hmm...

I said this somewhere earlier, I have this recurring feeling I am gonna die. Life for me has been boring and getting even more so day by day.

I find it much more interesting to talk to girls than boys just for the single reason that you need to think more while you talk! where as with guys you can talk with your mind turned off. :)

I usually welcome any sorta activity, whether it be mental or physical. So much so that, thats all I do now adays.

I am one of those guys who considers oneself intelligent. By intelligence I dont mean some unidimensional thing like ability to solve math probs, or logical problems. Intelligence spans a wide range of human activity. You need intelligence to predict traffic, talk well, to handle people. So my activities are such as to make myself into as complete an individual as possible.

This being so, I have a superiority complex so much so that I dont mind acting stupid in front of others!. I actually like to act stupid and dumb, which is in one way making fun of them.

This intelligence is also related with the courage to question what I believe in so much so that I have to accept that whatever I believe in is not even the "right" thing. Also even more so there might not be something called the right set of beliefs. So I have no other option as of now but to go along with the broken or not so perfect set of beliefs I am having now! :)

I still dont know what I am doing with my life. I know that I have all that it takes to have a conventionally successful life. But do I want it at all?

I dont.. as of now. If I can get by thats all I care. I just wanna live my life.

Between most people live their lives oblivious to the fact that they are gonna die one day. But I am not like that, I am so aware of it that its at the back of my mind always. I just dont know the time thats all :).

" I await thee".

Yeah.

There is no point in this blog. To say the damn truth I am fighting terrible boredom.
I never thought it would be this acute. Life seems a lil too easy for my comfort.

Even my thoughts are muddled. I no longer think straight. Its as if I am going into a rut and the depths which I am staring into sometimes leaves me totally dizzy. I prefer to stay in the comfort of my illusions. They are so rosy! and warm. What more do I need.

But knowing how the reality is and what my illusions are its toughfor me
to accept the fact that I am not facing upto the reality. Do I have the courage in me to face up to it. Truth to tell no. I am too damn cozy and comfortable and dont wanna let go of it.

Sometimes I think theres nothing in my life. But yes putting your life on line gives you a kick that nothing else can give you. What they say is true, its on the edge that you are truly alive. Nothing else can even start to compare with it! :). Now I know why I love driving so much.

Life seems so pointless set of instances. All my actions on the bigger frame seems petty and stupid. The thing I am truly enjoying nowadays is cycling. hmm.. I dont know what more to say as of now.

Still Live and Kicking

Yeah yeah I am still around. It has been around two months since I blogged. As for one who used to blog at a healthy clip that was a long break. You could say I am outta bloggin practice. My english has taken a down turn, so have all my other linguistic skills. Trying to switch between languages in the middle of a conversation does that to your language!

The life at Infy as been kinda OK. First lets see what is the good part.

Firstly I am never idle. I find something or the other to do!. I sleep very little when compared to what I used to. My training performance is kinda ok.I am playing around 3-4 hours everyday. To say the fact having lots fun n frolic. Also made a some great friends after coming here. Sadly they have left after their training. Still Arun is with me :).

I am getting time for everything I guess. Or everything I want to do. Food here is not that great. But I will survive :)

Its such a great feeling to play such a lot! Meaning gets everything outta your mind.

But all said and done am I truly happy. I guess not. The reason is pretty simple. I miss all those conversations I used to have over net or in person with my friends. Yes there are a lot of friends around here too!. But they are usually a lil too busy :).

I miss those wonderful conversations and conferences. I miss playing CS with my friends. miss them big time!.

I am reading books thats a positive but still I cant exactly talk about it to anybody else around here. The wonderful feeling of thinking about things I sorely miss that. Its not that I dont. Its just that I do it so lil these days!.

Sometime I have this feeling I am wasting my time in this company. I dont know why as if I am running away from something when I am here. That feeling I cant stomach that easily. I wanna stand and face up to it!. Even if that means end of anything or everything. Ah.....

But then again. Life for me is just a collection of experiences. I go by impulses, what I feel. If I loose anything I dont feel bad anymore!. I just accept it. What that means is I am not a great competitor. hmm.. I still like it that way. I used to be such a guy who wanted to prove his point at all costs. Slowly but surely I am changing. Maybe this is the sign of maturity or maybe its sign that I can change anything. Or better still there is no point in changing anything.

I have a nice analogy in my mind. When you are a part of the pattern and then you try to change it what happens. You will still end up creating a pattern how ever much you try. It will still will be the same pattern which is evolving.

Then with this kinda insignificance staring at me, how do I continue my life. Er no I wont give up this life that easily!. What if what I believe in is totally wrong. Yeah I know, I have worked on my belief structure to suit the reality I have percieved. And Yes I do know too that my perception will never percieve the entirity of even a single object in this so called world.

Sometimes I start to ask why do I need to think so much. Just let it be.. But then again it is better to traverse this much in your mind than to not to think.

Not thinking is not an option for me. Some prefer to shut things out. I cant for the simple reason that if I do that my system of belief will crumble. which is supposed to based on just observation. I wont say its a rational system. I would just like to say that its plainly my own! I dont have any illusion of me being rational. I am as much an emotional being as any other human might be. I used to think in vain that I could transcend emotionality. But then I understood Thats sheer stupidity.

The emotional responses are specific behavioural responses in any "being" let it be even artificial life. To respond to subtle changes in the environment better!. Like emotion drives you to a specific set of actions proper to that environment!. Fear, anger, lust etc...

I sometimes feel so fed of being myself. Hmm.. I might not have accepted this publicly, but the fact is I have this huge superiority complex. Yeah I do. Most guys wouldnt even feel that when i talk to them. because I dont feel the need to stamp it in at all! in anything. Moreover I dont think about whos superior or whos not anymore. I now know why death thrills. Yes when you have the possiblity to die each instance becomes that much mroe interesting! nothing can beat that feeling!.

Truth to be told blogging again feels so good!. hmm..

The guys I miss big time are my bro, Fox, shocks, kickie and divs :(... hope to see them all at the earliest!.