Wednesday, October 25, 2006

what can I say.. I am staring at this blank page. I wanna fill it with whatever comes to my mind. My mind what is.. it.. no no I am not gonna think about the "meaning" of mind and analyse and all. Do my usual stupid stuff.

I am sometimes just fed up of being..I crave for change every now and then. I want to keep on experiencing something new I guess. or Do I? I feel kinda stupid even writing this blog.

I find that I have nothing to say to anybody. Nothing at all. I am bare of emotions to a great extent. I just go on typing. and typing. Trying to fill all the blank spaces with whatever stupid word that comes to my stupid mind. Why do I keep calling these things stupid. Probably to burst my own ego, I guess. I know I do that pretty lot...

Ah... life is so directionless..I have said this a lot that "life is pointless" . But thinking about the point of the very same statement.. lol I felt like where I wrong all along. Probable very very probable.

Whatever I am gonna do will change everything in the world and nothing :). Its about how you look at it. Should I give up the comfort of inaction! werent that the root cause of all this stupid thought process. Finding complex stupid and wrong answers to simple questions.. Werent I trying to live inside an illusion which I created with so much detail.

Ah but then DO I CARE EVEN NOW? I dont know.................

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

For some reason or the other which I dont exactly know my activities have taken a down turn. I am spending more time sleeping than doing anything else. I dont know why its so. It probably might be because of the fact that I have become bored!. Bored to the core, as usual :D. The fact that I can let go of almost anything in my life makes my life interesting and boring at the same time! I for one who goes after the interesting things in life might be one who gets bored the easiest!

I think I would love to experience the different possibilities of death. Its when death might be imminent that life becomes so invigorating unless and until you are touched by fear of death :). I experienced that when I was kinda semitrekking coz one miss step and i would be dead. Ooh baby! Its almost the same case with driving, I guess.

Shit I had accepted the fact that life is pointless, meaningless etc. These words dont even actually mean much. The abstract ideas of "point", "meaning" probably might not have any effect on ones life. But we humans need such "elevated" concepts to hold on to sanity ,to wrap the world into our worldview.

As I was saying to somebody. All my blogs are a conversation with self. It feels great to articulate ones on thought. Shit! we need language to even think. Which means that the scope of our thoughts are limited by the syntax and semantics of the language in which I am thinking!. Bah which means unless language evolves thoughts wont evolve either!

Saturday, October 07, 2006


Yes I am in this "supposedly" great campus which is made in such a way to boost the self ego of so called wannabe software engineer. I have this host of facilities to while away time. In that respect its really great that I keep doing something or the other everytime.
Some times I feel sick about the way people go about their life in this kinda environment.
But even more so now I am feeling cut-out from world. I dont exactly know whats happening around. Afore I used to be a news savvy person. I always wanted to know what was happening around.

Now I try to keep tabs on things by reading bbcnews feed through google reader. Suddenly it hit me that the news was completely US-centric so totally that I felt really sick of reading of those stupid news article. Why the hell should such an autonomous body go to such pathetic depths!.

When you have your hands full with other things to think about, you wont care about whats happening in this world. The reality of the things wont hit you. You are safe from everything you are cusioned by the salary you get and the support of your family and friends. Life takes on an entirely new dimension. As of now I aint even travelling daily except in this campus. This means that I am out of sync with this world.

Whats funnier is not only am I cut-out of this world I some times feel immense solitude in this campus. I dont feel part of any thing. Sometimes I feel so aloof from everybody cant even empathize with their emotions :).

I wanna talk. I want to express myself. I dont do that well when I am writing. As far as writing is concerned I type too slowly for my thoughts. I kinda mix it up and make a sphagetti of it all!. Which I dont think even I might decipher at a later date.

One of the reasons that was in back of my mind when I came to such an environment was to learn more about people and how they behave, given the fact that each of them are kinda similar entities. Yes I did learn a bit probably will learn a lot more but not much as I hoped.

No I dont know much about humans, I am only an eager student. As a matter of fact thats one of the things that really interest me nowadays. I loved physics, still love it in a way I guess. But now its the way people act and react and respond thats more interesting to me. I would love to learn the patterns or the chaos in such a behavioural system.

Living here sometimes the question pops in my mind what exactly am I doing around here. What am I gonna do with my "LIFE". Only thing I can say is I am living it and waiting for death. Death will neither liberate me or end anything. Its just the end of possibilities of my awareness as I know it now.

I just want to BE. Its that state of being that I am enjoying throughout my life and have fell totally in love with it.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Gimme One reason to live?
Ans: what about the possiblity that you dont live for a reason.
So then question turns to why then do we usually find out the reason, cause etc.. for a phenomenon or occurence. I believe that has essentially got to do with how we tackle problems in life. Find the cause or reason and do the necessary action to change the result of such and such cause/reason. Which is basically a causal view of all phenomenon. Its a pretty effective technique for most things , that too is given. But when causally speaking the reason for life ,what we can say , is only another life , perpetuation of species and all that :).

I probably wont be right still I think I need to say what I do feel about these kinda ideas. Humans are not exactly rational beings. They are logical to a given degree, but not rational. We are also taken by our emotions which does colour the way we see things. The methodology by which humans go around finding "meaning" about things thats the scientific method might be the best one around, which doesnt mean its the perfect one or.. the only way. Whats essentially the problem as I see it is we humans trying to make a worldview according to the reality the percieve. Our depth of perception of reality might be more than that of any other being, still theres a long way to go for it to be complete.

Bah.. what am I saying.... as if I know anything.. I go on typing crap. Lol. Yes take everything everyone say with a pinch of salt. Whats more I take even my own thoughts with a pinch of salts. Possibility thats something we cant exactly know right. :)

It suffices to say that live I will, whatever happens. For me its about enjoying the fact that I am alive. And Fight I will to live, yes to live and to live only. When I say life is beautiful its not because of its ease or luxury. Its because of how one man tries to make his life in this world. Its all funny. LOL

Presently I am at my home in TVPM. I was happy to see my friends and relatives after coming here. I drove around in my car to happiness :D. I just accept the fact that I too am human and is happy about the fact that I can enjoy most moments in my life, even sometimes some of the more painful moments. I kinda savour those experiences.

So I am going back to mysore. Bye all