Bye

I am done blogging here. Nothing much more to tell, even if there is I aint telling it. Had a nice enough time bloggin. BYE.

The Agony that is thought.

Leviathan weight of thoughts on my mere mortal mind has send it reeling. The flight of thoughts, has left me bereft of any semblance to sanity. I who had arrogance, to think of becoming invulnerable, is being ravaged! Walls that stood are being pulled down from within.

The burning talisman that binds me to this earth, burning me un to my death. Should I get scalded or let go ! The agony that is existence, That exiquisite pain that makes me crave for even more. The hunger carves my guts out alive, ah the white hot pain inside, is it one that cleanses or one that kills.

Let it be sadness, or even pain! I can overcome that. I am strong enough for that and more! But... insanity that has sprung up from within, insanity that has made me cringe from my self. Where do I take refuge? Whatever can I do to combat that? I stand bare , of all the protection that I have built around my SELF, to the white hot fury of my own mind.

Bah is it fury or is it pain. Indistiguishable, maybe neither ,maybe more. My Knees has buckled, Shoulder bear on the weight now. Who is strong enough to bear even a part of it. The wanderer warrior is but a shadow of his self, he who had the strength within him ,to move mountains ,is at his wits ends.

No One knows and No one can comprehend. He alone struggles on.....

oh BOY! did I really blog this!

Its not exactly usual for me to recount my experiences in my blog.. But somewhere other I am doing that lately. Dont know why... maybe because I dont want to say anything else anymore I guess.. maybe because everything seems an effort in futility or maybe.... nah....

Anyway... I was travelling from pune to tvpm two days back.. the whole trip felt different.. for once I wanted to just reach home as fast as possible. I am not exactly a what you call home sick person.. still wanted to go home really badly this time around.. hmm..So what do I do? I book tickets by flight to tvpm @ friday night from mumbai to cochin which is the only one available. and affordable.. the flight is scheduled at around 2 in the night. So I leave pune from around I guesss 7.15.. the volvo that was slated to start by 6.30... was obviously late! somehow or other we reach vashi by 9.30 or so.... but then.. lo... theres the mumbai traffic to deal with. It took us better part of two hours to reach santa cruz fromvashi.. I dont exactly know whether that was fast or slow.. but Something I liked was the traffic ,although really heavy and slow at some points, was moving! :D

Finally made it to the airport after that helluva traffic.. check in and.. everything went pretty smooth!!!!!!!!....... and then.... had to wait another 4 hours!!! @ airport.. the plane was late by two hours due to run away in the runway i guess... so messed up all my calculations... hmm.. was thinking about gettin a bus from ekm by around 4 in the morn and reach...home asap.. anyway In the end got into chennai mail which was jam packed :D... but had a lotta fun!!! in that was er near the edge of the door all the while till thiruvalla..
That was the best part of the journey all said and done to see the greenery that is kerala... through the morning mist and all.. :) with the wind on my face :D.. Gave me a kick to see the ground beneath me moving.. :D especially when it was going over those... bridges... was making myself accustomed to heights I guess.. :).. hmm.. Oh... it was like one of those thrill rides.. :D hmm but with no sleep for practically two to three days.. I was getting tired and all.. from thiruvalla to kollam everything moved really fast I just slept away :) came home... and then it has been like sleep eat, sleep eat and sometimes go visit my near and dear.. :D.

Read this book binodini . Was a great read. .. how tagore manages to make the characters dance to his tune is awesome ! only thing is its pretty much obvious that it was his first try or so at it because he made the ending a happy one.. You see when people are young they always tend to think that everything will end happily.. Ofcourse that hope is that makes youth so beautiful... but then there is beauty in reality that things dont turn out the way you hope.. Its when you start realizing that truth that life is more than you hoped for and not really what you wished for. What might seem like a tragedy might be better in the end... I guess.. as some say experience makes you wiser and sad. Me neither have the experience or am i ready to accept it :D. So am happy and foolish as a corollary I guess..

Btw made a wild search about my screen name..
Frantic

1. Highly excited with strong emotion or frustration; frenzied: frantic with worry.
2. Characterized by rapid and disordered or nervous activity: made a frantic last-minute search for the lost key.
3. Archaic. Mad; insane.
4. Wildly excited or active.
   

seems quite apt aint it :D.. was thinking what would be apt to describe me.. i guess it would be wild wanderer.. ah should have been born among trees eh! :D =))

