categorize the behaviour into young and old, male and female etc. This opened mind to so many things.

Nowadays I almost discuss these kind of things through my blog only. Ofcourse most people who might read this blog wont care a shit about these and thats not their problem It might most proabably be my problem. Here I am actually carrying a dialogue. Which means that I am talking with my previous statement. So I can take very many different stand points. Yes this has in some respect resulted in me thinking more.

But this has a very big limitation, however much I wish it to be I cant shed my inhibitions wholely. This might be because If I say somethings I see as unemotional facts others wont be able to see it as that. According to me its the problem of there perception or its problem of mine. Whatever it is as an individual we all think that we are right. Yes we can operate only from that assumption otherwise there will simply be no kind of activity taking place. Thats what i want to avoid.

Oh i forgot to say I take laziness to new peaks. It is just that there are not many things that drive me. I used to want to prove myself. But after I understood I completely lost interest because others whatever they think are their thought I wouldnt like to influence it. So according t some I am really drifting aimless in this world. Or Am I. Doesnt me have more concrete aim than all those peopl around me. Well whatever said than done writing this has resulted in me telling to myself what exactly my problem

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Uh Oh

Well was that a brief hiatus or a long one. What ever it was it was the time when my computer was extremely unstable. Ofcourse that might have added to the factors that resulted in me not blogging or onto the net for quiet sometime. Anyways as it is I am somehow back on to this PC try to scribble something thats coming to my mind.

Oh no, not again. Yes thats exactly what happened as it always happens with thoughts. They flutter. They are not those agreeable lot which allows them to be pinned down in some distant corner of a paper or even a PC. They need all the mind space they can muster. Hmm Is this some essay on our mind or thought. Nah its just me rambling as someone has aptly put my blog to be so.
So we will try to differentiate btw whats rambling and something quiete close to that mumbles.

Some one whos is not so aggressive mumbles and someone whos agressive rambles. Does that mean I am agressive. Well if its about ideas I have to say that actually I am a bit aggressive.

Leave all that.

What I was try to tell was about the good thing about the ability to forget. Its also could be called selective memory. Now thats a nice way for a person who selectively remembers only when to eat or sleep. Well done. Any way whats the Advantage of this particular system of memory retention in the head. Well all said and done as you dont remember much your tensions are that much reduced. This wont apply to that type of humans who worry about if they are forgetting something. We have just accepted the fact that we are forgetting everything and moving forward that way its easy for us in the long run. Only prob with the above approach most of us wont remember that we are forgetful. So we will surely agree to any work or help anybody asks us to do and promptly forgets it. So no tension of the work that was not done getting me. Then we dont have the memory to remember how a person acted on us. So we are always the optimistic lot. We will always think that everybody loves us. Even if nothing could be farther from truth than that.
On the flip side we tend to do a lot of priotizing of our work at the last min. Meaning we dont do the work we just dump it in someplace else. Oh we might need to get tensed for a really short period of time like maybe five mins or something when somebody grills us. Getting me its actually fun if you can look at it the right angle. The usual comment on our lot is that we dont take life seriously, thats its all just a joke to us. Well there are some of us who would agree with that because if you got the right attitude then you can think of anything as a joke, atleast almost.
And then there are some ppl who takes life seriously but just that they forgets about taking it seriously. But never make the mistake that forgetful people are stupid. Its just that they have that much more mindscape to think on things that amuse or entertain or irritate them.