Er.........

Usually I dont dream. No this blog is not about my dreams either. Call it whatever visions, feeling, dream, perception ,thought, anything the fact is that I think i will say good bye pretty soon. No dont ask me the time frame. It might be while I writing this blog in which case you wouldnt even read it. Or.. it might take another 20 years.. who knows.

Any way the point being I have a feeling that I have nothing much more to give to this world. I am just existing. I dont feel part of anything. Sometimes not even my family. And mind you I respect all of them very much whether it be my mother, father brother.. or any relatives. I do know that They do care for me too. But thats not the point. The point is I am feeling so distant even from my self sometimes.

Lets consider the reason. It might be prolly coz of the fact that I have learned more about myself in past 1 yr than in the 20 years before that. And the rate at which I am learning about myself is quite like an exponential one. Needless to say As I have learned about myself , that much more I have learned about my fellow beings.

I feel I am lost to this world. Day by day I feel as if I am closer and farther away from the reality. Closer from my perspective and farther from others. Ofcourse the one reading this would obviously come to the conclusion that I am further from reality!. Thats your discretion, i have nothing to say to that. Because reality is not something I could show you. You need to be ready to accept it. Trying to shut those out wont exactly change anything except your perception.

In the end I am having these visions of being hit by a moving vehicle at high speeds. Whats funny about it is In this "vision" i think I will try to avoid an oncoming cycle onto an oncoming Truck!.:D. Pretty funny. I only have one wish on this. Dont u sue the poor truck driver. If you want go sue the cyclist.

Death has always been something I never feared I dont know why. No I am not one of those guys with any kinda suicidal tendancy. I accept things are they are and then work towards changing it. Thats being ruthlessly practical in one sense. Atleast according to mine. Sometimes i feel that moment of my death would be the moment where I will be a complete individual. So I actually eagerly await that moment, that moment of clarity, that moment that should bring me joy as no other moment might.

Death my lover, I await thee. But its just a feeling. Something because I have hte feeling that I am being like an useless shit. Which means theres a chance that I will change , my perspective will change my attitude will change my priorities will change. Change is something i always look forward to whether it be good or bad. It always keeps me occupied. In understanding the change.

PS: I suddenly understood whats the problem with my writing or whats the good thing about it. I dont think out sentances or paragraphs. I dont reread it. I just post it as I type it. Sometimes when I type I leave out so many words which came in the mind because I cant type as fast as I think obviously!. I type the words as if I am speaking to a third person, which makes it grammatically incorrect and what not. But Theres somekinda beauty in my writing which I love. Yeah the beauty is that theres no structure.

Pink Floyd!

Many have spoken written and expressed their awe of this band. I have only lately started to hear their albums, Still am not exactly dont know all their songs. As far as I am concerned, music was never an integral part of my life. Sad to say maybe, but then those time I was using up for other activities. Which usually sufficed to keep me busy.
Only after 2nd year engineering did I start even to follow music moderately.

Pink floyd gets into your head. Its like on of those memes..You cant easily get it outta your mind once it gets in. And you wouldnt want it either. For me pink floyd is quite like the rhythm of the sea waves breaking on the shore. There always seems to be a kinda weird rhythm which you just cant pick out. This kinda music is something you need to soak in to experience.

It clears your mind of all the previous thoughts. As some might put it its a good mind drug!. The best example of the above case is their "Echoes". Simply superb. The subtelity lies in the fact that. Sometimes its their lyrics which seems to imparting the above said rhythm where as sometimes its their instrumentals. So its like a myriad beautiful tunes playing togethor synchronised into something transcends whats usually called music.

hmm...

The truth of the matter is I have almost given up fighting. I dont want any thing in life as it is, Ofcourse which means that I might want later on. I just accept things as it is. I dont get angry about. I dont feel any righteous anger. The only reason I can give is.. Everything seems pointless, most acute of these being my own existance. I know that for the past four years I havent really worked on anything except my projects. Even there It was only a lil better than half hearted.

The funny thing is its all tangled heirarchies and infinite loops.. The thought cant go in so called straight lines and logical paths. Because for any logical conclusion there are so many intervening steps. So theoritically if you start thinking logically you wont end. Oh maybe then it would be easier to redifine logic. Yeah right thats what everyone does. I am not a rational being. I am highly irrational. As for the facts.. Theres nothing more irrational than a human being.

The Superiority of our so called intelligence itself might bring about the fall of our race. If it comes to that..

In all probability I will face the new phase of my life with the same detachment as I did for my engineering course. I didnt feel anything for the course I was doing. There was no fucking passion in it except for the project. Yes I enjoyed doing the project.

If the above situation arises, Its anybodies guess how things will end up.

I have a stupid habit of saying just the opposite of what I would be blabbing till then. I am not gonna break it. On the other side it might be just that my interest are too varied or not too deep into anything.. its like I scan the surface of everything. once I know how something works thats it for me. I am not interested in it anymore.. Or is that the truth.. I dont know..

So I await the day when I can find all about myself. and then. :). I will have supreme boredom in my hands. That will be a exquisite experience If I will have it that is.