Livin... ON

It has been around 3 weeks since I came here. Living here is great, i guess. The good part is not much expenses especially the food part.It was kinda over the top @ mysore. But as of now its kinda really cheap around here and whats more much much better too!.Kinda thinking about turning pure veg...especially since the fact that you dont get much of non-veg here.. so transition would be quite easy to do! Ofcourse I am just thinking.. :D. I do love all kindsa food...so.. hehehe...
But then I guess my phone calls have kinda sky rocketed ;), albeit it being cheaper :D. Ofcourse cant help that kinda miss everybody so much. I think its the distance perspective when in back of your mind you know that you can go up and meet that person, you never miss them even if you dont kinda see em or you need to be occupied by something in your mind. As far as my case is my mind is not that preoccupied with anything now.. Kinda trying to read through a few books of mine. Having a great time being bored and becomin a kinda nuisance to all my friends calling them umpteen times a day, sendin all of em mails from mornin to evening :D. Ofcourse tell me what else can I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even if theres work I aint feeling anything akin to pressure, I wouldnt say that i am enjoyin it... because theres nothing exactly great about it.. Still I guess i am doing it pretty fast and neat. I hope :D. Ofcourse me being a fresher in an almost finished project helps me while away time as I like it to be. And radio mirchi! its hot :D....atleast keeps me occupied for a lotta time lol.
The only thing I dont like about this city is the condition of its roads and the dust around here... dust can be mostly attributed to the condition of the roads inturn... hmm... The campus is ok I guess but my phase doesnt have any facility for any kinda games or anything.. so.. kinda.. feeling bad about not playing anything...Hope to change that in a while I guess... hmm.. lets see.
The house where I live is almost set i guess. Except for a PC and a gas connection. Some of the guys are not that greaty enthu about the gas connection which they say is quite a waste of money as we would be coming back usually by around 9o clock in the night and yes they are partly nice about it too.. still i would like to have that thing... lets see...
Lol sometimes I am not still sure i should be here. I know I could do something else much more interesting to me!!.. But I seem not to have any kinda initiative to do that.. Lol come to think of it..it was just the lack of initiative that left me in this place as of now. Just staying alive. Ah btw.. pune has some karting going on... gotta check em out!!.. :D.. if they are any good.. you never know what can come outta these... :D
I was just gonna end this.. when i started thinking... it has been quite a time since I wrote something original or creative something straight from my mind. I guess I dont think too much any more...or is it that..I am not bothered with writing my thoughts anymore..either of the two I am not sure. As I said somewhere I kinda frame all situtations in my mind as if all the outcomes are acceptable so much so that I would be kinda happy whatever happens. Its just that..i would be happy or happier still. Lol..ofcourse anybody can take that perspective of their life like that I guess.. Dont know whether its a great idea to be happy all through!. Not accepting that you should be sad..... well.. dont know... :). And in a sense I am arrogant enough to say that i am arrogant. :D

Relocation@pune.

hmm..This is gonna be.. fun...If this end up as a blog or not I just dont know. The fact is.. I am typing to while away time. The keyboard around here is great. The typing speed has gone up like anything unseen by me as of now.. just because of the quality of this keyboard. It just feels great. I dont have work to do. I dont have anyone to report to. I can spend my time like I want to! I can walk , I can run, I can sing lol I can even dance If I wanna none is gonna stop me.!.The only problem as far as I am concerned after coming to pune is the dust and the roads. Oh boy dont they suck big time. I had thought moving from mysore to pune might gimme some kinda headache.. but it didnt thank goodness.. it went just fine !Packing for moving @ mysore was fun...Just rolled up all the clothes and put it in the bags and stuffed those things real tight. The whole experience was kinda enjoyable in the end I guess. Company had given me a 2nd AC ticket to pune from bangalore which was great, and also stay for the first seven days here.The company stay is pretty nice and the food around here is great er... atleast when compared to what we got @ mysore and ironically cheaper too!!!. Cant fathom why the food @ mysore needs to be so bad. People seem to be ok around here.. ofcourse has been here only for about...3 days now still the feel of the city is good. Got a house to stay some 5 km away from office. Which is ok considering the fact that infy bus stop is around 200 ms away from my House.Alighting from the railway station , I wasnt that impressed by pune. The place is dirty, roads are pathetic and the whole place is dusty. Within one day of being here my shoes got covered by crust of dust which never happened in the four months I stayed in Mysore. But I'll prefer this anyday over mysore. Mysore campus was for kids ; everything was taken care of !The place where company stay has facilities comparable to the hostel we got back at mysore. Afterall it costs around 1k daily!. And whats more the house we have rented is very close to where the company stay is. So I am kinda shuttling between both. Helping my friends setup the house. Its a real nice house. Its one thing thats making me wanna stay in pune :). And the locality is also kinda good. Lol even the name of that colony is good "Sunshine Villas" er its not a villa its rather a rowhouse, dont know why they named it villas :D.
Now to the really interesting part of the stay around here. I am broke for this month, whats more I am as of now richest among the guys who are gonna stay there! After pooling all ther resources we have for this month we found that three guys need to live of 4k :D which might be unthinkable back home but is perfectly possible around here! Travel is taken care by the infy bus so thats not much of a headache. The lunch@ infy foodcourt. and something with bread @ supper. Its pretty cheap considering that one persons meal @ night is costing only around 6-8 bucks and that too filling all said and done!.Seriously this is turning out to be really enjoyable!. Except for a gas stove for us to cook and a couple of cupboards, we are fine I guess :D. Ofcourse the reason behind we becoming broke is that four guys had to bear the cost for a house meant for six guys. If two other guys join us then all this would be thrown out through the window!. Next in line is a bike and PC! Me waiting for the grand salary at end of this month with all the Training TPI thrown in and all.Presently i have nothing to do! Am very much happy about it. Hope the same continues :D. As of now I dont have any net connection at all. Lets see what happens. Kinda started reading some books. Got this really good book as a present "Dream of fair to middling women" by Samuel Beckett. To say the truth its a tough read. Man the guy has awsome command of the language and art of literary expression. The going is slow but its kinda nice. Then theres Binodini or Choker Bali by Rabindranath Tagore. Thats a pretty amusing novel. I dont know why but I kinda really enjoying it in a humorous sense. At house we have a lotta work to do but its fun sharing those work and doing it. Gives me immense satisfaction. I have this character of being excited about anything new and after a while that excitement dies down. Lets see this is gonna be like that. Ofcourse there are a couple of things for which my excitement hasnt died down like that still.... it usually happens. To me its just that if I know the how of it I loose the curiosity to continue. Here I think the situation is different as I already know the how of it and am still finding it interesting. Especially interested in experimenting @ cooking. I have some flair for it I suppose but gotta sharpen ma skills :D er @ my own expense lol.

PS: When I wrote this we were broke. Now thanks to infy loan and more than concerned parents OUR bank accounts are back to being healthy :D.

Who Me!

I sometimes imagine myself hanging from a cliff, I just have to flex my muscles to reach safety. But I dont do that, keep on hanging just for the fun of hanging so such so that I cant get to safety anymore.I know I will have to let go as theres no point in continuing holding on to the cliff. I start smiling. I still wont let go I still hold on for the fun of holding on until my muscles turn water. I dont even try to get to safety even then. I dont call out for help. I dont want any damn
help, I want to live or die all by myself at that point. My smile widens when I know that my hands are slipping....and I start falling. The feel of air rushing as i fall is exhilarating. Nothing compares to it especially since that would be my last experience when I am alive. I dont care about what I have done till now, neither what i might have done. They say life flashes through your eyes when you are going to die but it seems that doesnt happen with me. The fall is pretty long. I aint falling fast enough for me it seems. I get bored of falling.... I just try to while away my last moments. I start singin, celeberating my last moments no longer thinking of time that is left.

I want to die with a smile on my lips..defiance of life that was over the death that is. Absence of anything to hold me back is at the same time liberating and painful. The absence gnaws my mind like nothing else can. Life seems like a endless study of myself. My life I guess is so selfcentered. But then whos is not :) all said and done you can live it only around YOUR self.

I guess I am ready to accept anything that life throws at me. This readiness arises
probably from the fact that I am numb. I need to feel.... SHIT!

Or is it rather that I am afraid, afraid so much of myself that I have put all my emotions away. Doesnt it sound more geniune that I am an individual whos emotional response systems are so messed up that they are no more functional. Only thing that doesnt drive me crazy is the fact that I know that I will also change I am holding onto that thread. I want to keep on changing.

Ha

Sometimes I feel that I am too much of a paradox, so much so that I neither want to live or die. I feel I am at a crossroads, I have to decide some things pertinent to the life as others see it. As for me most of the time I feel anything will do as long as I am alive and after that I dont need to care do I ?

My mind is so totally blank. Feel so sobre. But then aint I laughing at myself and this world in which I live in. Yes I am :). Is laughter my weakness or strength.
Somewhere down the line I forgot to cry. Now I can only laugh at anything. I cant even feel sad about that. I can only laugh at even this. But sometimes such unidimensionality of emotions might make it boring for you.Yes it does.

But then do I want to change. I dont think so. In my life I never had a problem or rather I never accepted that I was facing one. I just took things as it came ,still does the same thing. I dont give a damn how the outcome is one way or other.

So am I happy or not. I guess I am happy, and happier than most people around. I still live for myself. I am free. Nothing and noone binds me. Moreover Happiness is about attitude. I dont need anything to be happy I think. When a person becomes happy over a something new he got or some achievement of his, its usually related to his percieved increase in social acceptance. Because happiness is linked a lot to relations.

Ah crap, I get even irritated by myself. What am I supposed to do about that. I get irritated by almost everyone sometime or the other.